DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

Do the kids know that dad won’t be having Christmas lunch with them and is likel6 to be out for much of the day? Because I’d tell them and leave them to go nuclear on his ass

I know those saying they won’t find anywhere open and the OP saying “well nothings booked” seem to be thinking the problem will solve itself, but really there’s lots of pubs and restaurants open on Christmas Day. There’s several near us who would probably turn down a large group but definitely still have spaces for just a party of 2.

It says a lot about your marriage and the state it must be in and how little your husband thinks of you and his children that he would even consider abandoning his family for several hours while YOU cater for everyone.

I hope you realise that this is not normal.

Your poor children.

Just leave all the washing up for him to do when he returns.

Seriously???

He needs to stop being a big baby and say no!! I would be really pissed off. Maybe next year you should say you are going out with just your parents so he can cook for the kids and his mum on his own.

Does your DH not feel a bit used that it's only now mum's fallen out with sister that she wants a close relationship with him?! Or is he revelling in being the favourite for a change? That dynamic in itself probably needs some unpacking.

Christmas lunch is normally special in most houses where people celebrate. Where family eat a meal they would not normally have, together with crackers and jokes, hats and the atmosphere is special. Maybe it isn’t special to you, but for many children it is, and they would be sad not to have their dad there for it.

@siucra do you really believe he will be back after a couple of hours? Why?

I don’t think he will be back at all for the rest of the day if MIL has anything to do with it. Being away for a couple of hours total would mean a lunch time of one hour or less by the time you take into account travel.

Does DH drink @Pollyxplummer ? If he does then i think it’s likely that MIL will encourage this so he can’t drive home for some time and that she will put pressure on him to stay the night. After all you are all going there on Boxing Day.

But even if that does not happen he will be gone 4 hours minimum.

Jusf no. That is not ok.

Take the initiative, phone your MIL and give her a firm invitation for Christmas lunch, because your DH is going to be very busy that day, so why not come and share it.

If he wants to go, let him. He is showing you where he wants to be.

Go make up the settee for him and put a bag of clothing in the lounge for him. Tell him if he gets cold, he can go around his Mum's and jump into bed with her. Tell him if he has a problem then it's none of your concern. Tell him you will not be attending boxing day with him and will instead be going out.

It seems you have an "exclusive" concept of "family", Your parents, as indeed your partner's parents are a part of you family. "Inclusion" does often cause inconvenience but it's more rewarding overall than "exclusion" and particularly beneficial to "your nuclear family" than exclusion. We need to learn some of the concepts of other cultures and traditions.

So you assume that everyone owns a home? That's a bit insulting to renters don't you think?

His mum won’t always be there so why not treasure the time he has left with her

I would tell him to be back in time to do the washing up

I would as others have said invite her directly yourself, if she declines ask what her plans are. If she says lunch with Dh, ask her why she thinks its Ok to take him away from his kids at christmas. If she still can't see why this is wrong then unfortunatly your kids are having lunch out with you on boxing day so you will see her in January. DH will be with her for the forseeable if he doesnt say no. Youbwill need to be cleat his DM has caused a family rift and next year christmas will be at yours again.

I think that’s very rude and selfish of your mother-in-law. Can’t understand why your husband is even considering the idea and if I were you, I would put my foot down firmly on the issue.. she’s been invited to yours and snubbed you all and still expect you to go to hers on Boxing Day. I would request an explanation from her for behaviour..

Doesn't she want to see her grandchildren?

It says in the OP that she's only just retired, so mid 60s? At that age I'd be, quite frankly, very hurt if I thought my children were coming to see me because they thought I'd soon be dead.

You should be asking him why he and his mum thinks it’s ok the children don’t get their dad at Christmas lunch? She sounds like a manipulative madam! She’s had an invite to yours, she has other kids and she’s having a get together on Boxing Day, she’s hardly being treated like an outcast. I’d be telling dh he is being unfair to you and his children. He may still go but I’d make it clear to him you don’t find it acceptable.

‘DH’ would be staying at his mother’s Christmas night if he pulled that shit on me. In fact, maybe he should go over there Christmas Eve and stay there too! My children and I would be off on an adventure Boxing Day without him.

I’d seriously consider not going on Boxing Day now !

The fact youre told her shes welcome at yours and she doesnt want to come but does want to have DH to herself is spiteful and selfish. And hes ridiculous for agreeing.. im understanding why SIL stepped back

Are you sure it's his mum he's going out with?