DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

This is a massive fuck you to you and your kids (plus wider family) I’d be absolutely hopping. How insulting of her.

I think he sounds like an utter wimp.

YANBU

Sounds similar to my MIL, expects DH to jump and he says how high, yet ask them a favour and they are awkward!

We are always expected to go over to them Christmas day, the one year we didnt, it was expected they come over here for part of the day

Granted we see my parents boxing day, but it was like the world had ended when I suggested we see his family on Christmas eve, so we have Christmas day to ourselves

Its always us going over there, rarely do they go out of their way to come here. SIL lives extremely local to PIL and its not even like shes alone, she has FIL but it's very much about her and the whole family must be together Christmas day and no other day will do

Unfortunately DH wouldn't even consider using the word "no" with them.

This!

Because things do matter.
OPs efforts.
HIS children. Where’s Dad?
MIL - oh leave your family son to be with me.
So what if weird MIL wants to do this every year? Nice little tradition of her own?!

YANBU!

Has your husband temporarily lost his backbone, or has he never had one?

This really crosses a line. Your MIL has been invited to the family lunch, that's the offer, not a nice restaurant lunch for two. Both DH and MIL are being rude. If they want to have a quiet chat, they could go for a drink after your family event, before he drops her home. That would be a lot less rude and selfish tbh.

In 30 years together with my DH I have only once or twice needed to read the riot act. This would be one of those occasions for me.

What actual impact? Apart from disrespecting his wife, children, wider family guests and absenting himself from the special meal being prepared, in favour of his mother who he's too afraid to say no to, you don't see a problem.

Are you OP's MiL??

I'm imagining the baffled, wtf, looks on everyone's faces when they turn up on Christmas Day. And the ensuing conversation.

I will spend Xmas with elderly relatives rather than my own children but that’s a very different situation. In your case MIL and DH are behaving in an awful & really baffling way!

The years with young children at Xmas are so precious & go by so quickly. I can’t understand any grandmother being as selfish as this (depression would be really no excuse); or any father of young children being so semi-detached from his wife & family as to agree, against his wife’s objections.

It is almost as though they both see him as being your children’s uncle- an optional add on, a visitor at Xmas - rather than a father!

I would struggle to get past this if my husband behaved in this way. It would be a major issue in the marriage. And what ever sort of MIL wants to create strife in her grandchildren’s family at Xmas?

I hope for family cohesion your DH very quickly sees sense.

This also leaves op on her own during the most demanding part of hosting on Xmas day though? Doing all the prep cooking serving and clearing while also juggling the kids.

My guess is this is what he actually wants out of.

I'd tell him very clearly that he's already committed to hosting his in laws and that the entire next day is dedicated to her so either she comes and joins you all or he tells her no because he's needed at home to help.

I would be upset at my MIL for asking my DH to leave his family on Christmas Day to have lunch with him. I would think it extremely selfish and wouldn't put myself out to have much of a relationship with her going forward.

I'd be very angry if my DH went out for lunch with his mum on Christmas Day. I would think less of him. I would be absolutely stunned if he did this, it's not something I'd forgive or forget easily.

Your mil is inconsiderate and thoughtless to ask. Your dh is the one I would be angry with, he is snubbing your family, leaving you with all the hosting duties and worse not having Christmas dinner with his own children!!

She shouldn't have asked, he definitely should not have said yes.

I have a wonderful dh and I mostly like my MIL... but this is the sort of thing that 100% could have happened with us. She can be very selfish and myopic. The (much less serious) similar scenario that DID happen and I had to have a word with dh about was that she would expect him to be at her beck and call when she needed something, and he would just drop everything.

Trip to doctor/hairdresser/shopping? Didn't matter when, he would take her.
Problem with her computer? He'd literally stop whatever he was doing and go over.
If she was at our house for the day, if she wanted a tea she would expect him to make it instantly.

The problem, and this is where your dh is going wrong too, was that it was often the dc who were shafted. So suddenly a trip somewhere was cancelled because now dad had to go to MIL, or in the middle of a game dh would just disappear. He eas once literally playing a mock football match with ds and said to him, "I'll just make granny a cup of tea" and 30 minutes later ds came to find me really upset as he had been waiting and dh jist didnt reappear. He was a out 8.

I am trying to imagine how your children will feel about this and I cant see it being great. I do not believe in the "its all about our little nuclear family" narrative but this is ridiculous. For you ans your dc. I would be seriously questioning his priorities if he cant see that.

I hope you’re going to insist he does his share of preparing the Christmas lunch and will be back in time to clear up, doing the washing up etc?

She has been invited to theirs - so she can go there! What mother would take her son away from his children on Christmas Day!

Husband is being ridiculous, doing as his mum says!

I’d be raging. He should be having lunch with his wife and children.
its not like his mum wasn’t invited.

He's not stuck in a hard place. His mum was invited to his home for Christmas Day, she gets on well with her DIL and no real reason for not going. He could have said sorry Mum, that won't work, I want to spend the day with my family, including you. I couldn't possibly not be at home.

I understand your point, but the difference is that this isn't just popping out for a couple of hours- it's over the entire meal which is the busiest point of the day with the most labour and the key time when people are socially expected to be sat enjoying it together. Christmas Dinner is a big deal for many, many families and its the one bit you don't 'dip out' for. Especially when you are the host and you're leaving people in your home for it. That's very rude. It would be different if he was popping over to see her for a couple of hours in the evening or after dinner and clean up was done and people can relax a bit- particularly hosts, but it's at the key point in the day.

That's ridiculous! He can't disappear, he has children he's equally responsible for and he is supposed to be hosting guests (way to make it clear he expects you to do all these cooking and entertaining!).

I categorically wouldn't accept this and would be really annoyed he even brought it up as an option.

If his mum wants to spend the day with him she can accept your invitation. They are both so rude.

Absolutely no way would I be ok with this!! Can't believe he agreed to it.

What a horrible woman.
Odd if she can't handle a big Christmas day but Boxing day is OK? It's a complete power trip pure and simple My MIL was widowed in the October and was devastated, but her main concern was worrying that, if she came for Christmas and felt weepy at any point, she could find a secluded spot to cry without upsetting us and the DC.
You sound lovely, inviting her over and looking forward to seeing your DH's family on Boxing Day.
Realistically though your DH is a huge problem. He needs to help you host. What happened to the "forsaking all others" part of his wedding vows?

I don't know who is worse - your MIL or DP!
So selfish.

It’s an incredibly thoughtless thing for MIL to suggest…it says to your children they are less important and doesn’t offer you help on a busy day. It’s basically incredibly anti social and hurtful

It won't be two hours. He'll be gone half the day. Meanwhile you'll be doing all the cooking and hosting by yourself. That's not on.

It’s very disrespectful and rude. Also shows that’s he’s a useless lump who doesn’t do anything to help with Christmas that he thinks he can just go out for several hours and won’t be missed. Even if he can’t cook there’s all sorts to help with if you are hosting and have children - drinks to fill, tables to set, batteries to insert in toys, excited kids to play with or take out on new bike.
I’d be saying if you don’t want to spend a big chunk of Xmas day with me and kids that’s serious talk time.

This is a revenge Christmas lunch vs her daughter, so when asked, she can say it was just me and your DH this year for lunch in swanky place.

Not nice behaviour at all.

If she was fearful about being lonely, she'd be at yours.