Wedding gift. What would you do?

[SunnyPlumOrca]

Need your thoughts.
We have been invited to a wedding but instead of giving a gift the bride and groom have asked for donations to their honeymoon.
We have never heard of this before and it strikes us as being very rude.
A wedding gift is usually a gift to help in the set up of their new life together, not to help go on holiday.
The wedding itself sounds as if it is a lavish affair and is going to be costly anyway for guests.
Am I being unreasonable to give them a gift that I want to give

Completely normal now. The last few weddings I have all been to have specified no gifts but if you did wish to give something then a contribution their honeymoon would be appreciated. Our preference is to give something small and personalised with the names of the bride and groom and the wedding date and a contribution to the honeymoon in the form of currency for the destination, all of which have been gratefully received.

It took me a while to adjust to this. I grew up giving physical gifts at weddings and although some gave money as well (usually the parents) you would never have talked about that, it was private.

I would say that money gifts started getting more common about 20-25 years ago in the UK. At first I was shocked and thought it was tacky, but I’m now a total convert. I probably don’t give as much as some others, but I usually give £50 and sometimes a bottle of champagne as well if the people are very close, and I give it with joy and have fun at the wedding. I know they will do something good with it and I like hearing about the honeymoon.

I would give them money.

I hate this too, but it's incredibly common, and has been for years.
For a wedding this summer, I gave a very generous cash gift (as that's what they wanted), but also a small inexpensive gift based on photos of the groom as a child. That made it so much more personal, and was fun for me and for the couple.

I don't mind at all. Much easier to bung some money in an envelope. Most people marrying now already live together and have no need for toasters and cutlery and so on so the honeymoon donations request is really common. The amount of shite (sorry, that's ungrateful, but it was) we got for our wedding that we never used and got donated or binned makes me wish the honeymoon donations thing was around back then.

I think asking for donations to a honeymoon just sounds wrong because, let's face it, they have already booked the honeymoon so would still go even if they received nothing! It's more honest just to ask for the cash, without justifying it.
Actually, if a couple has everything they need (and most do), it make more sense to ask for donations to a chosen charity, and then everyone will feel good about it.

You could spend £15 on something that goes straight in the bin/charity shop or donate £15 to their honeymoon to get them a few drinks.

Doing the former when they’ve asked for the latter makes this purely about yourself. They’re not asking for specific amounts, just whatever you might spend on a gift to go to their honeymoon.

Have you been living under a rock op? This is what most people do these days

Why is it rude? If they don’t need ‘stuff’ , would you rather give them nothing, than contribute to their honeymoon? That would be beyond rude.
Most weddings we’ve been to recently have been the same.

Where I’m from giving less than they will spend on you is seen as rude . What’s the issue with giving money ? Most people already have a home set up

So you would rather give them something they probably don't want rather than what they would actually like? I feel like ignoring someone's request is a bit rude really.

I refuse to give cash. One couple I know did do a list of activities they wished to do on honeymoon, jet ski, wine tasting etc and you could purchase those, another asked for cash but also did a list of other stuff as they accepted not everyone would want to give cash. For others who have requested cash I just give John Lewis vouchers

The thing is, most people live together before they get married. So a toaster, pots & pans, towel sets etc. they’re just not needed. If you would prefer to buy them something that is unwanted or won’t get used, then stick to your idea of tradition and find a gift.
But I always think if someone lets you know what they value as important to them and they’ll enjoy, then surely you’d want them to have that instead.

I would hate to receive a dust trap ornament. I think they are very personal and would never buy one for someone unless I knew that it was something they wanted.

Most people will say you are being unreasonable.

It is significant move from helping set up home which most people have already done by the time they marry.

I agree though, it’s rude. I went to wedding a few years ago where the bank details were clearly placed near the bar for guests to donate to their honeymoon. Now that was bad enough but then it turned out they went on two honeymoons, one paid for us muggy guests and one paid for by the parents. This was not a lavish wedding. Village hall, buffet, and found out later, the “real” wedding happened the week before. This was just a party.

How is a John Lewis voucher any different from cash though? Apart from it is less useful because they can only spend it where you have decided they should

I only came to the thread to see how many people said they never give less than£200 or something equally ridiculous.
As for ornaments... who wants those?
And I can't remember the last time i shopped in John Lewis.

Give them money for their honeymoon. It’s a lovely idea. So much better than having 16,000 bath towels you don’t need.

Dh and I didn’t live together until just before we got married and I lived abroad, so pretty much sold or gave away everything I owned before marriage and flew to the UK with 2 suitcases and a wedding dress. We had nothing. We genuinely needed pots and cutlery and towels, and 17 years later, we still use most of it.

But most people today get married after living independently for 10+ years and probably living with each other for a number of years too. They don’t need more stuff. None of us need more stuff. But the opportunity to travel and have some lovely experiences as a couple is a wonderful gift. Don’t be such a numpty about it.

I agree.
A bit different, but one wedding I went to, the brides mum spent months hand painting these little shot glasses with flowers, wedding date and initials of the bride and groom. She is very good at painting and they were pretty, but nobody wants a shot glass with someone elses details on. She was upset as a large number were left on the tables at the end of the day. I took mine home, but bunged it a year later. Just too personal.

I'm with you OP. After living together in our own bought house for 5 years before marriage and thinking it was cheeky to ask for money, we were exceptionally pleased with the 8 mantle clocks we received. Especially as we only had one mantle.😂😂* *though we still do have all of them 28 years later and with some of the gifters no longer with us, it's quite nice to have them now.

And our honeymoon definitely cost us more than we received in cash gifts. I mean she's lovely and we wouldn't have it amy other way, but she hasn't come cheap 😁

Echoing what other posters have said. Most couples live together and have cutlery/plates and all the items they need for their house. We asked for John Lewis vouchers for household things and spent them on washing machine/fridge when we bought our house. I'd have preferred money to give more flexibility but it seemed rude to ask directly for that.

I'd have hated and had no use for kitchen gifts /bedding that weren't our style and that were duplicates of what we already had.

And what if there is no JL anywhere near the wedding couple?
I don't understand why people go out of their way to give people something they don't want.
Why do that @Vaxtable

I think it's quite common, particularly when people get married later. They don't need help "setting up in life" when they already live together, bought furniture and have jobs.

It's also much easier for everyone, guests don't have to chose something from a list, and the married couple don't have to pretend they need 5 toasters.

However, whilst we only had a donation box for our wedding, some guests choose to give something else and we were very happy with that too.

Agree, I remember giving honeymoon money for some friends getting married around the same time as us, over 20 years ago. It was really nice. They had been living together for ages so already had most household things they needed. We had been living together but VERY studenty so we did ask for mostly gifts, but it is a waste to do that if they’re not needed.

You can give a different gift if you would prefer to - totally up to you. We had a few “off list” things from people that we loved. It depends how well you know them and what they need. Are they setting up a new life together? Do you know what they need? I’d have thought they’d have asked for what they actually preferred.