To not be bothered with friends or people?

[NovemberChill]

I don’t know if I’m getting miserable but I’m just not bothered by having friends as much anymore. I have 1 good friend who I see maybe once a month or so if that for a couple of hours, but other than that I don’t really have anyone. To be honest it sounds awful but if I have something to share about whatever or ask for an opinion I’d rather ask my partner, dad, or chat GPT!! I’ve found when I have had friends and opened up in the end we either fall out or they let me down - and I just can’t be bothered with it. I’m happy doing things on my own.
also I think the age of sharing on social media is coming to an end slowly, don’t you? All the gen Z’s I worked with hardly ever posted updates on Facebook etc.

It's fine.
Really, fine. 😊

😆😆😆

I know children can leave, partners can divorce you or die, as can parents but I just think I’d rather spend time with those people at this stage in my life who are important to me, than waste time on people who might disappear when I need them or when life changes. I’ve got 2 young children.

I don’t really like going abroad but when I do it’s with my partner and children, or I had a little break this year with my 1 friend and both of our children.

i hope on my death bed I won’t be alone and fingers crossed children or grandchildren will be there - or I’ll make friends again later in life. A lot of friends disappear when you need them - I learnt that through my hospital stays last year. You can’t really live like that either, as anyone can die at any time.

I agree with you, and it goes for family too. I have a sister who ignored me when everything was going swimmingly in her life, as soon as something went wrong she demanded help & attention because we're related. And I'm not talking about ill health, but a situation with her husband that we all saw coming. Even so, I was there for her anyway, but if I happened to have a difference of opinion on ANYTHING she'd hit the roof and become abusive.
So I backed off, and have a much more peaceful life now.

There are posts on here every week from people who struggle to make friends once their kids have grown, or their partners have died, or simply fucked off.

Making friends doesn't mean you stop spending time with your partner or family, but it does mean you have a safety net and a support network when the shit hits the fan.

As you say, anyone can die at any time, so having a pre-existing support network who can (hopefully) step up is hugely important. And the bigger your network, the more likely it is that someone will help you when you need them to.

@VoltaireMittyDream is deserting a friend while they are sectioned and never speaking to them again not letting them down?

Well you have a partner, 1 friend and your dad so you do have relationships with people. You don’t need to seek other people out if you don’t to as what you have seems to be enough.
Sometimes though the less we see people the more insular we become so trying to make a few more connections could be helpful. But tbh I’ve become more and more like this as I get older, I have always had friends, and I have a husband, children and family but find myself becoming less social

I always find mumsnet so strange on topics like this. People get almost fanatical on here about UPF food, obsessising over stock cubes and shop bought bread and reining down on any posters that dare feed their child a pouch.

Yet social connections and being socially active are just as key to a healthy and long life. It's been proven that lonlieness and social isolation contributes to a wide range of health problems such as diabetes, heart problems, dementia and obesity as well as the impact on mental health. It's said to be the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

Yet I never see the same concern about being socially active and having friends and how important it is on here compared to the umpteen topics on processed food. In fact it's the opposite, people almost boasting or gleeful about how they have no friends and no need for anyone in their lives.

We aren't built to live in isolation, we all need people in our lives outwith our family units and for some people who are introverts this need may not be great as others.

That's absolutely horrendous. I'm so sorry and hope you're OK - and have met some lovely friends who will stick with you through the bad times as well as the good. ❤️

And then they become very bitter old people complaining about how nobody’s there for them / you can never count on anyone / they’re abandoned and alone yet again etc. With zero insight into how they’ve ended up in this situation, and that their spikiness and deep suspicion of other people might have had something to do with it.

PPs upthread mentioned how friends are often useless in a crisis and casual acquaintances step up - and this is often the case, and is devastatingly hurtful when it happens. I experienced this when my child died.

But it does show how important it is to have those casual acquaintances!! And not to write off the entire human race on the basis of a few disappointing experiences. People can surprise you in good ways as well as bad.

I think it’s also really important to recognise that friends are not social workers or therapists or parents or carers or people whose role is to ‘support’ you. Friends are sometimes just people whose company you enjoy. They don’t need to agree with you about everything or validate all your life choices, and they don’t need to make themselves available whenever you want them, and they don’t need to put their own lives on hold to nurse you through a crisis. That is way beyond the remit of most friendships.

And that’s why it’s helpful to have a wider network of people with whom you’re on friendly terms, rather than relying on one or two intense and enmeshed relationships where you’re likely to be asking a lot more of someone than one person can reasonably be expected to offer.

I totally agree with you.

But internet forums are skewed towards the socially-awkward by their very nature (and I include my awkward autistic self in that, lol) so the answers you get here aren't going to be representative of society as a whole.

MN is the home of people who don't answer the phone, ignore their own front door and look down on people who socialise with other parents at the school gates, or (gasp) with their work colleagues, or those who dare to occasionally go out on a Friday night and leave their kids with a sitter.

It's no coincidence that it's also home to multiple people who don't have anyone who can help in an emergency, who don't have people who can help with the school run or with nipping to the shops when their children are sick. Then, those same people are the ones posting about how bereft they are when their teenagers no longer want to join in on family outings or are off to university.

It's depressing, IMO, not something to be celebrated.

Yep, I totally agree with you. When DH ended up in A&E recently, we had several people who stepped up to help with our animals, and even someone who came to our house to take in the food shop while we were both dealing with him receiving a life-changing diagnosis.

It's so, so important not to cut yourself off from the wider world.

I don't holiday with my friends, I'm not that fussed about holidays. I'm more interested in having connections with a few people in the neighbourhood to say hi to, work colleagues I can have lunch with and friends who've known me for a long time. It doesn't have to be intense or often or part of some group that has 'girls nights out' if you don't want, but to have very few connections can be difficult in all kinds of ways.

In your case, OP, you have been through something traumatic, difficult and your good friend wasn't there for you, it sounds like she was overwhelmed and/or ran away and that's very hurtful. I'm not dismissing that at all.

I'm not sure the solution is though to not be bothered with friends or people in the future.

If anything, having a wider circle of connections means that if one person can't step up (which is common, as they have their own lives and families and illnesses and troubles) then there's a few more to go around.

Your friend's behaviour was not ok and I have felt that feeling of being let down before and it's not nice. The only thing that made me feel better was that I wasn't dependent on the friends who weren't really there for me and so it impacted me less.

I’m the same, apart from the chat gpt bit. I have my husband and my sister and they’re the only people I can tolerate for long stretches of time 😂.

Im too flakey to be a good friend, but if anyone ever needed help in any way, I’d do everything I could.

I'm not sure the solution is though to not be bothered with friends or people in the future. If anything, having a wider circle of connections means that if one person can't step up (which is common, as they have their own lives and families and illnesses and troubles) then there's a few more to go around.

Yes, this is exactly it.

I am sorry this happened to you.

I also know how hard it is to be a friend to someone in severe MH crisis - I grew up with a parent who was very emotionally unstable and attempted suicide a number of times.

And I did end up estranged from him, because nothing I did could ever be good enough, and I couldn’t keep on pouring all of myself into supporting him when all he could perceive was abandonment and betrayal.

The more we all gave, the more he needed, and none of it was ever enough, and he would lash out and make us all feel guilty and threaten to kill himself. It was part and parcel of his mental illness.

I loved him very much. But his insistence that none of us loved him drove us all away in the end.

I often think how hard it must have been for him to feel so unloved - when we were bending over backwards to love him, despite how aggressive and hurtful he often was. But he couldn’t feel our love at all, and genuinely believed everyone was out to get him.

So now when I meet someone who can’t register the good or neutral intentions of others, I steer clear. Because I am not going to be put in that position again of giving my all only to be accused of betrayal or abandonment.

I really wish for you that you can be open to the possibility that you are cared about. And I hope that you have the support you need. 💐

Very wise words.

I see where the OP is coming from. I am 81 now. I have one very good friend who comes around once a week. He would come more often if I asked but I rarely do. We have a meal and share a bottle of (non alcoholic) wine and have a natter. He stays about 4 hours but at the end of that time I am glad to see him go. Not because he has done anying wrong or that I dont enjoy his company. But 4 hours of any one person is enough. He also lives alone so I suspect he feels the same.

I also run a buriness and do private tutoring so I have many other commttments and its not like I have nothing to fill my time. In fact I resent any unexpected happening which takes me away from my routine. And like all good Mumsnetters I never answer the door to unexpected callers unless they are delivering a package.

Well, it's your choice, I suppose. But from my perspective, life is ultimately about people and relationships more than anything else. Quality not quantity, of course, but personally, I wouldn't want to leave myself in a position where I had so few people in my life. It would make me feel very vulnerable.

There have been some tragic cases of suicide in young people as a result of these interactions with ChatGPT and AI bots. It’s a worry.

you are dangerously making it unfair for your own children.

You don't have children to create your support group, you should encourage them to be as independent and happy as possible. Not having a life and relying on them is terrible.

What example do you give if you never even go away for a weekend with friends (or alone)?

And the lack of awareness that they too are ‘other people’ to many!

And it's interesting that so many people are utterly OBSESSED with making sure their kids attend activities and playdates, and are invited to parties, but don't seem to click that those things are just as important in adulthood.

it is letting them down, but it doesn't mean everybody is the same, and more importantly it might mean you have too much expectations on friends.

You can have friends, generally kind and helpful people, but they have their own life and you shouldn't burden them systematically with the heavy stuff. It doesn't mean they wouldn't take your kids for 2 or 3 nights in case of emergency

It means you can't expect them to become your support group. It's too much.

You don't get very close and intimate friends, nearly siblings, until you start somewhere lighter anyway.

No wonder MN has so many posters who collapse in a heap when their kids go off to uni.
Your kids may emigrate too. Be prepared for that.