Wedding gift. What would you do?

[SunnyPlumOrca]

Need your thoughts.
We have been invited to a wedding but instead of giving a gift the bride and groom have asked for donations to their honeymoon.
We have never heard of this before and it strikes us as being very rude.
A wedding gift is usually a gift to help in the set up of their new life together, not to help go on holiday.
The wedding itself sounds as if it is a lavish affair and is going to be costly anyway for guests.
Am I being unreasonable to give them a gift that I want to give

So you don't think anyone getting married these days should get a gift? It's very unlikely that anyone getting married isn't already living together.

I wouldn’t be attending wedding of people I didn’t know well in which case I would make a handmade gift. I’ve done this on several occasions and the recipients have been thrilled

i prefer to just give money or a voucher than a gift, saves thinking about what to buy

Have you been living under a stone, have you never read wedding gift posts on mumsnet. we're you planning on a charity shop gift. Give what they asked for or nothing. It's totally normal. DD is getting married and has made it clear than no gifts other than their presence is requested but that if they do wish to give a gift that a cash gift towards their honeymoon would be b appreciated.
He auntie hadn't been to a wedding for many years and finds it slightly uncomfortable. I think she's going to give £200 and a couple of LSA champagne flutes which we know she really likes

oh I think a registry is tacky too, maybe even more so! It’s purely cultural I imagine - asking for any gift is considered rude I would say, but in some cultures it’s acceptable. You ask the person close to them and always give a gift receipt if you don’t gift money.

Why don’t you just give them what they actually want? If they wanted cinema tickets/balloon rides/a life subscription to the National Trust they’d have asked for it.

I asked for money for a headboard I wanted from M&S!

I really don't see the difference to be honest. Presumably when you ask the person closest to them, this person would then ask the bride and groom or reel off from a list they had been given prior to you asking?

The asking directly from the couple whether it's for gifts or from a registry just cuts out the middleman?

I don't mind this at all.

someone gave us currency for our honeymoon destination with a "have a cocktail on us to celebrate" it was great!

This is the norm these days. Give em 50 quid.

I think it’s fine and very common now as long as guests aren’t expected to spend more than they would have on a gift. I heard an anecdote where a greedy groom admitted that he hoped people would feel pressure to give more if it was a request for cash.

Personally if it’s costing you a lot to attend then I feel just getting them a nice bottle of wine/fizzy is enough

Because I often can’t afford £50 and any less looks tight so always thought something they might get something out of and maybe didn’t think of themselves was nicer. When I’ve been able I’ve gone and got a nice £50 note for the card but I’ve never felt less for not doing so. Until now that is.

I attended a wedding about 20 years ago and that was the request then, so definitely not new!

We donated the amount of money we would have spent on a gift.

When DH and I got married (lived together previously) we requested gift cards for a well known electrical retailer at the time and bought a fridge freezer and a washing machine, which was what was needed at that time. We didn't need more towels or glass ware.

I have replied to this but the reason is that I haven’t always in a position to give £50 and would not feel right giving less. Answers on this thread indicate that’s right to feel that way. So something a bit less that they can have a night out with maybe and wouldn’t have thought of themselves like a date night I believed to be thoughtful. Apparently ive been wrong. I’d never buy a physical thing if they didn’t ask

No that would be tacky too - I mean I’ve asked if a person has ever been to a particular fancy hotel and when they said no but would love to, I gave them a voucher to cover a weekend at said place. For me, that feels different to being handed a list of things that the person wants! But typically I would give money anyway, unless I knew the person well enough to ascertain if the wedding gift was going to be appreciated or not. Obviously if i get handed a registry list, I adhere to it , but if I don’t, I probably gift more because I feel the person actually wants me there for me rather than what I’m bringing! Not a rule, just generally puts in more in a transactional mode in the former. For my own wedding, we never mentioned gifts, I’m getting second hand embarrassment thinking of sending a invite telling people what to gift ( but I appreciate every culture is different)

I’ve replied to this question above. It’s about affordability and still wanting to honour the principle of not buying things

It’s very normal to do this nowadays.
presumably they live together so don’t need household items, times have changed.

Am I being unreasonable to give them a gift that I want to give?

what gift do you want to give? Do you not realise gift giving is meant to be about what the recipient wants to receive, not what the giver wants to give? If you want to spend your money on something they don’t want/won’t use, go for it. But what’s the point? Why not just give them what they want/need? Money to the same value of the gift you’d want to buy.

why would anyone want to spend money and give a gift that the couple does not like or want? What an utterly bizarre and twisted gesture?

Ah, that makes sense. I was assuming cinema or restaurant for two would be quite pricey itself. There really shouldn’t be a feeling that there’s a minimum amount, but I get that it feels like that.

It's not unusual but have also been in this situation where I as a single person...can't afford to go on holiday but am spending hundreds and hundreds to go to hen dos and weddings across the UK to attending friends weddings, where people then want me to pay for bits on their holiday. I gave them a card and my best wishes. Sorry, not all made of money.

It’s been like this for over 30 years, no idea why you have never encountered this before. People don’t want a house full of tat.

I’d just give the money that you’d spend on a gift, it makes it easier anyway. It seems pointless to me to cause yourself the effort of buying and wrapping a gift when it goes against what they’ve asked for, but if you want to, it’s not like they can stop you.

It is the norm to suggest that these days because people usually live together and have their lives set up before they get married. If you want to get them something different I'm sure they will be fine with it.

Whatever you would spend on a gift, put cash in a card. It’s really easy and been common for years. I was married over 20 years ago and cash gifts were common.