To have lost my shit with my 13 year old DD

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DD 13 has been caught vaping in school. She has been using money that we give her as pocket money to buy vapes. She’s also been lying to us.

I lost my shit a bit- am so angry that she’s using money that DP and I work hard to earn and then using it to buy vapes and getting someone to buy them for her. What’s worse is that she was taking cash out in a cash machine so we couldn’t tell what she was using it for.

I really shouted at her- i probably didn’t handle it well at all but it’s the lying and using money we gave her for food and town with friends.

She’s hysterically crying and making me now feel bad for shouting. Urgh- I know it’s bad to shout but it’s just made me so cross. I just saw red.

Please give me some better strategies!

This . Sometimes losing your shit needs to be done .

This. Vapes have an insane amount of nicotine in them, which is super addictive. It's not just her being naughty. I would speak to your GP. And yes, packed lunches and no cash.

I lost my shit at 15yo DD for smoking. And surprisingly it did work.
She’s 19 now and deeply unimpressed that her BF won’t stop vaping.

Take HER to the GP and have her explain what she’s being doing and that she needs help to stop.

She’ll feel thoroughly embarrassed about it and won’t forget in a hurry.

Don’t be ridiculous. GP isn’t a on-demand chastisement service for vexed parents. What a waste of resources.

Maybe by shouting, she will be scared as it is out of character for you and she will never do it again.

If your 13 year old child has a vaping addiction, medical advice is entirely appropriate!

Shouting wont solve the situation but I definitely dont blame you for shouting and being angry and honestly I think its fine for her to see you shout so she can understand that shes really pushed your limit of tolerance! We are humans we all get angry obviously if she was still really little its a different scenario but shes 13 and needs to know that her actions have emotional consequences for the people around her. You can still talk it out calmly with her and explain how your feeling in a more rational way to resolve the situation.

What a waste of NHS appointments.

Yes I agree with this. I hardly ever shout at my dc, can't say even once a year, it's that infrequent. If I ever do they know they've really crossed the line. My friend shouts as her dc a lot. It has no impact what so ever. At the end of the day your daughter needs to realise what she's been doing is wrong, and bad for her health. You and her can have a sensible chat when you're all feeling a bit calmer.

Only on here do I ever see this sort of response about shouting and how awful the parent should feel and how they must never do this and worse, the need to apologise!!!

She did something wrong, she's been told off for it, quite rightly. She is now upset that she has been told off and caught out, nothing wrong with that, she should feel upset

Has she got a 'vaping addiction'?

The 'medical advice' has been given, by mum - dont do this.

The occasional shout is fine if poor behaviour/choices have crossed a line. Children aren’t permanently damaged by seeing an adult reach their absolute limit very occasionally.

I wouldn't be feeling bad about losing my shit at all in this situation.

There are times in life where losing your shit is valid and I think this is one of them.
She's crying because she got caught lying and doing something illegal.
I rather lose my shit and scare the hell out of her never doing it again than being that 'gentle' parent that the child ignores a few days later.
I think it was good to for her to see that side of you tbh

Ignore the crying, she has displayed unacceptable behaviour that has consequences for her health, she has used money that was meant for other things and she has lied about it. Let her calm down then have a serious talk, and see why it has happened, my guess is she is doing it to fit in with a 'crowd' and it needs to stop now. Don't know if it helps but I used to text my daughter rather than initial confrontation face to face, we both found this easier, u til she had calmed down enough to talk.

People get angry and sometimes people shout. Seriously no big deal. If you really went a bit overboard just talk to her and apologise for that. Anger is a valid emotion just as much as anything else is and we all process it differently.

You don’t need a pile on of posters telling you shouting is awful (and ‘losing your shit’ is such a revolting phrase). You can apologise for this bit when you’re both calm.

I’d be so incredibly disappointed in my child. She’s massively broken your trust as well as done something so stupid and harmful. But we all did stupid things as teenagers, our parents didn’t usually find out.

Lots of rational discussion is due. I’d also flag this up to her school.

I’d also flag this up to her school.

She was caught at school!

So presumably was not where she should have been/doing what she should have been doing, in addition to the vaping itself.

It isn’t bad to shout. Sometimes that makes them realise how cross and concerned you are and hopefully she won’t do it again as she will remember your reaction. Leave her crying and thinking about her actions. Then when you have both calmed down go and talk to her

Ah, sorry. Missed that bit.

You are doing everything a good parent would do in my opinion! Stay firm!! She’s crying because she got caught out!!! If you backtrack now you will have her permanently vaping/smoking for life!!

Vapes are addictive poison, hopefully a good shouting at will make her too scared to do it again. As an adult I'm struggling to keep off them, so don't feel guilty at all. The nicotine is double that of cigarettes to keep you hooked.

They shouldn’t be vaping, but you have allowed the behaviour hence why you are so angry and instead of acting like a parent you are acting like a child.
Dtop allowing free range on pocket money, they can still have it but have some say on what they are spending it on. Look up information on what vaping can cause and speak to your child explaining this was the reason for your outburst. Good luck.

Shouting has its place. When it's done occasionally/rarely it's quite effective.
DD crossed a line and has hurt you on a few levels. You are right to be angry and she needs to know it.
I have no issues with that at all.

Fgs don’t beat yourself up over others saying shouting is not productive , maybe it’s not but my god sometimes it warrants loosing your shit to hammer home how serious it is and lets the kids know how serious their actions were. Let her be hysterical a bit it won’t kill her she’s hysterical because she’s been caught out and she can see how upset and disappointed you are . Sit her out a bit there’s time for a calm sit down talk later.

Anyone on here who denies loosing it with teens is in my opinion a fibber.