DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

I think that DH is being very very unreasonable here .I think he probably likes the idea of a couple of hours child free with a nice lunch! I would be very cross indeed .

YANBU OP I would be furious if my DH did this.

I do love when people go oh but it’s Christmas of course someone should do something for one person it’s Christmas after all.

The argument being it’s just one day, surely you can live without whatever for just one day. Just put your self out for just one day.

By that standard. It’s just one day. Mil can suck it up. It’s only one day out the entire year. Sure she can live without getting her way for one day. Sure she can go to ops for one day. It is Christmas after all she would want to burden her Dil with all that work alone surely. Where’s her Christmas spirit.

I’ve made a massive error! I didn’t realise he was choosing to eat with her and not you bj thought he’d have two lunches. I would move the timings so he is back to eat with you at 3pm.

Whilst I do think your DH is in the wrong, I think this quote is a bit unreasonable. Spending time with your son's in laws is a million miles away from your own immediate family in your own home, or at least it would be for me, in terms of 'social battery', how relaxed I'd feel etc. and 2 years widowed isn't much time. The idea of someone saying to me, you were with your family so why didn't you feel up to going to the in laws would seem bizarre, of course there is a difference (and I'm imagining my own in laws when I say that, a relatives in laws is another step removed again).

However, of course he is being unreasonable to miss the dinner at yours, which to me is the main bit, if she is getting her turn the next day, and has the option to come to yours. Even if it is a not facing company thing, she could focus on boxing day as 'her' Christmas, or your DH could nip round for a cuppa / walk for an hour or so with her at a time convenient to you, so she has seen someone (I wouldn't mind that as you have a house full anyway). But doing dinner with her when you have a clear turn system is just unfair. I would certainly be suggesting perhaps you'll see your parents every year then, as he does!?

Definitely say this - it’s quid pro quo, he can handle the whole thing next year and you’re off for a quiet day with your mum and dad. See how he likes those onions.

Controversially, if that's what he wants let him.

Seriously, once the kids have opened their presents what does he actually do. Does he contribute anything to the day at all?

I'd just make no effort to include him for the rest of the day and I'd be storing this away for future reference.

No way would I put up with this nonsense

How utterly bizarre. I’d be fuming

Does your dh not help with cooking Christmas dinner.
That would have annoyed me most. We work as a team cooking and entertaining kids and still having fun .
I would hate to do all the cooking .
It does sound like she wants to host. Its pretty mean that she doesnt think maybe his kids and wife want to have Christmas dinner with him too.
But really you have a dh problem. He should have stopped it when she mentioned it and said dont be daft mum ,just come here for Christmas day. I cant just leave my wife and kids for the day .

Olympic level dick-pandering.

So you were with her last year on Christmas, when your dad died in Sept. This would be the first Christmas to be with your mum after losing your dad and your husband doesn't see that maybe your family needs the same support you showed him when he needed it

I would be livid.
In fact I'd tell him to F off to his mothers now & not bother to come back.

Basically he's saying you & your joint children do not matter, your wider family are unimportant & he's going to swan in & out of Christmas, as it suits him.

And, obviously, he'll do none of the work of Christmas, it'll all be down to you.

It feels completely wrong to me that his mother wants to take her son away from his children on Christmas Day. Especially when she has an invitation to come and join them. Even taking into account grieving and perhaps also some social anxiety it is enormously self centred of her. I wouldn’t dream of asking for this, even if it meant opting for a quiet day by myself rather than socialising. He might well be enjoying the attention of the special relationship but he should also keep a sense of perspective.

Have you thought about calling her and asking her to reconsider taking DH away from HIS wife and children on Christmas Day? I would roll out the big guns and ask how she would have felt her if her late husband had done the same when her children were small? (before anyone comes for me, the MIL hasn't considered the OP's at all). Remind her that this is your family Christmas Day in your home for the first time in two years.

You know it's not going to be two hours. There will be the faffing about when he arrives - I bet she insists on him opening his present when he gets there. Then there will be the driving to the restaurant pub. It will be busy with large groups and there will be no rush as it's all booked. You can kiss goodbye to your DH for the whole afternoon.

I would also rope the her rest of the siblings/aunts/cousins in saying how upset you are - surely they would agree with you. Perhaps one of them can have a word with him. Your biggest worry about is that this becomes a precedent. Your DH needs to put his foot down

I know you want to see your in laws on Boxing Day but I would refuse to go. I would stay at home and suggest the fun ones come over to you for two hours to show her what is feels like.

Good luck OP.

Yeah, no, I’d be telling DH this is absolutely not on. You’re seeing MIL the following day for a Christmas family meal. She had you all on Christmas Day the year before. This year is your parents turn. That means he has to be there too. He cannot run off and not share Christmas dinner with his own young DC because mummy is pushing him to replace his DF.

That really is the heart of it. She may have been grieving but emotional incest is not the answer. He is your DH and your DC’s DF. Not his mummy’s life partner.

She can either accept your invite to join you all or go elsewhere. Huge red flag that DH would even consider this, let alone tell you it’s happening.

I think you may be underestimating the nature and power of grief. I lost my DH after 40 years together. Big events like Christmas were particularly hard. Two years is no time at all. I don't think I have ever felt as lonely in my life as I felt among my extended family on celebratory days like that, especially during the first three years. You don't ever get over it, you just learn to live with it.

Time spent with our DS was comforting and healing - it was a shared loss. I never asked him to join me alone for big events, but I often duck out of them as even 6 years later, they can hurt like hell.

I get it that your DH can't support both his mother in that way and be with you and your DC. It's not something I ever asked my DS to do, and I wouldn't, but I can understand why your MIL would find this comforting. Whatever decision you make, be kind. She's grieving and she's in pain.

Tweaked the title for you, @Pollyxplummer

Bizarre that your husband would even entertain such an extraordinary request.
He's clearly a chip off the old block

@Tekknonan I doubt that this particular MiL is so grief stricken that she can't face a big family day. She's hosting everyone on Boxing Day. She's just an arch manipulator who's fallen out with her daughter and wants the DD to be jealous that she has promoted OP's spineless DH into top spot. Or, in other words, she's a piece of work.

You sound the opposite to her - thoughtful and considerate.

This is absolutely ridiculous. If this were me, I'd spell this out to my husband:

• Your decision is offensive to me and my family
• I don't want you to do this, I expect you to let your mother know that you were mistaken and this arrangement doesn't work
• If you don't, I will be wounded and I will remember for a long time. This decision will damage our marriage
• Also, I will hold it against your mother, it will damage my relationship with her and that is likely to have consequences in the future. For example, I will be less willing to accommodate her for future events that are within my control such as bringing the kids at Christmas
• Ergo you're looking at a feud between us and years of strife if you don't nip this in the bud with your mother now

Then he knows the choice he's making at least

Ps don't speak with your MIL about this, nothing good can come of that. This is something you work out with your husband. It's better to just accept her for who she is, and try to see the best in her but without being naive about her, if that makes sense. But the boundary is with your husbands behaviour and his picking her over your family, which isn't acceptable.

He shoukd be spending Christmas with his wife, but more importantly his children. Id ask him to take the kids with him.
MIL.is showing you that she's in charge.

This is a good post. I wish I had said that when I was being walked on ‘this decision will damage our marriage’

He is not just doing it to you but to your children too. His mother is flexing.

Why do people always post rubbish like this.
If she ends their marriage over this he has equal rights to the marital home - there's no reason he should leave it to live with his mother

I was also wondering where he was going to go out with her on Christmas Day!