DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

And get to fuck with going to hers on Boxing Day. If she can snub you on Christmas Day by taking your DH for herself, it’s beyond the pale. Go to your own family Boxing Day. It’s mental.

The same selfish kind of person who agrees to leave his wife and kids on Christmas Day.

Your theory might hold weight if it wasn't for the fact that MIL is hosting her sons and their families on Boxing Day. So 'complete' families' can't be her issue.

Sorry yes for a moment I confused father and FIL.
I hope this thread has given you food for thought about what to do.
I know you said you are looking forward to boxing day but if christmas day happens as your MIL plans are you still going to feel the same way about going?

Odd if she can't handle a big Christmas day but Boxing day is OK? It's a complete power trip pure and simple..

I think you've hit the nail on the head, the first thing that came to mind was this is a control thing.
Hopefully DH will see sense and she'll come over to yours, how old are your kids?

Maybe OP should go to her family’s for Christmas Day, sod the cooking (maybe take the food), and stay there until Boxing Day with the kids. I’d be tempted.

@Pollyxplummer Pollyxplummer
I've read all your responses here, OP, and notice that you really only talk about your MIL. Interesting that you avoid the real issue, which is having a husband whom you're allowing to get away with outrageous behaviour -- by reneging on an agreement to have Christmas (inc lunch) at home and by prioritising his mother's wishes, neither of which is acceptable behaviour. It's disrespectful to you, not to mention his children and your parents.

You might reflect on your unwillingness to confront him and inability to lay down boundaries that are sorely needed here, rather than 'grumpily' asking when he's going out.

@WhereYouLeftIt has absolutely nailed it.

Another one here who would be furious! How can he even think this might be a good idea?

Finding it hard is completely understandable. Behaving like this is not.

I would tell DP if he buggers off on Christmas Day that’s his prerogative. But if you do; you and the kids won’t be going on Boxing Day.

For me, with just OP and her family, rather than OP's extended family, and in my own home that would have been very different and I'd have been asking a mammoth effort for the benefit of my adult DC , who'd lost their father. To do it two days running is a big ask.

I'd have preferred to be on my own, but some families find it hard to "allow" people to be alone at Christmas.

I'm not for a minute suggesting that this arrangement is OK, only that Christmas is incredibly difficult after a bereavement. That makes you do odd things.

Whilst I understand the support for OP, I am surprised there's no sympathy at all for the widow.

Which is exactly what I said. A little understand of what's behind it wouldn't hurt though.

Absolutely 💯 right. You are not saying that you are confronting your husband at all.
Why?

This situation has made me so angry so quickly, I’m incensed for you OP. In a way, you don’t seem angry enough?

Very true.

There's nothing you can do with a MIL who thinks and acts like she's the one and only matriarch. It's her raison d'etre.

You can do something about your ridiculous DH who thinks it's okay to leave his wife and children on Christmas day for lunch. Ask him if he's thought about actually leaving the house with presents and people and food everywhere, and what he's going to say to your parents and your children (I wouldn't tell my parents DH had planned this, I'd let him sputter and deal with their shocked and insulted faces on the day, and I'd make it clear MIL was very welcome to join in but insisted on lunch with just DH).

What a tool. It's early still. He'll come to his senses.

It’s completely rude. Going over for a coffee late morning or late afternoon is one thing, but lunch out away from his kids for no good reason! That’s unacceptable.

Ok. After my DDad died, my DM found it upsetting to be in social settings with other couples. So there will be you and your DH, your in laws and then her.

Could it be this?

However, I don’t think it’s fair of your DH to disappear on Xmas day for lunch when he should be having lunch with his DW and family.

Can you not talk to her about this and offer some support and reassurance as opposed to the MN response of antagonism and kicking off.

If my DH did that, I’d be talking about getting a divorce as a Christmas gift for myself. Your husband doesn’t respect you or your children enough to make you his priority above his mother by spending Christmas Day with you. You need to make it clear that this is a deal breaker for your marriage.

Regardless of what else he does, the family dinner at your house is a prior commitment; if his lunch invitation from his mother overlaps with that he'll have to decline or reschedule the lunch out. If he's adamant that he's going to go out with her on Xmas Day, I'd suggest he move it to breakfast or early brunch instead of lunch, and then you might push your big meal a little bit later (if you were planning to have it midday). He doesn't have to eat a lot if he's already full, but he does have to show up, stay, and fulfill his share of the hosting and parenting responsibilities.

Also, unless the children are old enough to stay home alone, he should have checked with you before committing to the meal out - what if you'd secretly also made a Christmas lunch engagement just you and a friend, and it turned out the be the exact same time?

Complete non issue IMO but I see I’m in the minority here. It’s only a problem if you make it one - what actual impact will him going out for a couple of hours on Christmas Day have? Why does it matter? Christmas conventions don’t have to be slavishly abided by, people really need to chill with the rigidity. People dipping out or doing their own thing is not a snub unless you’re determined to find offence in someone not conforming to a very prescriptive idea of what Christmas should be.

Have you read that mil is happy to have a house full of people at hers on Boxing Day?

I think he sounds like a caring son and husband. stuck in hard place.