To not be bothered with friends or people?

[NovemberChill]

I don’t know if I’m getting miserable but I’m just not bothered by having friends as much anymore. I have 1 good friend who I see maybe once a month or so if that for a couple of hours, but other than that I don’t really have anyone. To be honest it sounds awful but if I have something to share about whatever or ask for an opinion I’d rather ask my partner, dad, or chat GPT!! I’ve found when I have had friends and opened up in the end we either fall out or they let me down - and I just can’t be bothered with it. I’m happy doing things on my own.
also I think the age of sharing on social media is coming to an end slowly, don’t you? All the gen Z’s I worked with hardly ever posted updates on Facebook etc.

I agree that interacting with other humans outside of one’s own family and partner is important however I disagree that this needs to take the form of ‘friendships.’ My superficial interactions with colleagues and acquaintances are perfectly fine for this purpose and are numerous and plentiful. We chat about fashion, books, tv, current affairs etc etc but I’m not subjected to deep convos about health, marital issues, alcoholism or other things I don’t want or feel able to provide support on.

Having no close friends also means I never have to attend hideous social events, get involved in gossip about Jane and Mikes affair or listen to Jeremy braying about his job or latest loft conversion.

Also, it wouldn’t really occur to me to want to share any of my own health or marital or financial issues, would be embarrassing. But I get we are all different and some people find comfort in talking things through with friends or whatever.

@TheLivelyRose
I can relate. My parents were quite anti-social and still are. I think it came from being very slightly on the autism spectrum, but it also mixed in with their strange superiority complex. They find something "irritating", "weird" or "ridiculous" about absolutely every other human they encounter, and keep to themselves because they're the only smart people on Earth, apparently. Mum used to say she'd love to disappear and live far away from everyone, just her alone "with her babies".

They aren't happy. They get under each other's feet and are angry with each other constantly. When things got tense in the past, there was no outlet, nobody to talk to, our family home just felt like a big, impenetrable, private bubble. I hated it and I rarely go back.

They had the nerve to call me "anti-social" in my teens when I grew up with limited social skills because of this. They expected me to suddenly spring up and do all the grown-up socialising for them. It was hard for me to learn. I'm still learning, but for my own benefit, not theirs. It's made me wary of becoming close to anyone in case I start to feel co-dependent and suffocated.

@BarbieShrimp

I knew families like this growing up: they closely guarded "family time" and required the kids stay in all weekend but they didn't actually like one another or enjoy each other's company and anything which involved socialising with people outside the family was regarded with suspicion.

My parents had plenty of faults but they were very social people and I grew up with a level of comfort around other people which has stood me in very good stead as an adult.

I think you owe it to your children to nurture some basic social skills in them and model healthy social behavour. You don't have to be a massive bon viveur but signaling that a retreat into the family is normal sets them up to find social environments intimidating.

A lot of careers these days rely on soft skills which include being able to hold your own in unfamiliar social situations and present a plausible front to other people. Even if you don't naturally like it very much, everyone has to be able to turn it on some of the time. Kids who grow up thinking everyone outside the family is hostile or to be avoided are going to find adult life much harder.

That is so bloody depressing - in what universe is it better to talk to an AI programme (which has been known to encourage people to harm and kill themselves) over an actual human being capable of empathy, nuance and actual understanding of the human experience?

OMG I could have written that.

Except my parents marriage didn't last and so my mum didn't even have a husband. She relied on me heavily for her social life and she alienated me from children, my own age. She was jealous when I went to university and would rather spend time with my peers.

Interestingly, in my tweenage and mid teens, she used to taunt me as well about how antisocial I was. Wonder why that was. I wonder why I was lacking in social skills.Given that she kept me and a bubble with her and my other sibling.

That's why these kind of declarations make me ill. It's the prize pride.These people take in declaring how much they hate other people's company. If that really is the case and you don't want to socialise with anyone, so be it.

But I literally couldn't give a shit - they should live their lives away.They want without these proud, performative declarations about how much they hate other people. I don't think how they realise it makes them look or the impact it has on other people. Especially their poor children.

Another thought -

I worked in Mental Health for six years, and I saw so, so many older women who developed serious anxiety and depression because they had never been encouraged to form social connections. They had built their entire identity around just existing in a family/marital home. Even if the marriage was still ongoing, a significant identity crisis occurred when that structure broke down or got stale, or they found themselves reaching older age. It was like a part of them was missing, and they felt it keenly. We ran social projects to help them, but it was tough going.

In my view, there's a Female Loneliness Epidemic to rival that of men, but it takes place privately and often hidden in plain sight within "the family".

@BarbieShrimp

In my view, there's a Female Loneliness Epidemic to rival that of men, but it takes place privately and often hidden in plain sight within "the family".

I completely agree. It affects men as well but men seem less troubled by it, they are often happy to turn inwards.

I think a lot of women, when they are young and find a mate to settle down with, convince themselves (or get convinced) that they don't need anyone other than their spouse and children. 20+ years later they wake up to face a bleak middle and old age with a dull man who they have nothing to talk about but because they've let their friendships atrophy they have nowhere to start. I see it all the time on Mumsnet, in thread upon thread, and you can see the genesis of it playing out with people moaning on here about how friends create "drama" etc. It's like a slow motion car crash and I want to scream at them that they will need their friends later in life.

It's these people who pop up on here saying they've had a falling out with someone and will therefore swear off friendship for life or they don't need friends because of the "drama". I'm sure most of the time they don't actually mean it, they're just desperately lonely and feel they can't trust people because they've lost the confidence that is necessary to make friends.

I'm going out with a bunch of old university mates next week: it's the end of a long week, it's a fairly long journey and I don't want to drink and in a way I really can't be arsed but I keep in my head that this is what stands between me and old age loneliness.

I feel so strongly about this I would stand up and shout it from the rooftops if I thought it would make a difference: I don't know what the solution is but I feel compelled to keep banging on about this because its so self-destructive. Your friends may keep you alive in your old age. Don't let pride or arrogance or anxiety or ChatGPT stand in the way of this.

There’s far too much focus on “family time” and “our little family” these days. I don’t know if social media is perhaps or the problem but it’s so bloody depressing to see.

Yes, family is important and yes, having time with your kids and partner is important, but not when it comes at the exclusion of absolutely everything else - friendships, hobbies, interests etc.

not only that, but all the kids I know absolutely love parents gathering with friends, adults doing adult things and kids living their best life together without adults bothering them.

People do what they want, but to me, not having a big social life sounds horribly boring at any age, boring for yourself and boring for those around you.

Reading threads on here, it's also obvious that the less open you are, the more unforgiving and narrow minded you become. Posters who can't bear to host a friend for the night because it's effort, posters who could not bear to spend one night with friends, because they are so stuck up in their own little habits and if they haven't got their teabag just right , it's not acceptable.

Great, but they don't realise how unwelcoming they are becoming, and it's a car crash when their own kids try to bring partners.

Not only they are reducing their world, and missing out more than they admit - or they wouldn't sound so negative and unhappy in all their posts, but they are pushing everyone else away. It's sad. Then they wonder why they are lonely, alone, and when they have kids, why the kids stay well away - and they blame the DIL!

I think people forget that a bit of work, a bit of effort, a bit of leaving one's comfort zone and - yes - a bit of irritation now and again is the price we pay for community.

I'm an introvert and love time by myself. But if I spend too long without doing the work, I end up feeling flat and drained. I find myself getting furious at the world for no good reason. And then I remember my parents and my mental health clients, and I pick up the phone.

People think that's how it was in the past, but in fact it's not, there's quite a bit of research on how people were more pro-social, even a couple of generations back, say the generation that went through the war. One of the fairly obvious reasons is that without a well-developed state, your very survival might depend on others, and certainly any care. People also went to Church which takes all comers and although there were many disadvantages to this, there was also the advantage of people being included who otherwise would be left out of society. The classic text on this is 'Bowling Alone' by Robert Puttnam. Basically going to bowling leagues, being in groups with friends and being out and about creates social capital that is better for our health than doing things individually or always as a tight family unit for pretty obvious reasons.

I don't think it matters if any one individual has a more introverted life, no need to go around in big groups if you don't like, but it is absolutely worth chatting with neighbours, the people down the shop, wider circle of aquaintances and having if possible one or two friends.

The point about social skills is very interesting, I made my children ask in shops and restaurants for anything they wanted from a very early age- if you don't look at the person, ask politely for an ice-cream, then you don't get one, same ordering food, same chatting for two minutes with visitors. Look them in the eye, say hi, ask a question, then they were free. I think these are skills that have to be encouraged and definitely before the teen years when that awkwardness sets in. It's even more the case in families with ND like ours where without explicit training, these things may not be picked up from casual interactions. I feel I can go anywhere and chat, even if I feel nervous or don't fit in immediately, and that is a huge benefit in my profession now as well.

This does not mean I love socialising though. I don't like parties and find small talk painful. Enduring long-term friendships are not like that, though, and even having online groups to be part of can sustain people over the years. As can having great neighbours. It doesn't have to fit in a model, but withdrawing from the world and/or bitching about it does not benefit wellbeing at all.

I'm not a boomer-hater (plenty of good things about them) but, by god, if you work in mental health for long enough you realise there was a sharp spike in individualistic thinking that happened in the seventies when they were young adults. I worked with people in their 80s who consistently seemed much more socially switched-on, curious and tolerant.

Maybe it was the booming economy or the breakdown of the post-war social contract, but we lost something back then, and fast.

Exactly. I have moments of real introversion, often crave alone time and frequently CBA with social stuff.

But "keeping your hand in" with the world is not just something for extroverts and exhibitionists, as is sometimes portrayed on here. It's critical for mental health and social functioning.

You’re absolutely bang on IMO. People are so, so quick to shut themselves away from anything that’s even mildly inconvenient these days, and for some reason that seems to include their friendships.

I don’t think the internet helps - because it naturally attracts those who are more introverted and socially isolated, so it becomes an echo chamber of people reassuring each other that it’s totally normal to never leave your house or to cancel a meet-up because it’s raining or you’re tired.

I mean, there are definitely days where the last thing I want to do is go out for coffee or a dog walk with a friend, but I know that if I repeatedly cancel and isolate myself, that friend will soon lose interest and I’ll only suffer in the long run.

@WonderlandWasAllAHoax it is well known in our household that you never feel like going out just before an event but when you get there you usually have a great time! We joke about it. I also do more cups of tea/coffe and pack of biscuits or some fruit at home these days than I used to as that's pretty relaxing and saves going out! Same at friends. It can be pretty low-key.

@WonderlandWasAllAHoax

You’re absolutely bang on IMO. People are so, so quick to shut themselves away from anything that’s even mildly inconvenient these days, and for some reason that seems to include their friendships.

This, but also to read the worst and most nefarious motives into what people do. There's another parallel thread running on here at the moment which is a great example of this: started by a poster who's got the hump that someone has joined her friendship group and she's feeling a bit marginalised. As far as I can tell its just that the new woman has a bigger personality and is more charismatic. It's very obvious from what the poster has posted that its basically driven by her own jealousy and insecurity: there's no evidence that the new woman has done anything wrong at all other than make friends with her friends. But people are queuing up to call this woman "manipulative", saying she will get her comeuppance and coming up with their own examples of when some "Queen Bee" joined their friendship group and got brought down to size for the temerity of, er, trying to make new friends. One woman suggested that she is up to all sorts of dodgy nocturnal activities. It's one of the most batshit threads I've read on here.

People are so paranoid about their interactions with others and so controlling in the way they approach friendships: they condition themselves to assume that people are all bad actors and trying to ruin their lives. It just makes me wonder how many people I've inadvertently pissed off for being friendly or opening my mouth to venture an opinion.

Don't forget that a lot of people who use chat boards like this one are loners and "connect" through online chat. I'm one of them!

When I say loner, I mean I'm ok on my own and never feel lonely, as I like myself a lot. But no woman/man is an island so connections are good for us in many ways. However I am increasingly fed up joining groups where inevitably the membership breaks down into the mouse in the corner, the talker, the boss, and the complainer. I'm the quiet one and am not by nature a "joiner" but have done so. It's a connection on a superficial level and I'm happy with that.

There are no rules. If you are happy being alone with few or no friends that's fine, it's when you're not, something has to be done!

There are no rules. If you are happy being alone with few or no friends that's fine, it's when you're not, something has to be done!

The problem with this by the time you’ve noticed you’re unhappy and are ready to do something about it, you often have to start completely from scratch which can be almost impossible.

There are personality types which follow predictable paths in social situations. I know exactly what you mean about the talker/the boss etc.

But you can't on the one hand say you're fed up with the dynamic and then also do nothing to change the dynamic. If you don't want to be the mouse in the corner, take control and be someone different. You don't have to be an exhibitionist, but nowhere is it written in stone that you have to stick to these roles.

And you say "if you're happy being alone with few or no friends that's fine"... the problem is people are very often happy with this until they're not. It's very common for people to suddenly realise that all their friendships have fallen away and they want more out of life: but as a PP said it's often too late if you haven't bothered to keep up with people.

I half disagree with the points above. I think it's possible to make social connections later in life. Choirs and walking groups are full of middle-aged and older people who want to join in things, some married, some finding themselves alone. Book clubs similar. I think deeper friendships of the soul sort take much longer, since my twenties, I think I've only made one of these every decade, my time and energy is not available to have that kind of depth friendship I had in my twenties. It is true though that you can't just develop them at the drop of a hat. I'm closed to new friendships now as I wouldn't want to be offering social support to people I haven't known for a long while, happy to chat at work/at social events as and when.

What would it make you feel vulnerable to?

Betrayal by the small number of people you do allow into your inner sanctum
Loneliness
Cynicism
Mistrust
Poor social skills
Boredom
Fixed mentality outlook on life
Inward-looking approach with few new ideas
Lack of perspective

All relationships end one of you will die first.

Your children, if you have any will get married and move away. Won't necessarily always be around the corner from you.

For me, I'd see it as being protection from being completely and utterly alone in the future. Oh, can't imagine having absolutely nobody to call on

To have a chat too, meet for coffee. Oh, one, you're getting older or ill.Somebody who can come and visit you.

These proud I hate people's threads where you're openly declaring this rather than just living your fucking life and not inflicting this nonsense on others it just makes me realise well you'll maybe be alone one day.

Maybe won't miss having someone to pop out for coffee with when you're retired and potentially alone and don't see anybody day today. But maybe just maybe you'd like to have someone to be able to do that with.