AIBU to be upset when Mum's have been banned from my child's team tour?

[Momoftwoscallywags]

I have previously posted that my DS (13 years old) plays a team sport and that his team have had some new coaches this season.

Recently, the usual tour details were posted by one of the new coaches and it was stated that Mum's shouldn't be going on tour, as apparently this is traditional in this particular sport? And that if Dad's couldn't go, and you didn't want your child going alone, then an appropriate male guardian would be acceptable in their place.

Well, as you could image this has caused an up roar and did lead to a last minute change of heart by the coaches but I get the impression that the coaches didn't do this willingly and that they were told to do so by the club, but I am not 100% sure of this.

So now there are no Mum's on this tour and, shockingly, some of the kids haven’t been able to go on the tour because of their personal circumstances.
And, setting aside all the gender discrimination in this situation, it is this which I truly think is the most upsetting part of it all, as team sport should be for all kids and the coaches should be bending over backwards to make this happen for every kid, regardless of circumstances.

Lots of clubs require parents to attend and retain legal responsibility. This brings the cost of tours down considerably

This is all just for the dads benefit. They want to go off on tour and get tanked up without any pesky wives around. No more, no less.

Absolutely terrible but the way it’s always been with rugby as I understand it.

Quite! My DC both play rugby and mums are just as welcome on the tours. This rule is just stupid.

Why are they banned from staying in the hotel?
What if the coach was female?

No, I know that woman, and I know there will be others like her. I've just seen her in action. It is about the possibility of there being an adult who acts inappropriately with the children, especially outside of formal sporting time and where there may be drinking and the like.

I have answered that already.

What?

My DD plays rugby. We go on tour a mix of mums and dads accompany. Sometimes a parent can’t come with and a parent volunteers to be their guardian. We have male and female coaches.

Thus isn’t a rugby thing.

The attitude of this coach is toxic and encourages the stereotype rugby lad culture of drinking, cheating and not treating women as equals.

In men’s rugby it absolutely would be. If they were saying they wanted to create a women’s only space nobody would have an issue with it.

So you're saying a female coach would stop them having a tour.

Check out your misogyny

Yes. I'd be concerned about grooming and SA in both these situations. It's dodgy AF.

Just asked my DH about this - played rugby at amateur level until 30’s, took DS to clubs when small, and is a cricket coach - mainly boys but there is one talented girl on his team. He is appalled. Excluding women creates a wall - it implies that ‘only men’ can play the specific sport, or support it, and it limits the ability of women to bond with their male children over it.

He recalls the utter joy at watching the Underwood twins playing rugby for England a few decades ago and the TV shots of their mum screaming and jumping up and down with joy in the crowd when they were playing. THAT’s what these sports teams should be fostering. Sport should unite the sexes, cross class and racial boundaries, foster respect for all people devoting time to it. This banning of mums on tour is, frankly, despicable. My DH says that if it happened at any of the clubs he is involved in, it would mean an immediate resignation on his part.

Didnt say that at all. They wouldn't have a single sex tour. Please stop trying to reach so far. You'll pull a muscle.

Crazy that there’s all this indignation at a male only single sex space, but a women’s only single sex space must be respected

Except you haven't.

You seem to think part of positive coaching is having a tour with only one sex allowed even as supporters.
You have also said that there shouldn't be any supporters at all hen you referred to your own kid just being with his coach.

The idea that there could even be a female coach hadn't entered your head because you were justifying the tour being single sex on good training grounds. It's misogyny

In that case, the tour organisers need to lay out the behaviours required of parents. Why should every mum or dad be excluded based on the unacceptable behaviour of one individual.

Excluding all males or females needs to be a proportionate means to achieve a legitimate aim. What is the legitimate aim for excluding all mums or dads from attending a tour?

Its the belief that as the "real" parent, mums' should never be excluded. The same women complain that they're seen as the default parent, though.

No sport with decent safeguarding would allow this.

Putting your children at this kind of risk is not worth it to get them to international level.

Are you the coach?

That single sex spaces are positive environments, too. It strengthens the son/dad or mum/daughter relationship, too.

Why do you think you feel so aggrieved at the thought of boys having group time with their dad's and other adult males without their mothers' involved?

100%. A male space is actually really good and they should be encouraged

There needs to be a legitimate reason for having any single sex provision. Where single sex is a proportionate means to achieving a legitimate aim, this should be provided.

A lot of parents just don't dominate every area of their children's lives and we actually let them have personal relationships with other people.

The creation of a single sex space is considered to be a legitimate reason.

It’s not a male only single space is it? It’s a sports trip, not a spiritual retreat at a monastery. The only single sex space involved is the changing room and showers [and perhaps the dormitories unless the boys share with their parents] - which absolutely should remain SS and also be supervised in a way that safeguards the children using them….ie NO adult males present. So whether the accompanying parent is male or female is totally irrelevant.