To have lost my shit with my 13 year old DD

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DD 13 has been caught vaping in school. She has been using money that we give her as pocket money to buy vapes. She’s also been lying to us.

I lost my shit a bit- am so angry that she’s using money that DP and I work hard to earn and then using it to buy vapes and getting someone to buy them for her. What’s worse is that she was taking cash out in a cash machine so we couldn’t tell what she was using it for.

I really shouted at her- i probably didn’t handle it well at all but it’s the lying and using money we gave her for food and town with friends.

She’s hysterically crying and making me now feel bad for shouting. Urgh- I know it’s bad to shout but it’s just made me so cross. I just saw red.

Please give me some better strategies!

Honestly you are entirely right. Of course you should shout at her. She’s done something illegal, bad for her health and bloody well lied about it!!
All of these people saying “calm down, apologise to her, shouting is bad” are the people who defend their arsehole children when they’re terrorising the town!

You handled it badly but it’s done now.

When we found them Dd was 14 and by luck was away on a sleepover. We had an evening with a group of older and wiser parents of teens who put it into perspective. We would have gone in shouting and yelling like you (and our parents would have) but after talking to them we didn’t.

We sat her down said it was really rubbish thing to do unhealthy stupid and chavvy. We said we were disappointed as we gave her money and freedom and this what she did. She agreed felt bad and apologised. She stopped vaping (evidenced by other parents and dd1). Then when a really bad thing happened she was able to come to us as we hadn’t trashed the relationship by being too authoritarian.

I dont think it is bad she saw you lose your shit. She needs to see how serious this is. It is not healthy to shield children from anger completely - better to show her how you handle it as an adult, even when it is very very strong.

I think that shouting in this situation is fine actually. She's used your money to put her health at risk and been caught and is going to use your reaction to try and change the narrative. There now needs to be a calm conversation, but you know that. Don't apologise!

Honestly do not beat yourself up.
Losing your shit about something that it
Harmful
Illegal
Deceitful
shows said teen that you really mean it about things that are important.
Now you have done so, work out the consequences, stick to it and never mention it again.

I don't think it hurts children to know that their parents are human too. People do lose their shit sometimes. She's learned a lesson that you can't always push and push that button. And this was about something that will affect her health, so very important.

Chavvy?
So one of the things you're most upset about is that she looked too working class? 🙄

Do you know who has been buying them for her? I’d be worried about who she is associating with. I know it sounds dramatic but it often starts with low level behaviour and then escalates to alcohol, drugs etc if they can get access.

I also wouldn’t apologise for the shouting or rush to make her feel better. Let her feel the consequences and feel too scared to do it again! Oh and make sure she has real consequences. A stop to pocket money. Reducing her freedom outside of school. Honestly coming down hard now will be worth it longer term.

Also in certain groups they all vape. When dd2 stopped she said she was the weird odd one out and said “it’s like if you gave up coffee or wine with your friends mum”

Posting on AIBU about losing your shit is never going to make you feel better, because so many posters will pile in saying you are an awful person for shouting.
For what it's worth, I don't think it does any harm for our dc to see that there's a line that they don't cross and that you are human.
When things have calmed down, apologise for shouting, explain why you are so angry, put sanctions in place and find a way forward.

Calling things ‘chavvy’ is soooo much better parenting than shouting as a one off. Definitely, well done.

People sometimes lose their shit and you had good reason to.

A measured chat about the evils of vaping, may not have had quite the same impact.

This!
Once or twice I lost it with my kid. My mum and dad lost it once or twice with me.
It’s called being a parent. Theres not enough parenting these days.
Dont feel bad. She’ll get over it. None of us are infallible!

Meh, you’re human and you were angry with her. Sounds like she doesn’t need the money you give her, not for a while anyway.

What's wrong with shouting at her for doing something so bad?

How are our kids ever meant to learn if we are calm, controlled and, frankly, slightly inhuman with no-one showing real emotions to them being badly behaved?

Then she needs to get different friends.

For me, vaping/smoking is as serious as it gets without committing a crime. So if you usually speak to her calmly about minor indiscretions like clothes on the floor, cups in her room etc then I think you going up to 11 on this might be the short sharp shock that she needs. If you rant at her for everything (which it sounds like you don't) then you'd maybe BU as it wouldn't have the same impact. Lots of teenagers make mistakes but some are more severe than others.

I would make her spend her weekend doing a 15 page power point presentation on the dangers of vaping, including photos of what it does to your insides and brain development etc.

Obviously she will no longer get lunch money, she can take a packed lunch every day that she has to make the night before and ground her for a while.

She broke your trust and now she needs to earn it back.

Well i’d be expected to be shouted at, as would most kids. Don’t let her turn it on you, she is the one lying. I’d be pulling the pocket money for sure - straight into savings for a while until she can be trusted.

You had a totally normal reaction - please don't beat yourself up over it!

What she did was stupid and very bad for her health, you were shocked and reacted strongly. You didn't make her cry by shouting, you made her cry by catching her out! Don't let the focus change to apologising to her and comforting her - focus on her not doing this again, and some consequences.

I'm totally against agressive parenting, but I would definately have shouted if I found my DS was buying vapes - at 13, or now at 20!

If my mum new half what i did at 14-15-16 she would have killed me.
But then again i couldnt go to her for anything all she did was shout moan and throw a fit and make it all about her.

Actually, as a parent where you obviously don't lose your shit normally, you seeing red may be the shock she needed. So it may just well have an upside? Sometimes it can take a shock to realise mum may have a point.. good luck.

Yeah, it’s hard isn’t it.

FWIW, I rather despised my mother’s shouting and learned that once she had reacted like that I was out of the woods and it would soon be forgotten.

respected DF’s much more measured but determined and never forgotten til I had made whatever amends he had set out approach.

as an adult I’m sorry that I had such a low opinion of my mother but also recognise that she just wasn’t as determined as my father.

good luck in finding the way that works for your daughter.

No need to worry, I would hit the roof with mine if he’d done this. Both of mine have received massive bollockings occasionally - I regard it as the extreme measure that needs to be deployed occasionally.

And the money stops for a while and she needs to know if there is ever any vape buying again it will stop for a very long time.

Stop giving her pocket money. She can’t be trusted