DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

It’s so ridiculous the emotional blackmail on threads like this. People only have to mention a person over 60 to be told that they are on death’s door and every sacred moment is precious. I just roll my eyes when I see that now.

I can’t help but feel this is incredibly selfish and controlling of her! She’s had many many years whilst he was a child having Xmas dinner - to expect him to be away from his kids for one is awfully selfish! And cannot believe he’s going along with it . I would not go to her do the following day !

Well exactly.
I think I'd be making it clear that if he doesn't spend Xmas day with my family then I won't go to his on Boxing Day

I had a clingy MIL, she soured my relationship with her son and I walked. She had done the same with his previous partner too. A clingy jealous MIL and a weak son is a recipe for disaster down the line.

Id your family Christmas is a big ruckus where people get drunk and have a big row over what they received and didn't like, and moaning about who cooks the dinner and washes up afterwards, perhaps a one-to-one with his mum is a very attractive proposition.

Wy don't you have his mum to yours?

None of it makes sense. There must be something you are not being told. What mother would deliberately ask her son to choose her over his own wife and children on Christmas Day knowing there are 12 guests for dinner and she is welcome… Plus she has other children that she could have dinner with. … I would contact her myself and check she is ok and try to find out why she has requested this specifically on Christmas Day

She is invited to Christmas Day with her son and OP. She has declined and expects OP's DH to leave his wife, children and other guests to spend the afternoon with his mum having dinner in a restaurant.

Indeed. The usual Mumsnet ageism, nothing changes.

She has other children, is welcomer in OP's home and DH is not 6. It's ridiculous.

I didn't expect a response. I edited that and deleted it because I was put off by the change in title, so wanted to go back and read it again. Somehow, I didn't delete it at all.

You are not being unreasonable at all but how you handle this will be more important. Personally I think her request to have lunch alone and the influx in her time spent with him runs a little deeper than just preference. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s more of a subconscious effort on her part to feel validated and be his priority? Given she has sadly lost her husband in recent years, fallen out with her daughter he has been thoughtful enough to step up given life changing circumstances etc. this is the tricky part as they both may not see it. You MIL maybe without realising it (only you would know) is overstepping emotional boundaries as a parent and should be promoting that you and the children are his priority and directing him towards that also given she is welcome at Xmas too. Mother/son relationships can often become complicated when you have a widowed mother, they can sometimes start to rely emotionally on their sons for emotional connection. They call it enmeshed attachment and is often unhealthy, even though it can happen innocently. Your husband is responding to your mums emotional needs which shows he is a good man and hasn’t thought further than the request she has placed on him. This is how I feel you need to handle this. Telling him this will likely fall on deaf ears and result in you seeming resentful. If I were you and given you have a good relationship with her, I personally would ring her and say my dh has mentioned the Xmas day lunch arrangements and sounds lovely but since you’ve mentioned it to the children, they’re a bit upset he’ll he gone and also sad that the I’ll miss out on Xmas day with her. Is there any chance we could have it all together? If she responds badly to this I would go as far as saying that her request is premidated and intentionally trying to upset the apple cart. If she’s a mother that has her families best interests at heart, she’ll completely relate and be 100% in agreement that your plan is much better. But going forward, I would be aware of the trend that is forming between them due to her current life changes and try to remain inclusive in their future arrangements where possible and within reason. your dh is probably blissfully unaware and just being a good son. She should be supportive of this if she a good mother. Good luck. X

Hang on a minute. I'm older that this controlling woman and no way would I ask that sort of behaviour from my DD. Treasure the time? Positively vomit inducing.

She’s horrible and controlling.
Your husband is a spineless sap.

What are you going to do about it?

So she's rebuked the invite to yours and now wants a dinner date with her ickle man. How adorable!! 🤔
Definitely a control thing and on Boxing Day will she'll be full of fake smiles and smarmy no doubt to wind you up.
I'd be packing man-child a suitcase and telling him to go and live with her ... permanently, then they can enjoy many, many happy years having luncheon.
How cunty of both of them

Well your dh and his mum need to be careful what bridges they burn, because if they haven't booked their lunch out by now, they won't be getting any lunch at all!

I feel there may be a reason she has fallen out with her daughter. She sounds unhinged!

I would just tell him , she comes to yours Christmas Day or she doesn’t see him , he has children of his own so he doesn’t get the luxury to just disappear for hours on Christmas Day .

It would be ultimatum time I’m afraid. No way would I stay married to someone who thinks it’s ok to drop his wife and kids on Christmas Day like that. He’s showing you where you rank in his priorities.

Nope this is not ok at all. I would be livid. She has been invited over to your house for Christmas lunch so what is the problem?? Why does she want him on his own? Nope. Not ok.

Is she simply taking him to the cemetery?
To see his Dad lay flowers etc.?

I would be absolutely furious.

It is disgusting she’s even asked him to part from his children on Christmas Day. And the fact he agreed. Im sorry, but I’d find that really difficult to move past with both of their behaviours.

And it won’t be a couple of hours either. By the time they meet up, get to the restaurant, are served, chat, get home and chat at the door. I would realistically guess that’s a good 5 hours.

So let’s get this straight. In the case of mils asking for things we get.

It’s only one day, let her.
She will be dead one day so make the most do the time. But again only that one day will do.

So just to ask. How many years are parents of grown up adult children with their own children. Expected to do everything their parents or in-laws ask because they will die one day?

What about children are only little for a few years?

How do we balance in-laws and our own if they all might die one die. Or do we divide and conquer? But then who has the children.

minefield.

easily avoided though since both mums are invited to the family home. Only one is being a pain in the arse.

Suggest he takes her out for lunch on Christmas Eve. Then she can choose whether or not to come for Christmas Day.

It speaks volumes about her personality that she's prepared to put herself ahead of her grandchildren on Christmas Day. I'm afraid your DH isn't covering himself with glory either!

I see a different I think you’re getting upset over nothing. She had a falling out with another family member, she lost her husband two years ago. It could be very possible she doesn’t feel like being around a bunch of people this Christmas and just wants to hang out with her son. It’s no big deal for your husband to pop out for a couple of hours.