DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

I’m reimagining the John Lewis advert with Dad looking at all the presents, his wife and daughter busy preparing the meal and then saying “I’ll be off then. See you later”. Doesn’t quite work does it.

He is not 'leaving his family' he is seeing his mum for a couple of hours, why do people have to be so dramatic these days

It is not a competition and you get to be with your family so what is the issue?

A decent Mother wouldn’t drag her son away from his family on Christmas Day.
Especially when she’s been invited to actually spend the day with everyone.

She sounds awfully selfish and controlling.

This is ridiculous! As someone who doesn’t have a great relationship with my MIL I’d be furious and would feel it’s a real slap in the face to me, my family and MY CHILDREN. I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want to spend this special day with his children?

But it's not that simple. He is going out for lunch, rather than helping his wife at home with the cooking and entertaining of family when it is their turn to host for Christmas day. MIL had her turn last year and has boxing day. There is no need for her to control Christmas day as well, she wouldn't be alone as she has been invited to join in on Christmas day and if she chooses not to accept that then she should understand that.
This isn't simply him popping out for a coffee and mince pie in the afternoon, it's a full on lunch which could be several hours during the time he should be helping host his wife's family and being with his own children.

I wouldn’t jump to divorce 🤣 but yes, it’s ridiculous. He should’ve said no, there’s no reason she can’t come to you.

It's obviously going to be more than a couple of hours. Going out for Christmas lunches with work would always take at least three hours, not including travel there and back. They'll be gone most of the afternoon.

OP's MIL is a manipulative and overbearing nightmare. She has been invited to Christmas Dinner at her son's house so she has no excuse for what she is doing apart from some weird one-upmanship with OP. OP's DH is being an utterly crap father to leave his children for most of Christmas Day to pander to his unreasonable mother.

Why the uncalled for mocking of that poster's experience? She has just said that Christmas Day was much nicer when her dad didn't need to leave the house for a few hours to do the milking. In his case, it was a necessity as part of his job, unlike OP's DH who is choosing to ditch his wife and children for most of Christmas Day to pander to his selfish mum.

You think it’s okay to choose to leave your children and not eat their Christmas meal with them? And let your wife do all the cooking and clearing up alone on Xmas day? We are all different I guess.

OP is cooking and hosting Christmas dinner for family, to which MiL has been invited. Instead she’s chosen to snub them and take her son away from his family on Christmas Day. This isn’t about a two hour lunch, it’s about control.

I'd say I'm not going on boxing day, as he didn't want to spend time with my familynin christmas day. Its a power struggle between you and mil and she's winning. Trouble is as soon as her daughter is back in her good books, he'll get dropped again. You need to make him say no and stand up to her. He's flattered by the attention from his mum and loving it.

R

I assume they were drunk looking at the time? Otherwise it’s a weirdly nasty post.

OP, what does your husband say about how offended your parents will be? Or does he not give a shit? Does he care about his kids being upset with him swanning off for the best day of the year?

I’d be furious with them both, selfish cunts.

The problem isn't just about this Christmas. There will be many other demands; many other situations when your MIL takes up DH's time (from the multiple daily phone calls to all sorts of occasions big and small). While your DH continues to be unable and/unwilling to say no to her, she will continue to demand his time and attention, and cause tensions and resentment in your marriage. For the sake of the marriage and everyone's sanity, he must learn to set boundaries with her. This won't be at all easy or natural for him. He will need to reflect carefully on his mother's behaviour and his relationship with her. If he doesn't do this, he will always be dancing to her tune, at great cost - does he really want that?

I strongly recommend that you read "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward and that you encourage him to read "Toxic Parents" by the same author.

What person expects a someone to not be with their family on Christmas Day? Someone who deliberately sets out to separate them is weird and perhaps controlling.

Has she behaved like this before?

I can see both sides he is probably feeling guilty that she has lost her husband. Yes he probably needs to put boundaries in place. But she is his family too. Maybe he sees it that you are surrounded by your family and she is not. It does sound like she is being a bit awkward and she can’t just have it her way. If your kids aren’t little I don’t think it’s an issue if he isn’t there for a couple of hours as long as he sticks to it. But by next year I think he needs to persuade her to come and not get into the habit of disappearing on Christmas Day. Even if you all did breakfast together and she didn’t want to do lunch she has enough children to have options for the day.

I'd pack a bag for him.
No way would I tolerate my husband behaving like that an prioritising his mother ahead of his children on Christmas day.
What a twat.

@Pollyxplummer Forgive me if I've missed it, but has the suggestion been made that if it's 'just a couple of hours', he could go later in the day? Maybe go out for dinner instead of lunch? Or even a late lunch.

There's not a chance in hell I would be OK with my husband and co-host leaving me in the lurch to cater for 12 people on my own at any time, let alone on Christmas Day, with such a poor excuse.

I can't believe some posters are merrily implying it's perfectly fine for your H to skip off for lunch out with his mother while leaving the 'little woman' to do all the heavy lifting of a meal that he presumably was happy to invite people to.

It’s a very controlling thing to do, especially if she hasn’t discussed her reasoning with you personally.

It sounds like she might fancy the luxury of being in a restaurant for Christmas Day, if she hasn’t done it before. She’s not missing out on the family Christmas because she’s organised that for Boxing Day. If that’s the case, she should go with a friend- not a man with a family… even if he is her son.

If my husband thought this was okay and actually did it, I’d tell him not to bother coming back. This reeks of his lack of respect and appreciation for you.

It's this.
My Grandma was the same. She HAD to host everything, had to be in control.
She didn't like going to someone else's home as she couldn't be "in charge" and if she did go, would always cause a scene and end up leaving early.
Pathetic really.

🙄
It was an entirely appropriate response to a few little convos we were having
Maybe read them.
Also, just like mil can be very needy so can wives apparently, both can't live without a man for a few hours 😅

What sort of woman separates her son from his family on Christmas Day. This is hideous. I would put my foot down on this one and tell my husband he was absolutely not going. So unreasonable.

What the actual fuck?! If you usually get on with your MIL, what on earth is she playing at? And as for your husband, I’d be telling him if he goes out for lunch with his mother then not to bother coming back. I’d be furious!

What about the kids? Will you ridicule them for ‘not being able to be without a man for a few hours’?