AIBU to be upset when Mum's have been banned from my child's team tour?

[Momoftwoscallywags]

I have previously posted that my DS (13 years old) plays a team sport and that his team have had some new coaches this season.

Recently, the usual tour details were posted by one of the new coaches and it was stated that Mum's shouldn't be going on tour, as apparently this is traditional in this particular sport? And that if Dad's couldn't go, and you didn't want your child going alone, then an appropriate male guardian would be acceptable in their place.

Well, as you could image this has caused an up roar and did lead to a last minute change of heart by the coaches but I get the impression that the coaches didn't do this willingly and that they were told to do so by the club, but I am not 100% sure of this.

So now there are no Mum's on this tour and, shockingly, some of the kids haven’t been able to go on the tour because of their personal circumstances.
And, setting aside all the gender discrimination in this situation, it is this which I truly think is the most upsetting part of it all, as team sport should be for all kids and the coaches should be bending over backwards to make this happen for every kid, regardless of circumstances.

I don't think this is right because

1. The dad's are not coaches and have not been DBS chekced so therefore the dad's are irrelevant to the well being of the group on tour only relevant to their own child.
2. Because Dad's have a very well known terrible reputation on the side lines of boys sports.

I'm worried about your social circle from all your comments.

I just know my circle. Other people are oblivious to the characters in theirs.

You just know better than everyone it would seem

Sorry if I make you feel as if you don't know much.

I agree that most of us, unfortunately, will unwittingly know predators that are hidden in plain sight. But you knowing for a fact that you know multiple child predators...maybe change your circle?

Not everyone that I'd think inappropriate to be around children would be classified a child predator.

So long as the dads aren't trying to get into the locker room with the girls, there shouldn't be a problem.

OP didn't say anything about a WhatsApp group.

Other people did based on OP's previous posts.

Three weeks ago or so the OP wrote that the same coaches had set up a WhatsApp group for the team. Parents were specifically not allowed in the group. It was pointed out that this is against Safeguarding rules. Under both soccer and rugby rules (and most others I'm sure), coaches are not allowed to have underage players phone numbers, let alone be allowed communicate in secret with them.

These same coaches are now trying to exclude mothers from an activity with their children.

Even if the coaches are not doing this with nefarious plans, it is very very clear that they have absolutely no clue about Safeguarding, their role, and their sporting authority's regulations. They are absolutely unfit to be coaches and this needs to be escalated.

For me, yes. I know what you're saying but there are girls out there without mums, and boys without dads. It's discriminatory, plain and simple.

I don't know how they'd manage it, and when chaperones are needed - e.g. if the children need to share a room with their family member, or if dorms could be arranged - but if they don't want the dynamic interfered with by parents of a particular sex, they should just try to limit contact between players and chaperones on the trip.

I also agree this is a safeguarding red flag; it sounds like they are trying to hide some nefarious activity.

Oh, we’re not doing the “women are just as likely to be abusive as men” thing, are we? How tiresome.

Is there a regulatory body?

Have you been in touch with them @Momoftwoscallywags ?

Exactly this, report it.
Here's where to report it for rugby.
https://www.englandrugby.com/run/rules-governance/diversity-and-inclusion/report-an-issue

https://www.rugby-league.com/governance/safeguarding/reporting-a-concern

And here for football:
https://www.thefa.com/football-rules-governance/safeguarding/reporting-concerns

Absolutely.

Indeed. When my DD was into iceskating and doing comps my DH took her every time as he was comfortable with driving all over the country and all hours. No need to go into the female changing rooms even as her sole parent/guardian. Lots of dads accompanied their daughter alone - mums at home with other siblings like me. Dad’s take their daughters to cricket all the time at the club where DH coaches too.

To clarify some points:

We chose this club because, up until recently, the coaches have been very vocal about the importance of family values.

Previous tours have always been family orientated with a mixture of families and single parents (mainly Mum's), which was fabulous, as for some families this was the only chance some of the kids went on holiday.

All the other age groups at the club also do "family" tours and it wasn't until the kids got to youth level (16+) that single sex tours were preferred (and at this age I totally get that male only spaces are required.)
It seems that the coaches, for us, have deviated from the accepted norm.

@sleepingstandingup
Mum's aren't refusing to go, on the contrary, most of them were so looking forward to going on tour, it has literally broken their hearts to tell their children they can’t go.

@CautiousLurker2
The accommodation arrangements are similar to a hostel dorm with small groups of between 6 or 8 sharing bathroom facilities. The Dad's have been asked to sort the "spaces" out between themselves with the Coaches saying they will randomly allocate places if they can't.........
P.S. your Husband sounds lovely and the perfect coach, wish our's were like him.

@Jadesquid
The tour is in the next county over and would involve a 4 to 5 hour round trip for the Mum to go and support a game at pitch side.

@Franpie
@Everychairiswobbly
I think you are both spot on. I don't think it's about the sport, just the desire to drink in excess.

And please don't say I am just moaning about this as that is just presumptuous and put's you in the same category as these coaches, who also seem to think they can tell me what to do.

friend who lived on my street was also a single parent and she went with her son on the rugby tour

she was the only mother

on the last night they did a secret Santa type gift thing and in front of the men, she unwrapped a huge dildo that they had given to her. She came back and told me this and was actually quite pissed off (didn’t show it at the time). Men on these stupid tours can be complete cocks. It’s just an excuse for drinking and juvenile behaviour. They just don’t want women around. Amazed this bloke has the audacity to say it though.

You're reading the thread, so please answer: what happened about the WhatsApp group? I suspect the answer is nothing because the coaches are suggesting something else dodgy. And if you have more concerns, twice in one month, that the coaches are breaking Safeguarding rules, why in the name of God have you not reported them?

"The tour is in the next county over and would involve a 4 to 5 hour round trip for the Mum to go and support a game at pitch side."

This is what I assumed

Do you understand why it might be important for a group of young boys to have a strong relationship with some other males?

Yes if the dads were accompanying and supporting their daughters...

I'm not sure I understand why it is important for young boys to be in the sole company of a group of men who just happen to be the dads of boys on a team.

I presume these people are DBS checked but even still.

And as we all know, a clear DBS just means the holder hasn't been caught doing anything.