To have lost my shit with my 13 year old DD

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DD 13 has been caught vaping in school. She has been using money that we give her as pocket money to buy vapes. She’s also been lying to us.

I lost my shit a bit- am so angry that she’s using money that DP and I work hard to earn and then using it to buy vapes and getting someone to buy them for her. What’s worse is that she was taking cash out in a cash machine so we couldn’t tell what she was using it for.

I really shouted at her- i probably didn’t handle it well at all but it’s the lying and using money we gave her for food and town with friends.

She’s hysterically crying and making me now feel bad for shouting. Urgh- I know it’s bad to shout but it’s just made me so cross. I just saw red.

Please give me some better strategies!

Shouting doesn't do anything to help, you know that, so next time you feel so angry remove yourself and tell her you need to think about this because you feel so disappointed and her behaviour has upset you too much to think properly.

She's crying because she got caught doing something she knows is wrong. You are right to be angry, vaping is awful and so bad for their health at this age.

She is learning that nice reasonable mum has a breaking point

YANBU vaping is absolutely unacceptable - I’d rather my kid smoked cigarettes in all honesty. I’d be livid! And I can’t remember a time I’ve been livid before as a parent…

Yes, you are right to pull her up on it, but "losing your shit" is not productive.

I know. I handled it so badly. I just saw red as the whole thing made me furious.

I am letting us both calm down and will speak to her again.

Remember though that her hysterically crying is a natural consequence of her actions. It’s not a bad thing!

Adolescents experiment with vapes. It’s kind of inevitable. I don’t think it merits losing your shit. Have a calm.open conversation. No shouting. No ultimatum. I think this isn’t worth too much agg. It’s an inevitable teen dalliance

Yeah i walked away from ds last night he drove me mad to the point i walked away and had to breathe deep before going back in

This isn’t an excuse but it’s also day 1 of my period so am not feeling very reasonable. Urgh.

Also agree that it’s a bloody good lesson to experience you going mad.
She has crossed more than one line and there are consequences.
She will see that this has made you emotionally react, if she has a conscience she will be feeling guilty for behaving so bloody terribly.
Its not like you lose your shit daily is it?

Nce calmer, what’s your plan?

Let her sit with it for a bit and don't let everyone one on here make you feel evil for shouting. Sometimes shouting as a one off response hammers home how serious it is. Obviously a different matter if you shout at your kids all day long. She's not crying because she's scared of you, she's just feeling sorry for herself for getting caught. If youd opted for some wanky gentle parenting then she will just feel she's got away with it and be emboldened. Now you've calmed down a bit put some consequences in place such as addional chores to pay you back and then show her some research on just how bad vaping and smoking are for her.

It won't kill her to see an authentic reaction from you. Tbh my mum lost her shit at me occasionally during my childhood, and because it was so unusual that was always when I knew I'd really crossed the line.

Don't beat yourself up.

Apologise for the way you reacted, but reiterate her choices are not acceptable.

My suggestions would be to not give her money directly for a while. She can take a packed lunch or go hungry.

Its upsetting when your child does something like this, I know, but don't get emotionally wrapped up in it. I eventually learned to take a step back and keep my emotions out of it, it made for more reasoned reactions and consequences.

I'd have lost my shit too. I think sometimes they have to see and hear that they have pushed you to your limit. You did nothing wrong, you were in the right to take a hardline approach.

You've only shouted at her ! My ds at that age would be grounded and no longer in receipt of pocket money.

Hopefully the stupid child will now think twice before wasting money on such rubbish

I'd be shouting too tbh as would many many parents.

Shouting as you know doesn't work however you aren't unreasonable to loose your shit at her.
I'd be stopping all pocket money for the foreseeable as she cannot be trusted to use it appropriately.
She needs to earn your trust back.

That being said, I'd try and approach her now in a calmer manner to explain you love her but you're so upset for all the obvious reasons and set out the consequences of her behaviour which she needs to suck up and end it with a reminder that you love her and a hug.

Apologise for the way you reacted

Would that be before or after the DD apologises for her actions?

Sometimes shouting is completely justified.

She's been lying, scheming and vaping. Of course you lost your shit.

OP give yourself a break. We all know shouting isn’t ideal but you’re human. It’s normal to get angry sometimes. The fact she’s upset is cos she’s shocked by your reaction which means it’s unusual for you to behave that way. Sometimes a shock is good to get them thinking. Just follow up when you’re calm to hammer home the points about health and lying

I think your anger and shouting was a perfect response to the seriousness of the situation, assuming you never usually react this way. It will make her see that her actions were so very worrying to you, hence your emotional reaction. Allow some time for you to calm down and then plan what happens next. Is she addicted? Does she need help to stop vaping? Why did she try it in the first place? How can she avoid making other mistakes in the future? What consequence will there be for her poor choice from you? Once you are calm and have decided what happens next, talk to her calmly.

Generally speaking shouting over every mistake isn’t a good thing but I don’t think it’s that bad on this occasion for all the reasons you’ve already stated. I’d be pissed too and the shock of your reaction might just hit home.

I spectacularly lost it with DS as an older teen when I found out he had driven his car after a few pints at the pub. He usual leaves it and gets an uber home, He was quite shaken by my reaction but has never even taken his car to the pub since, which frankly makes my reaction worth it. Once I’d calmed down we talked about it properly and I always offer him a lift to the pub if I’m around.

I think you're a human being and you are angry. I think that's ok as long as you calm down, tell her you wish you hadn't lost your temper, talk it through afterwards. Obviously losing one's temper to the extent that you're violent is a total red line but you didn't do that did you, you shouted. Perfectly human reaction. You can now model calming down and putting things right (and certainly have her attention if nothing else).

I think it’s totally fine to shout at her. Sometimes teens need a bit of a shock. You have nothing to feel guilty for.

It is an excuse!! Dont beat yourself up we all lose it from time to time its good that you are reflecting plus she may not do it again now! ✌