DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

Listen to everyone here! Awful! Imagine you in the same situation as her in the future and your child coming to you to be kind!!
Let him go FFS

I think some trolls and incels have found the thread…..

Don’t feed the troll.

I’d like to think that if l was in DMs situation in the future l would not be so selfish as to snub an invitation to a family Christmas lunch and not only take my son away from his family on Christmas Day, but leave his wife to host 12 people alone. This isn’t about lunch for two, it’s about sending a message to OP about the pecking order. She only has to click her fingers and her son will drop his family and come running.

I bet once it’s established that everywhere is fully booked it will change to him having lunch with her at her house and that will be ok as he would have been going out anyway.

The objective is for him to make a show that she is more important than the rest of you including his children.

I would find this so utterly disrespectful from my DH. It's Christmas dinner for goodness sake. Also is he not going to be helping you with the food and serving?? He should be with you and his children if you are hosting Christmas. You have a whole day on Boxing Day for her and she is invited. I would be furious about this.

This!

You are both hosting 12 people FFS. he should be there to help with making drinks, making small talk, keeping chatty guests out of the kitchen at crucial cooking timings - being a good host. He's a wet blanket.

Oh hell no. If I’ve read OP correctly, she’s had the last two Xmas days at hers, this isn’t her year but she’s been invited and she’s having Boxing Day!
DH does not get to skip out on Xmas day - it’s not fair on you, the kids or the rest of the family. Actually, it’s downright rude. And it absolutely will not just be for a couple of hours. He’ll be gone all day.
She sounds like a piece of work - several calls a day? I wonder if the fallout with the Daughter is because she’s finally had enough of it and set some boundaries.

So she’s not only encouraging your husband to ditch his wife and kids on Xmas day (leaving you to host AND cook) but also singling out one of her children to what? Make a point to her daughter whom she was previously closest to? Absolutely batshit crazy and should not be supported. Like a wise previous poster said, he can have all his meals with mummy when you divorce him.

I would be fuming too, at both DH and his Mother.
Now his sister isn’t the golden girl it seems like he’s enjoying being his mother’s favourite?
It is completely disrespectful to you and your guests to bugger off out and leave you to host.
I don’t think I would ever forgive my DH if he did that to me.
His mother is clearly controlling.
She either comes to you or she doesn’t, that is all.

Honestly, OP, if your DH is happy to abandon you to cater for 12 on your own, that would be a deal breaker for me. I would tell him not to bother coming back.

They are both being ridiculous. She can come round to yours if she wants to see him on Christmas Day.

He’s obviously torn. It’s his mother and he feels guilty about her. I’d let him go if it didn’t mean extra work for you. When he’s gone, have some downtime and then when he’s home again you can start celebrating all together. Christmas is is strange time but see it as a four day event and also people have guilt trips and pressures and all sorts going on. Basically it’s a few hours out of the house, which he is probably dreading and already feels burdened by her.

I’d be ballistic in your shoes OP. I’d just tell him I’d cancel whole thing if he’s not going to show up, like fuck would I do that single-handedly. And he can find somewhere else to stay over Christmas as well. 😼

A few hours while she is catering for 12 people alone?! If it doesn’t mean extra work for her? Of course it means extra work for her!

indeed, kids are needy little bastards aren’t they, wanting their mum and dad around on Christmas Day.

How could disappearing from the house where they are hosting Christmas and they have kids possibly ever not mean more work for the op.

I have two boys and I would never in a million years ask them to leave their family on Christmas Day, whether they were hosting or not. Nor would my mum who has 3 boys. Never ever. So I don’t have to imagine.

FYI none of your responses have been appropriate. You're just shitposting.

OP isn't being needy. She is thinking about her children, unlike her DH or her MIL. He is also being disrespectful to OP's family.

I think it’s about your DH here, and not about you. Obviously you are the judge here about how burdened he is by his mother but this is something you can support him with. Make sure everything is done before he leaves (table laid, turkey in oven etc) and then do something for you! Have a special breakfast, he’ll be back desperate to be home again with you. He’s got a controlling mother and that is a very big burden. (Normally I am not team DH’s! Nor am I here. I know how much women do for Christmas so definitely don’t let him leave with things half done.)

On the first point? Yes, I do think that’s ok. It’s one day for a few hours. You can see them on any of the other 364 available days of the year. He should absolutely do cleaning and chores when he gets back or before he goes though.

Does she have previous for being controlling? Does your husband have previous for pandering to that? I'm getting that vibe from your responses tbh.

I'd be raging at DH more than MIL tbh. She can ask all she wants, byt it's up to DH to do right by his nuclear family. Whether that's about including his mum in your Christmas day or just holding firm that he will be spending Christmas day with his wife and children.

It’s not just one day through is it? It is Christmas Day, one of the most looked forward to days of the year for young children and their families.

Love the maniacs shouting ‘It’s just a couple of hours! Give the poor man his freedom!’ when those hours just happen to coincide with eating Christmas lunch, the main festive event of the year, a time for children, and cooking it for 12, serving it, and cleaning up after it, while at the same time organising unwrapping, games & family time & keeping smiling.
Just a couple of hours though!