DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

I suspect she will fall out with him too eventually And what do the other siblings make of this…?!

I am one of four and my mother was always falling out with one or another and then promoting someone else to favourite. It was very tiresome and did cause tensions between siblings.
She’d never have done something as rude as this though.

I don’t understand why everyone is so up in arms about DH spending a couple of hours with his mum? C’mon, it’s his mum!!! So what if she wants to spend her Christmas with him for a few hours. He’ll be back home for the rest of the day & you already have family over so no one is really going to notice or care. Just keep yourselves busy if it bothers you so much and stop being such a drama llama. Parents aren’t going to be around forever.

OP she has lost her husband and her daughter and might not be able to face a big family Christmas.
However I don't think your husband should be leaving the family on Christmas day to go out with his Mum.
I would try and find out the reason why she doesn't want to come and try and alleviate whatever is standing in her way.

She's had her Xmases with her kids. Now she wants to take him away from his kids on Xmas so she can prove he puts her over his wife and kids.

OP and her husband are hosting for 12 people. He won't be there to do his share of the massive amount of work that involves. He's not going to be gone a couple of hours, he'll be gone until his mom thinks she's showed OP and his kids who's boss. This is a power play.

I think that sucks.

But did you and your DH never want to spend Christmas together? And why did your DH’s mother seem happy to keep him apart from his wife? What a weird set-up

Your husband needs to be hosting your guests with you, not out with his mum. It is very selfish to expect to dip out for most of the day. Won't your guests wonder where he is? How can you manage the hosting single handed, he's causing you a lot of extra work. Your MIL is acting like a spoiled child.

Totally ridiculous, he’s your husband and should be there to help you host your guests and be with his family, what is he thinking?!

Dinner is the man event in most homes on Christmas Day!

You offered for her to come around, it's unreasonable he's not with you and DCs.
Put your foot down OP, tell him no for lunch but after 3pm (helping with tidying up) he can go off.

@Crazylady80 he’s missing the meal with the rest of the family. Popping over for a cup of tea and a piece of cake later would be fine. But actually missing the Christmas meal is wrong

This is extraordinary - I hope you are able to make your husband see sense. He should tell his mother he needs to be at home for Christmas Dinner and then put every effort into persuading her to join you all on Christmas Day.

Perhaps cancel your family lunch and book you and DC in somewhere for the Christmas break!
DH can stay and fend for himself

25 years?? Okaaay.

She will certainly be keeping herself busy if she’s hosting Christmas with her dh having disappeared, you don’t have to worry about that.

Yep, this was my grandmother as well. She also would limit contact with the grandchildren of the non favored child.

Seriously?? How low are your standards???

his household is hosting Christmas dinner. Stepping out for hours is extremely rude to his wife, his guests and his children. It’s inexcusable.

So this is only your second Christmas without your dad. I'm sorry boo!

Btw I think this whole situation is bonkers. I don't understand how on earth she can think it's perfectly normal to ask her son to be away from his family on Xmas Day and I don't know how he is allowing it. He needs to be firmer with her.

If she’s a control freak I can see why you hosting 12 at your house would do her nut.

However that’s her issue and she has plenty of choices. Your DH should be with the kids for Christmas Dinner.

I would point this out to her directly. Tell her to invite a friend if she fancies a dinner out somewhere instead. She can’t argue, she’s been invited to yours if she wants to be with her son.

Sounds like a real wimp to me but is too cowardly to speak up but tries to control you in other ways.

His mother seems like a real.controlling piece of work to be honest.

He needs to grow a pair of balls asap.

Don't make him any Christmas Dinner if he does comes back.on time
.
Leave all the ingredients raw on a plate and tell him to cook it himself.

What a shitpot he is.

Sounds like she is well rid of him then. It hardly makes for a happy Christmas.

He could compromise, take his mum to church then return for lunch.

That way he escapes the cooking.

This is super weird. Mil sounds like a nightmare and your DH needs to grow a pair.

Is it possible she has had some bad health news or something, and he is the only one who knowa?

Otherwise it does seem a bit weird and controlling on her part. I wouldn't be that bothered about him missing lunch (unless he is meant to be helping cook/serve/clear up/entertain young kids - then i would be pissed off! ).

Another possibility is he isn't keen on your family, is this possible?

Probably no point falling out over it. He is an adult and can eat where he likes, I suppose. But I do agree it's strange.

But that's the worst part, IMO. Her parents have come on their alloted day to spend the holiday with the entire family. I find it beyond rude and disrespectful towards OPs parents - his PILs - to leave at any point, for any amount of time, for anyone (barring an emergency). I would be so embarrassed and ashamed if I were the OP.

What about the 2 kids? They’re his family too!