To have lost my shit with my 13 year old DD

[Letshaveablackcelebration73]

DD 13 has been caught vaping in school. She has been using money that we give her as pocket money to buy vapes. She’s also been lying to us.

I lost my shit a bit- am so angry that she’s using money that DP and I work hard to earn and then using it to buy vapes and getting someone to buy them for her. What’s worse is that she was taking cash out in a cash machine so we couldn’t tell what she was using it for.

I really shouted at her- i probably didn’t handle it well at all but it’s the lying and using money we gave her for food and town with friends.

She’s hysterically crying and making me now feel bad for shouting. Urgh- I know it’s bad to shout but it’s just made me so cross. I just saw red.

Please give me some better strategies!

I think shouting at her when you don’t usually is the best thing you could have done!

I would have shouted and wouldn’t regret it.

Actions have consequences and it’s so rare I should that DD would know it’s some serious shit.

I consider it a big issue on many levels. Vapes are really dangerous.

It's really not the end of the world to shout at your kids occasionally, when they've done something wrong.

Vaping at 13 is so dangerous and the deceit is another thing entirely. You don't have to apologise to her for losing your shit - that was a natural reaction from you and a consequence for her. I agree to give yourself and her time to calm down but I would tell her that she has seriously overstepped the mark hence your reaction. She is hysterical because she knows that she is in big trouble.
Honestly, don't beat yourself up about it.

Sometimes children need to know that parents have a breaking point. Deal with it calmly but firmly from here on in.

I agree with this. Might make her realise it's serious.
Ignore the cool mums who never raise their voice.

I’d be gutted if my child was vaping at 13. The only time my dad got really angry with me was for getting caught doing something I knew I shouldn’t be doing at the same age. Can still remember the upset on his face. Was the shock I needed. I lost all the privileges I’d had previously but I never did it again or got in any more trouble. Sometimes you have to see the raw emotions from your parents and have a shock to the system to sort it out!! I cannot imagine the damage vaping is doing to a 13 year old!

@Fluffypotatoe123987all 13 year old kids vape? Really?! And she didn’t tell her…. She got caught!! It’s a bit different!!

You did exactly the right thing.

She needs to learn a lesson.

Shouting at her is not going to kill her.

Your reaction is totally understandable and I’d react the same way, and in not a shouty person.

I’d take a serious look at the school, her social group and what she’s accessing on social media. Humans are the sum of the 5 people they are around most- for teenagers this is often friends.

Yes, me too. I genuinely almost never shout, which means the DCs (teen & preteen) are shocked when I do and tend to 'sober up' and grasp the seriousness of the situation. So it quite possibly won't do her any harm! Sometimes they need to realise the impact their behaviour has on others, plus it isn't realistic to expect parents to channel Mr Spock 24/7.

They sometimes need a shock. Seeing your parents lose it every now and then is a normal part of growing up. It's good to parent calmly and gently like 95% of the time. Sometimes it's also good to lose your rag and be mega strict!

Well it wasn’t that long ago that parents would have given their children a clout quite freely for less, but things move on. I don’t think parents occasionally losing their temper in this way is that bad. We’re all human and all of us act in a way that’s probably not ideal in one form or another. I actually wouldn’t apologise myself but I’d attempt to talk about it calmly over the weekend. I’d be seriously disappointed if my DD13 was vaping. ( and no I don’t believe they all do it)

Even if shouting wasn’t ideal, it is important that she knows how disappointed and angry you are. She does not get to turn this around and become the victim.
Her lying and vaping are not equivalent to you shouting. If she thinks she’s adult enough to vape, then she should be adult enough to withstand a shouty telling off.
She’s crying because she’s in trouble not because you’re a hateful mother who bullies her and don’t let her make you feel otherwise.

People saying that shouting doesn't work, it does though if it's used for serious things and not a constant stream of shouting for every little thing. The fact Ops daughter has reacted in such a way means she's realised how much she's fucked up and hopefully won't dare do it again. I always remember being so scared to start smoking because I knew what my parents reaction would be, even with the heaviest of peer pressure I never gave in purely because of that.

Yes I was just going to say this. As a teenage girl I cried hysterically every time something didn’t go my way so I wouldn’t worry too much about that. My parents ignored it and I grew up just fine 😛

is she your oldest? I freaked out when my oldest was 13 over something he did. Five years on I think it was a total over reaction but every day is a school day!! We’re all learning to be parents.
is this the first time you’ve encountered this sort of stuff. I think it’s a usual first reaction and you get better at handling it as time goes on.

Lying is dead normal too. I hate my kids lying but really it’s total double standards as I lied to my parents even as a 50 yr old. My husband handles lying much better than me.

I don't personally think shouting at someone is the best way of dealing with things, but understand you were upset and angry in the moment. I've had issues with that in the past and personally now if I am angry, I aks to remove myself for a few ins to get composed THEN talk about it. It's far to easy to say things in anger you later regret and can't take back.

Granted if you're not normally a shouty person it probably would have shocked her enough to get home the message though and she probably won't be in any rush to elicit that reaction again.

But going forward id probably recommend trying to have a conversation. By all means tell her you're angry, tell her you're disappointed, tell her she's broken the law, tell her there WILL be consequences, tell her the health risks. But do it in a conversation not an angry confrontation.

That said don't also do the opposite which is what my my mum used to do which was given me the silent treatment. Because that definitely never resolved anything. I think back to all the issues we had and think if we had just sat down and had an ACTUAL conversation it might have been more effective and I would have opened up to her more.

Yeah ok, you shouted. It’s really not a big deal. At the end of the day, you lost your rag which is something every parent will do at some point before their child turns 18. I think it’s best to get it over with and move on from the situation. She knows you’re not happy with this, and she also needs time to feel her emotions to being caught out. It will blow over, just don’t hold it over her head going forward. The only thing I would say is that her allowance should be removed for now until you can trust she will spend it reasonably…vapes are one thing, but if she’s willing to spend on that then she might be willing to spend on much worse.

The trouble with shouting at a teenager, I think, is that it just drives their behaviour underground. Kids don't stop doing stuff because their parents disapprove, they just learn to hide it better.

There is little that I would shout at my daughter for, and vaping, or indeed any substance use, actually wouldn't be on my list. Because i'd rather she be open and honest with me about it, so we could productively discuss it. In your situation I'd want to know, for example, if she actually likes vaping, or just feels pressured into it by friends.

I know that my similar age daughter has drunk alcohol a couple of times (not a dangerous amount, but not half a shandy either) with friends. I know this because she knows I won't lose my shit over it, so she told me. And we had a good talk about it, the possible dangers of drubkenss, ways to drink more safely, ways to not feel pressured to drink (she actually doesn't like it that much, it was in a social context both times and there was some pressure). I didn't make her promise to never drink again, because I don't think she'd necessarily keep that promise. I did make her promise to be careful what drinks she accepts, to stop before she even approaches intoxication, and to trust me enough to make an excuse and call me if a situation with drink (or drugs come to that) feels remotely unsafe to her. Promises I genuinely believe she WILL keep.

Every kid is different, and I actually think I just got lucky with mine. I am in no way claiming to be a great parent or have all the answers. But our honesty policy is one thing I feel I did get right.

(And for the record, I HATE the thought of her drinking, probably more than most parents would. But I hate the thought of her feeling unsafe and being unable to tell me what is going on, much more).

The only things I would actually lose my shit with her over, would be if I found out she had done something unkind or even cruel, to a human or an animal. Fortunately that hasn't happened yet and I hope it doesn't.

Good luck OP. No judgement here by the way. Raising kids is a bloody minefield.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. She’s crying because she knows she’s in the wrong and she’s been caught. She’ll survive, a thoroughly deserved telling off will do her no harm.

Don’t be manipulated into apologising.

100% this!

This, this, this

Vaping is chavvy though. Grim.

💯

And daughter needs to apologize.