Wedding gift. What would you do?

[SunnyPlumOrca]

Need your thoughts.
We have been invited to a wedding but instead of giving a gift the bride and groom have asked for donations to their honeymoon.
We have never heard of this before and it strikes us as being very rude.
A wedding gift is usually a gift to help in the set up of their new life together, not to help go on holiday.
The wedding itself sounds as if it is a lavish affair and is going to be costly anyway for guests.
Am I being unreasonable to give them a gift that I want to give

It is not a new idea, I have been asked to do this twice in the past 15 years or so, I think it is pretty common. You just give what you can afford or would have spent on a gift. The bride and groom will be very grateful for all the donations and it is what they want. It is no different from a wedding list at a store where they can see what you have spent anyway.

It’s indeed crass and tacky but you aren’t going to win this battle.

It's grabby af of course, but it has become normalised. You can get them whatever you want, but grabby people always bitch and complain when they don''t get their way, so probably easiest just to give them the money.

You are definitely being unreasonable, I can’t think of a single wedding I’ve been to in the last 20 years where this wasn’t the case!
Most couples live together and don’t need household items. Surely from a gift buying point of view it’s also easier for the guest too. You sound ridiculously old fashioned in claiming that this is either somehow rude or remotely unusual!

FFS, just give them some money as requested. They won't care how much. This is completely standard these days. Most people live together before getting married so have all the stuff they need. Gift registries were standard before that.

Yes set up a home back in the 1950s I get, now I think their wedding i give what they want, it is about what they want not me

If i dont agree i dont habe to attend

Totally normal. My stepson had a list of experiences for their honeymoon (dinner at X restaurant, tour of Y, cooking evening etc), as they had been living together for five years so didn’t need any more stuff.

It know times change and people hsve tons of household stuff but.asking for you to contribute towards the cost of a honeymoon is really entitled and frankly ill mannered.

Plus you may have bought new clotheds especially to attend their wedding.

Give them a gift voucher from Waitrose which can only be spent on food.Aroind ,£25.

This is extremely common. You are very out of touch.

I did this when I got married in 2011.

Bollocks have they been thrilled; handmade gifts, seriously.

My sister did that and she did the cringe poem asking for money. She sent it with the invitations too.

The most recent wedding invitation i had asked for no presents or money as they had everything they needed and people were spending money to attend the wedding and stay over night etc.

The first is just tacky.

I know it’s commonplace but I still find it crass. If it were me, I would ask for no gifts. It should be about the celebration and the people, not what you get out of it. People generally live together before marriage and/or have homes so are sorted for toasters and kettles. I’d just give them some money towards their honeymoon.

Asking for no gifts doesn't work though because people will want to give a present. Stating no gifts just leads to everyone asking or people overthinking the situation wondering if they will annoy the couple by ignoring their request.

Which one? 😂

I went to a wedding where honeymoon requests was done very tastefully with a list so people could choose according to budget and it was made clear that their invite was not dependant on making any contribution. The list included things like £10 to buy a delicious Italian icecream to higher priced items such as a gondola ride or spa treatment at the honeymoon hotel. I thought it was a fab idea.

ODFOD. HTH 🥰

Why would people do that though rather than just taking it at face value and not giving or asking about a gift? Clearly if they’ve put no gifts on the invite, they don’t want any gifts!

You can though, just don’t give them anything. I don’t agree with asking for gifts or money despite how common and normalised it is so I never give either.

For the weddings I have been to recently, they all seem to use online registries for which you have to ask the couple for a link ( so not in your face expectation of a gift) - the items are usually a good range of price options and include things like nicer cookware than they currently have :much like my own John Lewis register of over 30 years ago, though rather more emphasis then of accumulating a good dinner service. These online ones include options for contributions to a honeymoon fund which is what I tend to choose. . All seems like a simple way of doing it, still got a lovely thank you note after from the bride.

Why not just give them £25 towards the travel which is what they asked for? What difference does it make?

Don’t be ridiculous! What is ill mannered (and a complete waste of money) is completely ignoring the couple’s request and getting them a gift they don’t want and have no need for! 🙄

If you don't give money and buy a gift you are making it clear that you think they are grabby and risking spending money on something they don't want or like. So by sticking to your opinion on the situation you have alienated the couple, stood out as too principled to consider what they actually wanted and probably wasted your money to do this.

If you do give the money the couple are grateful, you haven't wasted your money as it's spent on something the couple wanted and you are left just having an opinion, that you can keep to yourself that you found it grabby. But no harm done.

If you need to have a bit of a rant about it then post on a forum where nobody involved in your real life will be affected. Then give the money
Hopefully this is what you are doing.😀

We asked for this 16 yrs ago. We lived together for a few years before hand so didn't need 'wedding presents'. Friend of mine bought a doer upper house and asked for b & q vouchers. More than happy to contribute.

I don't know why people think it is "grabby" to say what you would like for a wedding present. It has always been standard practice to expect to buy a present and also to expect helpful suggestions so that the happy couple don't end up with duplicates or things they don't need. If they don't want presents they make that clear or sometimes suggest a charity donation if people really want to give something. What is grabby is not to send thanks to their guests afterwards. Also not everyone feels the need to buy a new outfit every time they attend an event.