To not be bothered with friends or people?

[NovemberChill]

I don’t know if I’m getting miserable but I’m just not bothered by having friends as much anymore. I have 1 good friend who I see maybe once a month or so if that for a couple of hours, but other than that I don’t really have anyone. To be honest it sounds awful but if I have something to share about whatever or ask for an opinion I’d rather ask my partner, dad, or chat GPT!! I’ve found when I have had friends and opened up in the end we either fall out or they let me down - and I just can’t be bothered with it. I’m happy doing things on my own.
also I think the age of sharing on social media is coming to an end slowly, don’t you? All the gen Z’s I worked with hardly ever posted updates on Facebook etc.

I'm sorry to those who have had horrible things happen and felt let down by friends.

Saying that though, most people I know have some sort of shit going on in their lives, I know I do. My capacity to provide intense support to a friend going through a shot time is sometimes not there, as I m struggling myself. I think people forget that their friends are people with their own lives and not just pals who can prop other people up. Between my kids, job and dying elderly parent I would not have anytime to spend in A&E with a friend having a breakdown, for example. But that doesn't mean I don't care about them, I just have my own shit to deal with. And friends are there to cheer each other up and have fun with, not be a free support worker

That's a real shame. I wonder what she was thinking

I'm not the best at keeping in touch. I mostly, find friendship hard work. It's a fault in me, not others. I've had friends during my life, but even as a child, I don't remember really wanting them. I don't have any friends now at my ripe old age, but I'm comfortable with that. Going for a coffee and chat every now & then with someone would be great, but they're not going to come knocking on my front door. So, friendless I shall be for eternity

I have always told my kids (now young adults) not to rely on one person for everything. You can get something different from every friendship: the fun times, the support, the shared hobby, the one you relate to politically, the one who understands about relationships, the one who organises everything etc. We too mean different things to different people. That’s fine. The putting all eggs in one basket approach to a relationship is a risky strategy in my view.

Then again I think you can get something out of a quick chat with a retail assistant, a joke with the dry cleaner, a laugh with the barista. I think life is about people and interactions which are good for the soul, and I can’t imagine choosing a life of solitude. But I know many think my life would be hell too!

I don't have friends just husband and kids, have not been blessed with a life that has led to lasting friends unfortunately. Was moved around my whole childhood and even in my adulthood I was in survival mode, met husband and now live that life with kids.

Growing up, my parents didn’t socialise much. They showed no interest in our friends and faintly disapproved of socialising. Definitely took a toll on us. Bullied and left out and sad.

I Decided to do the opposite when I had children. I worked full-time in a stressful job but made a huge effort to encourage play dates and be sociable with other school parents. It was actually a lot of hard work but it paid dividends. My kids grew up sociable and not left out of things. Unlike my childhood experience. It was definitely worth the effort.

I would, too! In fact, that's exactly how I reacted when my parents did get terminal cancer. My sibling stayed away, though.

@Enigma54 What I've come to realise is that people who stay away when someone has cancer are displaying a character weakness, rather than cruelty, although it certainly looks and feels like cruelty. My sibling refused to even spend my dad's last two Christmases with him, even though he was terminal. But now he's gone, she misses him dreadfully. She absolutely CANNOT cope with being around someone who has cancer. She was just the same with my mum. It's a real weakness and, actually, a vulnerability in them. I do hope that helps a little. Really, really sorry to hear that you're incurable. Sending you gentle hugs. 💐

This sort of attitude is sadly all too common at the moment, there's an epidemic of isolation and the celebration of "introversion" (not really introversion at all) and its all very fashionable. But people who convince themselves they "don't need friends" and "don't need people" are setting themselves up to be very isolated and lonely.

We're naturally social animals. There is tons of evidence to show that loneliness and isolation are as bad for your health as heavy drinking and smoking. Not everyone needs to be a roaring extrovert or going to parties every weekend, but having some points of contact outside of your immediate family is essential to your mental health and also good insurance. Just under half of marriages fail and even if your marriage remains intact, people who only see their immediate families become very set in their ways and hardened to certain ways of seeing the world. It's not a healthy way to live. People who cut themselves off from everyone other than their family are at much higher risk of mental health problems and age much faster.

I understand that sometimes it can be hard to prioritise having friendship, particularly if you have children and a job. I often crave time alone at home. But it's as important a part of your health as exercise or caring for your personal hygiene. Lose friendships at your peril and hold onto your social muscle. Despite what the militant introverts would tell you, keeping connections with the outside world is one of the best gifts you can ever give yourself.

I don’t know, it’s difficult isn’t it.

I’ve got 2 friends who I’ve had since childhood - 1 was quite literally in the bed next to me in the maternity ward when we were born. The other I met at nursery aged 3. Both of them checked in on me while I was poorly, either through some form of text, call or visit. We don’t really do anything together and one lives many miles away but I do know they are “there”
my cousin was a best friend but she past away. I have another cousin who again I see rarely but she’s only a message away and I know she’s there if I need her. Then the friend I mentioned above, and that’s it really.
other friends have been friends I partied with in my 20s who’s friendship changed and we grew apart when I had children, ex work colleagues, and the friend I mentioned who stopped talking to me while I was poorly. I didn’t expect her to sit in a&e with me, I only saw her once the whole time I was unwell. She just very much judged me and left me when I was really struggling. Now I’m ok I just think what a fucking bitch doing that to me when I needed her most, she lived at my parents in our 20s they treated her like another daughter and when life was hard she just dropped me like a stone.

im happy to have acquaintances and meet ex colleagues for coffee etc but at this stage in life I just can’t be arsed to waste my precious time on people who don’t really care or fall our over petty things.

I just can’t be arsed to waste my precious time on people who don’t really care or fall our over petty things.

But what does that have to do with "bothering with friends or people" as per your title? I've never fallen out with any of my friends since becoming an adult.

It sounds like you need to meet some better people.

im happy to have acquaintances and meet ex colleagues for coffee etc but at this stage in life I just can’t be arsed to waste my precious time on people who don’t really care or fall our over petty things.

But why do you assume that people are going to not care or to fall out over petty things? If you approach people with that mindset people are always going to come up short. Like the oft-used word "drama". So many people say they can't be bothered with friends because its too much "drama". What does that even mean? If people are arseholes or they create "drama", drop them and move on. Take people as you find them, but don't write "people" off from the getgo.

This is what I find so bizarre about these threads. People queue up to say they've been ghosted by a friend or have fallen out, as if one broken friendship in and of itself is enough to give up on the whole concept of friendship. It's a bit like failing to get a job and then swearing off job hunting forever: defeatist and self-prophesising misery.

People are people. Some are wonderful, some are arseholes, most are somewhere in the middle. If you expect everyone to tick every single box you're always going to be disappointed. But you can't expect everyone to conform to a perfect fantasy of friendship and then, when they inevitably fail to live up to this, drop people en masse forever.

Such a weird mindset.

I'm not saying this necessarily applies to anyone on this thread, but I do wonder if there is a link here somewhere.

Because it seems to be that those people who are very quick to "write off" people and friendships are always the people who have been "dropped" by multiple different people over the years.

Yes, there are arseholes out there, if but if the majority of people you know are ghosting you or "dropping you" out of the blue, is it not possible that there's something else going on with how you pick your friends, or how you try and maintain those friendships?

I find a lot of people on here are very over-demanding of friendships: they find someone they like and then expect to be BFFs and then get huffy when the other person has other friends and other priorities, flouncing and sulky because they aren't making enough time or because of one cancelled meeting.

Adult women for the most part are incredibly tired and time poor and no one is going to be able to live up to this level of demand alongside their children/spouse/job/hobbies. Not being able to clear the decks for a friend all the time doesn't mean they aren't a good person or nice to have around. It's all very all or nothing and a bit unrealistic.

Friendships by their nature go in cycles and wax and wane. If you cut off or ghost everyone who fails to live up to your expectations you're going to find yourself very lonely.

I definitely blame myself, I am a bit weird, and don't always understand social cues. For example I have to remind myself to break eye contact when talking, and not to monopolise conversations. It's still hurtful though when I find out that people I thought were my friends aren't.

Basically though I find socialising exhausting and I don't enjoy it.

I'm fine with having no friends, I never feel lonely and have my DH and family if I ever need help with anything.

I can't change who I am.

It's not about apportioning blame, but if everyone you befriend is reacting to you in the same way, then it's likely that you're the common denominator, rather than that every single other person is an arsehole. That doesn't mean you're a bad person or a shit friend, by any means, though.

I mean, I'm autistic and have had real, real difficulty maintaining friendships throughout my life - it's only now I'm nearing 40 that I've found my "tribe" and have learnt enough about social niceties and effort to be able to maintain multiple friendships with people - and it's still not easy and I still have days where I would rather bury myself under a blanket than go and see people. But I do it because I recognise it's essential if I want to keep them in my life.

It just seems to be that a lot of people lash out and blame other people rather than look at what they could do to change things, that's all.

@Thepeopleversuswork I definitely agree with you about it being very intense and all or nothing on here sometimes. I read some threads and think I'd run a mile if someone I knew acted like that.

My theory is that most of these posts are from people who got married quite young, let all their friendships fall away when they had kids because they believed at the time that they no longer needed them and then realised several years down the line that they needed to build their network back up. So when they find someone who could become a friend they latch on and smother them until they run away. Because they haven't socialised with anyone outside their family since they were teenagers they've forgotten how to behave when meeting people.

The more of these sorts of threads I read the more convinced I become of the value of keeping friendships up. See also the "school mums are all bitches" threads. It's middle-aged women in arrested development who haven't used the social muscle for 20 years and don't know the rules of the game any more.

This is what happens when people retreat into "my little family". They forget how normal people behave around others.

This is sad.

This is what happens when people retreat into "my little family". They forget how normal people behave around others.

I honestly think you're onto something here. The more time you spend away from people, the more you're going to struggle when you do have to be around them.

I have one childhood friend who I’m close to.

About 10 years ago a friend betrayed a confidence. I’m a private person, always have been, and that floored me. Ever since then I’ve made acquaintances, not friends. I’m mistrustful of people and keep everything on a superficial level.
I’m not sure how to go about making new friends anyway, I have a teenager, a full time job and a needy elderly mother. By the time I’ve finished work, made dinner and walked the dog I might squeeze in a swim or a workout at the gym, which is essential for my MH. Leaves little time for new hobbies.

This is such a brilliant post and I'm glad someone else has posted about social isolation, lonliness and the impact on health and wellbeing. It's such a shame being socially active and having connections isn't given the same consideration on here on how beneficial they are for health as healthy eating and food is. People on here aren't even a fraction concerned about the impact on isolation and loneliness on their health as they are about bloody UPFs.

It's nothing to be proud of and when you're on your death bed or dying.Maybe you'd wish you made a few more friends because no one will be there to visit you

What a mean spirited thing to say. Especially as at least one person on here has said friends deserted them when they were diagnosed with cancer.

My friends are one of the biggest joys of my life. You'd rather talk to AI. That's really sad.

I never understand the posters sobbing that their lonely when their teenagers decide they would rather spend their time with friends than their parents which is of course to most normal people should be expected and moreover what you want your teenagers to be doing.

It's the same posters who say they can't see friends at a weekend as weekends need to be "family time" as if children somehow need 52 weekends a year of only family time and no one else in order to be close as a family. Children aren't their to be friends, peers or companions for their adults. I think it's a terrible example and not to mention quite isolating for children to see their parents have no friends and have no family friends for their family. It widens your children's world too and provides support for them.

We didn't live near family but it didn't matter as my parents had built such a vast social network where we lived that we were always busy as a family such as parties, having my parents friends and their kids over in an evening, barbecues and other social events. It made for such richer and enjoyable childhood than one where it was just us and our parents. These family friends were at my wedding and now even know my children and have babysat for them. It's what I hope to achieve for my children too and ensure they grow up with a happy, sociable childhood.

Chat gpt is good. Beats advice you will ever get from any friend!
I guess the concern is you become isolated. But if you’re happy then it’s right for you.

And this right here is what's wrong with society today. People thinking and advising that an AI tool can give you more advice than an actual human friend with emotions, empathy and lived experience.