DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

I wouldn’t be happy with this - I’d be telling DP to go round to MIL Christmas Eve morning and don’t return until 27th. If he doesn’t want to spend Christmas Day with his family he can miss Christmas Eve and Boxing Day as well.

Your MIL is being completely unreasonable given that she has other options for the day. I wouldn’t be going to hers on Boxing Day either, if you and the rest of the family aren’t good enough to spend time with on Christmas Day then you’re not good enough to spend time with on Boxing Day either!

@Booboobagins when have you ever been out to a restaurant for a 3 course meal and it’s only been 2 hours from the time you leave your home to the time you return? There is absolutely no way this will only be 2 hours.

Honestly OP I’d be fuming and you're right it won’t be 2 hours because realistically he won’t just leave her after lunch to be alone on Xmas day!

If DH is insistent on going then next year when it’s her turn I would be doing the same thing with the kids. If she wants to start a new tradition of just mum/child alone on the day for lunch then you’ll continue it next year

OP's MIL is hosting a Boxing Day meal at her own house tomorrow so she is fine with being around a bunch of people. She also hosted on Christmas Day last year.

If she can't face being with people on Christmas Day, she can stay at home and OP's DH can pop round for a cup of tea after lunch.

However, she is demanding that she and OP's DH go to a restaurant for Christmas lunch, leaving OP to prepare, cook and serve Christmas lunch on her own. There is no way that OP's DH will only be out for a couple of hours. It's a big deal because he will be leaving his children and the other guests that have been invited.

It’s exceptionally rude of her, whatever she is going through, to expect her son to not spend Xmas dinner with his own children and wife!! AND for him to expect his wife to cook and serve Xmas dinner while hosting and looking after their children while he swans off out?!

MIL should either suck it up and accept one of the invites or take herself out to dinner. Why has she only asked your DH and not her other children?! 🤔

I would be saying to him that if he accepts this offer, he won’t ever have another chance to eat Xmas dinner cooked by me.

You do realise that OP's mum has been invited to her son's house for Christmas dinner and that she is hosting herself on Boxing Day? They spent last Christmas with OP's MIL at her house. Plus, OP's dad died more recently than MIL's husband and her mum isn't behaving like a drama queen. OP's family have been invited this year and her DH will just rudely get up and leave his guests. No wonder OP is pissed off.

OP's MIL has just retired so it's unlikely that she'll drop dead soon. It's the usual maudlin emotional blackmail that unpleasant MILs need to be pandered to as they don't have long for this world. It's pathetic.

How old are your children OP? Maybe I am a nag but I would say to your husband that being there on Christmas Day is non negotiable. He’s married to you - not his mum.

You answered the question yourself! She likes to be in control. She hasn’t got her husband to control anymore so she is going for the son she knows she can manipulate.
You won’t win this one and if you choose to make it into an issue (I agree with your point of view btw), you will play into her hands where she could cause division with you and your DH. And remember sons love their mums so he will feel torn so don’t put any if this on him. You make the moves.
Play her at her own game. Drop your husband off so he can “have a few drinks and relax” so you get to pick him up too! Only tell him about this on the day so she can’t interfere, she will be many moves ahead of you in the manipulation of her son!
Then when you pick him up, shower mil with praise and cajole her into going to yours “you won’t hear of her being on her own”.. again the element of surprise is important.
Thus you have established a new family tradition where she goes to yours for Christmas.
If she is in good health and relatively young with many years ahead, be strategic.
MIL aren’t just for Christmas unfortunately

She's a control freak. Your kidswill remember this.
I except you to withhold everything. Do nothing more for him.

Our Christmas was like this too. My DH driving Christmas morning, after a lovely breakfast, to his DM, 3 hours away, staying over until Boxing Day. Back by lunchtime.

It was fine, gave me and my DC’s the Christmas we had always had, just the three of us and DH got to spend time with his DM.

Sometimes compromise is needed. DH and I accepted that this was ok.

If both parties are on the rental agreement then the same applies- she has no right to make him leave

None of which you can enforce unless you want to be pulled up for being controlling... which is abusive behaviour

Agree its obvious op dosent like her.
More batshittery and problems just because of this fairytale that comes around once a year called Christmas.
Who gives a shit about the annual bore.

I wouldn’t have a problem with my DH skipping out for a few hours on Christmas Day to see his mum and my MIL hates me and I’m no contact with my MIL.

its not like he is spending the whole day with her. You probably wouldn’t even notice much.

He's skipping dinner with his family, because his mother refuses to come over, despite it being the same people she will see on Boxing Day. She's just pulling a power move. She reminds me of my grandmother, who was only friendly with one child at a time, barely speaking to the other child and their entire family while that child was the golden child.

In that case it needs both to sign when the tenancy is up for renewal.

You really are being ridiculous 🙄

That's the saddest thing I've ever read. Your poor kids. How do you not realise how toxic that is. Your children never got to celebrate Christmas with their own father. At least divorced children get to have it every other year with the other parent.

True, I obviously wouldn’t be able to ‘enforce’ it, and I am not controlling in the slightest. However, that is the conversation we would be having.. and depending on his decision our family life would be drastically different going forward. His decision/my decision.. everything has consequences.

OFOD!
Both have equal rights end of!

I can sympathise with MIL feeling miserable and needy in this situation, and believing that having her son to herself for Christmas lunch will make her feel better. But it doesn't take into account that he has a wife and children at home, and inlaws, who also want and expect to share that meal with him, including the preparation and clearing up. There must be a compromise, surely. If seeing her son on his own is so important, he could pop over in the evening for an hour or two, and have the middle of the day with his family.

Hmmm. I wonder if there's Someone Else he wants to see on Christmas Day, and his mother will back him up and say he was with her? And it's not yet booked??? Something doesn't add up, but even if he really is lunching with his mother, that's disgraceful, he just wants to be out of the way, with no hassle, and doesn't want to help you. Kick his *rse, hard.

Your MIL is in the wrong here gor expecting this to happen.

She should want to spend it with family not just 1 if her sons. Really from what you have said she should take it in turns each year with each son or daughters families that how ours do my mil spends each Christmas in turns. It sounds like she likes to cause grief it doesn't make sense that she wants to go for a meal alone with her son leaving his wife and her grandchildren out of that especially when she's been invited to you! No I would be making it very clear how upset you are and if he keeps allowing her to pull strings it will continue. You should say really that Christmas is for family she has an invite and he shouldn't go making big decisions like that without at least discussing it with you and he has he needs to tell her he's thought it through and it's unfair to leave the family for Christmas dinner and she's welcome there.

Huge leap there!

And in my real life ..

My DH is not their father.
I preferred that my DC’s had the Christmas they had always had, just the three of us ( as I said in my post).

My MiL and DH wanted to see each other.

No drama. Everyone happy.

On the other hand my exDH is a policeman, our DC’s never got to spend Christmas Day with him either.

Real life!

No wonder the daughter doesn’t have a good relationship with this woman, she sounds horrible.
Also husband saying he doesn’t see what the problem is😡 This is a big red flag. If that is what he actually said and not what you infer. Taking actions without any thoughts as to how impacts on you and refusing to acknowledge when his actions cause you upset, this is not a good sign. It’s one thing to have a different point of view to someone. It’s a big raging red flag parade when someone doesn’t even realise that you have a point of view.