To not be bothered with friends or people?

[NovemberChill]

I don’t know if I’m getting miserable but I’m just not bothered by having friends as much anymore. I have 1 good friend who I see maybe once a month or so if that for a couple of hours, but other than that I don’t really have anyone. To be honest it sounds awful but if I have something to share about whatever or ask for an opinion I’d rather ask my partner, dad, or chat GPT!! I’ve found when I have had friends and opened up in the end we either fall out or they let me down - and I just can’t be bothered with it. I’m happy doing things on my own.
also I think the age of sharing on social media is coming to an end slowly, don’t you? All the gen Z’s I worked with hardly ever posted updates on Facebook etc.

Doesn’t sound like you have much choice in the matter OP

Not like people are knocking on your door desperate to socialise with you is it?

I think it's possible to make social connections later in life.

I don't think anyone is saying it's impossible, just that if you've isolated yourself away from everyone for decades to prioritise your partner and kids, you're probably not going to find it easy to take up a new hobby or approach new people to try and initiate a friendship with them.

You have summed up how I feel as well. I know most people hate it but I actually don’t mind small talk. It’s nice to be able to chat to people without the expectation of getting deep or giving and receiving advice. I have lovely friends but so many of them want to give lengthy advice which I just don’t want or need!

I don't know really. Loneliness and isolation, I guess, if I were to lose the few people close to me for whatever reason.

I have a couple of relatives who have been incredibly isolated after losing their spouses, because they haven't really got many other people in their lives - this may be colouring my perspective. Of course, losing a life partner would be devastating in any circumstances, but I do think it's a whole lot harder if you have very few other emotional connections to help you through.

I think children of sociable parents have a massive advantage in life. They learn social skills, see their parents interacting positively with their friends and get to know other adults and are exposed to other influences. Plus the fun times had. We have been so lucky to form friendships with 6 other local families and kept up with old friends too. Our teens talk fondly of their memories with these groups.

See my earlier post about mental health service users. Obviously not all less-sociable people end up like that, but I'd definitely class it as a vulnerability.

We're all too different for you to be so prescriptive. DD and I spent time with other mums and their kids when they were little but as she got older in primary school, DD wanted to hang out with her friends/team mates not the kids she had foisted upon her at playgroup! She's socially very confident.

I'll go out and enjoy our team Xmas meal but I won't go to the department's big bash - I wouldn't enjoy it and have nothing to prove.

I have friends but I love the random connections pp mentioned - chatting to someone on a dog walk, the batista etc - but I'd hate a girls spa day or weekend hen party.

I enjoy podcasts because I hear more interesting conversations than I have in real life - politics, books, history. The guests are much more informed than me or my friends.

I agree that social connections are essential but as long as we're getting the level we need, that's enough and not for you to judge.

Completely agree. Not everyone can have this but I do think you owe it to your kids to support their social confidence.

I agree that social connections are essential but as long as we're getting the level we need, that's enough and not for you to judge.

Someone posting about "not bothering with friends or people" doesn't strike me as someone who is happy and getting what they need, though.

Someone posting about "not bothering with friends or people" doesn't strike me as someone who is happy and getting what they need, though

I was addressing other posters not the OP.

How can you say I’m not getting the level I need though?

I can pop and see my friend any time when she’s not at work.
I have chats in the playground
I obviously take my kids to parties they get invited to etc
I know people who I could go to soft play with if I wanted
I’ve got my friend I’ve known since I was born at the end of the phone
I’ve got ex work colleagues who invite me for dinner out and coffees.
my cousin is always there if I need her

But I’m not in a social circle where I feel obligated to go to hen parties or days at the races, or dinner nights (I can’t cook for shit) that I’m just not interested in. Or to keep up this etiquette that I struggle with.

i think the friend who stopped talking to me when I was poorly and our friendship had maybe outgrown anyway - it was getting to be a bit ones sided, I’d been to her but she hadn’t actually been to my house for a cuppa for 3 years before I got poorly.

So you’re not really “not bothering with friends or people” at all then? It sounds like you actually have a decent network of friends you just have fallen out with one particular group.

So was this post just histrionics?

How can you say I’m not getting the level I need though?

Maybe you are, but people who are generally happy with their friendships don’t come on MN and say they don’t want to bother with them anymore.

So what was the point of your post saying you don't want to bother with people anymore?

Why did you start it?

So you only have friends so that when family/partners leave/die you have someone to fill the gap ?

Well, it’s as valid a reason as any, surely?

I personally wouldn’t want to deal with the death of my spouse or parents without any support around me, that’s for sure.

It doesn't sound to me remotely like you're not bothering with friends or people, if in the next breath you're talking about coffees, dinners and soft play!

It's as good a reason as any. Loneliness is an actual killer.

Wouldn’t touch chat whatever with a barge pole!
We’re less interested as we age, too. We’ve a handful of good, old friends between us. See them 2 or 3 times a year, each, often for weekends. Very close, immediate family unit. That’s plenty.
We do get out and about a lot more together, since retirement. Theatre, cinema, local museum, etc. things we’ve not had time for for years. That’s more than enough now.

I don't think it's all fair to judge the strength of your friendships by a single crisis event. You so often see the 'can you ring them from A and E at 3 am?' test applied on here, and I think it's ridiculous. Most of your life is not a health crisis or emergency. Your friends are just people whose company you enjoy.

And given that someone having significant enough MH problems to be sectioned is a frightening prospect, I think it would be terribly unfair to judge a previously good friend solely by that metric.

My circle small but good to have them. I see my mam quite negative meets nobody. Nothing to chat about then. I think friends are important

@TheBirches Granted - but she hasn’t spoken to me since. And we are well over a year down the line now

But I’m not in a social circle where I feel obligated to go to hen parties or days at the races, or dinner nights (I can’t cook for shit) that I’m just not interested in. Or to keep up this etiquette that I struggle with

Nor am I OP, but I don't think many people are!

It sounds like you have quite a lot of social connections and contacts in your life as well as a family, and so you are not alone or without people really.

It sounds like this one very close friend let you down big-time and hasn't been seen for dust. It sounds like she just couldn't cope, and that's pretty sad.

I think if you had posted that, many people have experience of being abandoned or just sidelined due to illness, cancer, mental health or death in the family, it's pretty common unfortunately. People don't know what to say and then time goes past and the moment goes and they don't bother to repair it.

It's a shame, and there is a loss there for sure.