To have lost my shit with my 13 year old DD

[Letshaveablackcelebration73]

DD 13 has been caught vaping in school. She has been using money that we give her as pocket money to buy vapes. She’s also been lying to us.

I lost my shit a bit- am so angry that she’s using money that DP and I work hard to earn and then using it to buy vapes and getting someone to buy them for her. What’s worse is that she was taking cash out in a cash machine so we couldn’t tell what she was using it for.

I really shouted at her- i probably didn’t handle it well at all but it’s the lying and using money we gave her for food and town with friends.

She’s hysterically crying and making me now feel bad for shouting. Urgh- I know it’s bad to shout but it’s just made me so cross. I just saw red.

Please give me some better strategies!

My starting point would be:

• Working out how much she's at fault. If somebody older has been offering to buy are they trying to groom her? Or is this just teenagers being teenagers.
• Contacting your local stop smoking service together - if she's addicted they can help her with nicotine replacement stuff and also talk about the risks of vapes - it's probably good for her to hear that from somebody else as well as you.
• Maybe contacting Trading Standards re the shop - are they known for selling inappropriately?
• Unless your budget is very tight she needs some money to spend as she wishes without engaging your resentment at it being wasted. Maybe not a lot of money but some. And ideally enough that a vape doesn't feel appealing on say two weeks money with other items she wants feeling too far away.
• If she wants more money she could consider paper rounds and some other work when she's a bit older.
• Think about her eating - is vaping the new smoking so food doesn't taste of anything so you eat less? Is what's on offer at school for lunch reasonable? Are the school's arrangements reasonable re queues / time to eat / bullying? Would a packed lunch work better?

I have no issue with what you did OP. I am not a shouty parent, it has an effect on the very rare occasions I‘ve lost my shit. I will not apologise for a strong emotional reaction to lying and illegal vaping.

Just asked DD15 for advice on this.

She said that losing it and shouting is perfectly fine, DD was doing something she shouldn't have been doing and knows it, plus is upset she's disappointed her parents - hence the crying.

However, she also recommends apologising for shouting but explain why you did, and she agreed about having a calmer, rational conversation about the loss of trust and dangers of vaping. This would also include the consequence of a lack of money because she has shown she can't be trusted to spend it appropriately.

She also said not to become a helicopter parent or she'll just hide things better next time.

Good luck with all that - DD15 is giving sensible advice now, but I can bet she'd be a bugger to deal with if it had been her 😂

Lose your shit. It served her right.

A few weeks ago, as I was sat waiting for a tram, I heard the very, very loud gasping sound coming from a young man who was vaping.

With every single breath he was fighting for oxygen but not getting enough hence the loud snd fast noises his lungs were making.......I was sitting a few feet distance away from him.

It was absalutely horrendous to hear, I really hope you tell your DD, this could be her one day if she carries on vaping.

Yep.

Teenagers are meant to sneak around behind your back and do stupid shit op. Try and have an open conversation with her when you've calmed down. It's so important to keep dialogue open.

My 14 year old DS has vaped. I spoke to him calmly about it and reminded him that his DF died from a blood clot in his lung caused by smoking. I also told him that it was a stupid thing to do. Yelling will probably make her double down.

You were absolutely right. No wonder "youth of today" are entitled t&£!s when excused at everything by majority of hoik bosom brigade - diddums. You know how to parent your child.

My thought too.

Yeah I’m sure you’ll be given a face to face appointment when you explain to the receptionist what you want to see the doctor about 🙄

I am NOT a shouty parent but I would also have lost my shit about this.