To have lost my shit with my 13 year old DD

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DD 13 has been caught vaping in school. She has been using money that we give her as pocket money to buy vapes. She’s also been lying to us.

I lost my shit a bit- am so angry that she’s using money that DP and I work hard to earn and then using it to buy vapes and getting someone to buy them for her. What’s worse is that she was taking cash out in a cash machine so we couldn’t tell what she was using it for.

I really shouted at her- i probably didn’t handle it well at all but it’s the lying and using money we gave her for food and town with friends.

She’s hysterically crying and making me now feel bad for shouting. Urgh- I know it’s bad to shout but it’s just made me so cross. I just saw red.

Please give me some better strategies!

I don't think you did anything wrong losing your shit and shouting. It has obviously shocked her and made her think.

I'd ground her for a while and stop her pocket money for the foreseeable future. It might not entirely stop her getting vapes (friends might still bring them into school) but it should still reinforce your stance.

Don't take it personally and talk to her in a kind calm way. When she's calmed down and had some space. See where's she's actually at and how she's feeling instead of focusing on where she needs to be. Where you think she's at mightnt be the case at all. We all do it but shouting at her will probably slow her down more as she will need to emotionally recover and can cause damage if done often enough. When you're calm, see why she isn't able to be where you want her to be. Could be a friend influencing her, a struggle in school, upset over something she can't move on from. Could be worth finding out

Totally agree that you did nothing wrong. I think it was proportional. If she'd been 16 and doing it, maybe an over-reaction, but she's so young. Hopefully this episode nips it in the bud. A chat about 'do you understand why I was so cross?' when everyone is calm, tomorrow, will hopefully be really productive. Don't beat yourself up. You care about her well being and she's been a bit of an idiot

Send her to her room. Let her stew. Tell her you will talk with her tomorrow when you less cross

I would sit down and show her the news stories of young teens with popcorn lung and other health problems from vapes.
They are designed for young people to find rhem appealing. All crazy flavours and bright colours. Its ridiculous.

Although I would have felt bad like you do. I definitely would have shouted at any of my kids if I found out they are using a vape .

Im probably in peri menopause this isn't hormone top trumps its sympathy btw

"Apologise for the way you reacted"

Oh give over. 🙄

As PPs have said OP hopefully the strength of your response will ensure DD realises how many lines she has crossed here. Apologising would just send mixed messages - you're shocked and disappointed and you are right to be.

If you rarely shout it has probably emphasised to her how much her behaviour has upset you.

When you are both calm you can apologise for shouting if you wish, and then tell her what the consequences of her deceitful actions are going to be. I would have discussed and agreed these consequences with DH before speaking with DD.

I think you're fine.

Obviously the text book approach is to sit down and talk about reasons, consequences, feelings. But you're human and your daughter will grow up and be an adult in a world full of humans who will likely not react in a textbook way when she does something wrong.

She's 13 and she's learnt a lesson.

Just try re-group and move forward in a more measured way.

If you don't normally shout then I think it's perfectly ok to lose ia bit n this case.

Your DD won't forget in a hurry. She'll know she messed up big time and will hopefully think twice next time she's tempted to do something silly

Chavvy.

I don't think yoy can be dishing out advice to OP with views like that.

It’s fine to shout, and discipline as you see fit as long as you realise it may not stop her vaping if that’s what she wants to do. You can limit her access to it by not being so free with money but as she grows up and gets more independent you can’t know what she’s doing at all times. She’ll hide it a bit better if that’s what she wants to do.
I have learnt this now that I have 3 grown up dc.
Keep talking to her explain your reasons and listen to her. If you overreact to this and keep it going when something big happens she won’t come to you and that’s where trouble lies. And it doesn’t matter that you think this is big, she won’t think this is a big deal sure everyone’s doing it, it’s not harmful and it’s better than smoking - that’s what they think.

It's fine OP, it won't damage her to have her mum shout at her occasionally! Let things calm down for both of you then have a calm conversation and make sure there are sensible consequences. Teenagers do stupid things and lie about it, it's normal and doesn't mean she'll be a juvenile delinquent!

Vaping is a bit chavvy to be fair.,

Honestly I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Kids need to know when you are absolutely fuming, as long as it’s not all the time! Losing your rag when it’s important is a natural consequence for her, shows you care about her and gives her a very clear line in the sand. I’ve also reacted like that when my daughter has lied to me. As long as you follow up with a conversation with her when you’re both calm is where the repair happens. Parenting is hard and kids need boundaries. And you’ve made yours really clear. Please don’t beat yourself up for it.

They all vape. Strict parents = sneaky teens. Your daughter will tell you nothing now

No. It isn't ineviable. Some teens will be of the type to be easily led, want to give in to peer pressure etc. But it isn't inevitable that all teens will experiment with vapes at all.

As above, no, they don't all vape, don't be silly.

Your daughter broke your trust and made you so angry. She needs to know how angry she made you. I’m glad you shouted at her. She thinks she’s old enough to take your money and spend it on Vapes then she’s definitely old enough to feel your wrath I hope she’s learnt a lesson

Her hysterical crying is because she’s caught out fair and square.

I’ve done the going batshit thing and it’s handy as a one-off shock and awe tactic.

But, DS tells me that I am way scarier when I go low on the reaction. Silent and evident abject disappointment apparently is way more effective.

Actions have consequences. Don’t let her deflect her bad behaviour.

how incredibly condescending

Shouting is not great but she’s not a small child, you can explain to her why you were so angry that you lost control. It might help her understand the gravity of the situation.

dont talk such utter shite

They don’t all vape a good number don’t vape at all but a hell of a lot do. However strict parents does equal sneaky teens. If they want to do something they’ll find a way to do it they won’t be telling the parents what they’re doing. Or do you imagine if you’re strict the teen magically won’t want to do anything. Also strict parents equals resentful teens. You can guide and advise your children, be there for them to talk to