Wedding gift. What would you do?

[SunnyPlumOrca]

Need your thoughts.
We have been invited to a wedding but instead of giving a gift the bride and groom have asked for donations to their honeymoon.
We have never heard of this before and it strikes us as being very rude.
A wedding gift is usually a gift to help in the set up of their new life together, not to help go on holiday.
The wedding itself sounds as if it is a lavish affair and is going to be costly anyway for guests.
Am I being unreasonable to give them a gift that I want to give

A gift is something that the recipient should enjoy!

Have you not been to a wedding for a long while? This is really common. I’d much rather this than a set of towels that will never get used.

I call reverse.

Where have you been that you've never heard of this before? It's not remotely unusual or novel, it's been a version of standard practice for years.

You can either gift them what they have requested, ie donate to the honeymoon fund, or you can give them something they haven't requested and risk annoying the hell out of them as they don't want a second toaster or towel bale that doesn't go with their bathroom or your particular taste in pictures.

Asking for money is in no way grabbier than asking for specific items on a gift list with John Lewis or whoever. Either go and give as they've requested with good grace or just don't go.

I got married 36 years ago and we did this because we had already set up home. It is one of my loveliest memories and I am so grateful to everyone who contributed and made it possible for us to have a honeymoon.

Totally normally. Most couples live together before getting married, they don't need household gifts to help set them up for life, it's a very dated concept. Have you not attended a wedding in years?

Of course you don't need to oblige and can buy a gift of your choice, but you will be in the minority for going against their wishes.

Very normal for the weddings I’ve been to certainly in the last 15 years at least.
I’d rather give money, they can put it towards what they want. If you don’t want to give money then just go with a card and a nice message inside, I wouldn’t choose something random personally.

Every wedding I’ve been to as an adult has been the same , as was mine - I was almost 40 had my own home and everything that entailed. We did get a couple of photo frames and a decorative Mr & Mrs but that was alongside a cash gift we used for honeymoon and to buy our beloved patterdale terrier after the wedding

I think that for weddings, guests will want to get a gift for the bride and groom. I certainly always do. DH and I had lived together for a while before we got married and didn’t need anything. Knowing our friends and family would want to get something we put that we didn’t expect or need anything but if they wanted to give something then we were going on honeymoon.

I prefer giving cash for weddings as it means I don’t have to think about what gift to get.

I think it is rude to outright ask for cash, I think it needs to be worded carefully so it clear it is completely optional.

Most of our guests gave cash, some didn’t gift anything, some gave actual gifts. One of my favourites was pick and mix sweets. I had the best day and it really wasn’t about the money.

I honestly preferred to have written what we did and no one give anything than end up with 30 sets of Mr and Mrs mugs that we couldn’t practically ever keep/use which I think unless you say you don’t need gifts is a potential outcome!

i think it is very normal these days. I think it is ruder to send a gift registry as that obligated guests more and the items are usually expensive and I wouldn’t want to put that kind of pressure on friends or family

ha ha ha we had a gift wrapped up that I thought was a cuckoo clock except it was a fondue set that was definitely not on the list… neither was a cuckoo clock ! 🤣🤣

Most people will give money if asked to so you do what you want. We didn’t ask for anything (general opinion that referring to presents or gift lists is a bit tacky, sorry) but we did tell close family that if asked we would prefer money towards the honeymoon.

We did get a few household bits that we loved like a set of nice denby mugs and some glasses (always handy). So basically do what you want.

In a way, it's more considerate than a gift list. If only expensive things are left, that might leave people spending more than they wanted to. At least with a donation towards honeymoon, you decide how much you feel happy to give. I wouldn't feel offended by this, and it is very standard now. I've been married 16 years and it was pretty normal then.

A wedding gift is usually a gift to help in the set up of their new life together

Traditionally maybe, but not for a while. I assume this couple already live together? They don’t need a toaster and some salt and pepper shakers.
I don’t really see the difference between spending £50 on some household appliance vs just giving them £50. I’m 33 and I don’t think I have ever given a physical wedding gift.

I find it grating too, and very transactional. I also don’t like that it’s then obvious exactly how much you have contributed. Whereas with a physical gift it’s much less obvious; you might have bought a really expensive vase or a cheaper one.

I think it puts pressure on guests to contribute more than they might have spent on a physical gift, so as to not look tight!

Yep, normal. I think probably I first encountered it at least 15 years ago.

But why? They've chosen the experience they would like contributions towards.

Never heard of this before? People have been doing this for years. Would you rather buy a bundle of towels or a plate set when they have plenty? Strikes me as odd people seem to insist on buying an actual gift and anything else is rude. I’d be more than happy to transfer some money towards their honeymoon.

Well that's perfect... you can give them a gift experience of a honeymoon! Not don't random thing you deem is the "right experience" 😏

I've not heard of this but then rarely go to weddings these days.

When we got married the people who didn't want to buy from the wedding list got us ornaments / vases/ something hand crafted . I've still got all of them bar the one piece that broke.

Could you get that sort of thing instead ?

You bought a dog with your wedding money ? I love that .

Why though? Why give them something they haven't asked for and don't want???
Do you not like these people?

It doesn’t sound like you really want to go to the wedding, you seem a little put out that it sounds like a lavish affair. It’s their wedding, and if they would like money towards their honeymoon then that’s up to them. Why would you waste your money on buying a present they probably wouldn’t use? You could just decline the wedding invitation and save any expense.

We have never heard of this before and it strikes us as being very rude.

First time on mn too?

It's normal now and I don't think it's any ruder than a gift registry... either way you are asking for something specific.

If you don't want to give cash, how about a bottle of champagne to be opened at a future special occasion (maybe their first anniversary?).

Wow, it sounds like MN has finally caught up with common sense.

Where is the army of posters that usually weigh in on wedding gift threads who say they will give the bride and groom 'a nice photo frame' as a demonstration of their disdain towards the honeymoon donation request?