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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

628 replies

Pollyxplummer · 07/11/2025 15:39

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

OP posts:
newnamehereonceagain · 07/11/2025 23:07

Totally unreasonable of MIL to ask and your husband to agree to go.

newnamehereonceagain · 07/11/2025 23:07

Totally unreasonable of MIL to ask and your husband to agree to go.

NightDreaming · 07/11/2025 23:16

@Pollyxplummer you’ve invited her. She’s turned you down. Your husband is weirdly choosing to be with her instead of if children (and you of course).

  1. if they manage to book a table and go then be pissed of at your husband and step back from your mil
  2. if they don’t manage to book a table still be pissed of with your husband but do Christmas without your mil (she’s already turned you down, don’t re-invite) and step back from your mil. Sorry your mil is being unreasonable and more sorry your husband is being a complete dick. I’d be fuming.
BarbarasRhabarberba · 07/11/2025 23:31

softlyfallsthesnow · 07/11/2025 17:38

What actual impact? Apart from disrespecting his wife, children, wider family guests and absenting himself from the special meal being prepared, in favour of his mother who he's too afraid to say no to, you don't see a problem.

Are you OP's MiL??

I'm imagining the baffled, wtf, looks on everyone's faces when they turn up on Christmas Day. And the ensuing conversation.

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I just don’t see why it’s an issue or why people ducking out and doing something different/their own thing is a problem. Are people really so uptight they’d actually be offended by this? And no I’m not the MIL 😂 but last year I went solo travelling over Christmas instead of spending it with my partner and his family and would be absolutely fine with my partner doing the same (or going for lunch with his mum without me) so I guess I just don’t get wound up by people not following tradition.

PixieandMe · 07/11/2025 23:31

DingDongJingle · 07/11/2025 16:20

Exactly what I put in my post.

Show quote history

You’re right, actually having thought more about it. I think I was only seeing it from the husband/son POV (wanting to please his mum). But yes, as a mother, I couldn’t expect my adult children to be away from their spouse and children on Christmas Day.

I sit corrected!

BellissimoGecko · 07/11/2025 23:37

No. Just no. He’s being selfish and totally U - as is your MIL. She’s a control freak, not happy until everyone is doing what she wants.

I’d put my foot down on this one. And with the phone calls. She’s taking the piss.

Screamingabdabz · 07/11/2025 23:49

I’d be raging about this and I’d actually call his bluff. No, you’re not happy. It’s completely disrespectful and weird. If he insists on going then he’s fucked Christmas and that’s on him. Then I’d be as cool AF with him from now until New Year.

It’s the absolute selfishness of it, when you’re hosting a big family Christmas meal! I can’t get my head around why he would even think that was acceptable (he’s not got a side thing he’ll be nipping round to see once he’s placated MIL has he? Or maybe MIL is being duped too?)

This would be separation level stuff for me.

JFDIYOLO · 08/11/2025 00:01

A lot has happened to her over the last two years.

Being widowed, becoming estranged from her daughter, retiring - it's not surprising's she's clinging to somebody.

But I wonder why it's your husband who seems to be taking the majority of it? The phone calls, the extraction of him away from his family on Christmas day, even though you're all going to hers on Boxing Day.

Has something happened with the other sons too? Where does he fit in the family - eldest, youngest, middle? Is he the golden boy?

I wonder if she's going to ask him to help prepare for Boxing day, and she needs a second pair of hands?

I'd be very clear with him that you're disappointed and upset he's chosen not to be with his family on Christmas day, when his mother was invited and welcome to join you all AND they'd be seeing each other next day. Then leave it, don't sulk or complain.

And if he decides to go, don't badger him on the day with 'When are you leaving? When will you be home?' messages. Leave him to it. Enjoy the day with your family, with the message that she's going through a difficult time at the moment should anyone ask why they aren't there.

And after Christmas, be super clear that next year you expect him to step up and be present for you and his family and to pull his weight with preparing for the day and not duck out.

RealChristmasBaby · 08/11/2025 00:16

JFDIYOLO · 08/11/2025 00:01

A lot has happened to her over the last two years.

Being widowed, becoming estranged from her daughter, retiring - it's not surprising's she's clinging to somebody.

But I wonder why it's your husband who seems to be taking the majority of it? The phone calls, the extraction of him away from his family on Christmas day, even though you're all going to hers on Boxing Day.

Has something happened with the other sons too? Where does he fit in the family - eldest, youngest, middle? Is he the golden boy?

I wonder if she's going to ask him to help prepare for Boxing day, and she needs a second pair of hands?

I'd be very clear with him that you're disappointed and upset he's chosen not to be with his family on Christmas day, when his mother was invited and welcome to join you all AND they'd be seeing each other next day. Then leave it, don't sulk or complain.

And if he decides to go, don't badger him on the day with 'When are you leaving? When will you be home?' messages. Leave him to it. Enjoy the day with your family, with the message that she's going through a difficult time at the moment should anyone ask why they aren't there.

And after Christmas, be super clear that next year you expect him to step up and be present for you and his family and to pull his weight with preparing for the day and not duck out.

Are you serious?😂

Isthisreasonable · 08/11/2025 00:20

I'd be getting the children to keep ringing their father all through his Xmas spent with his mother.

saraclara · 08/11/2025 00:32

caringcarer · 07/11/2025 22:32

It's very unlikely MiL will be able to book anything on Xmas day this late.

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The gastropubs and restaurants around me are still advertising their Christmas Day menus.

Nevernonono · 08/11/2025 00:57

BarbarasRhabarberba · 07/11/2025 23:31

I just don’t see why it’s an issue or why people ducking out and doing something different/their own thing is a problem. Are people really so uptight they’d actually be offended by this? And no I’m not the MIL 😂 but last year I went solo travelling over Christmas instead of spending it with my partner and his family and would be absolutely fine with my partner doing the same (or going for lunch with his mum without me) so I guess I just don’t get wound up by people not following tradition.

Show quote history

But he is hosting Christmas for his in laws this year, he can’t just duck out of those responsibilities.

The OP says they take it in turns, and had his family last year, did she duck out?

MIL is being manipulative and wants everything her own way, DH has responsibility to his family, not just his DM.

Nevernonono · 08/11/2025 00:58

saraclara · 08/11/2025 00:32

The gastropubs and restaurants around me are still advertising their Christmas Day menus.

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Yeah it’s only two, so probably will get somewhere.

sunshinestar1986 · 08/11/2025 01:26

bridgetreilly · 07/11/2025 23:02

My dad was a farmer, so he always had to do the milking on Christmas Day. It wasn’t optional, but I can assure we always noticed when he wasn’t there, and the first year we no longer had cattle, so he was there all day was wonderful.

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I mean so what if you missed out on a couple of hours?
How did that affect you?
Do you now need therapy? Have trust issues?

Appenzell · 08/11/2025 01:40

This is just about her being in control. She wants her son to herself and wants to prove that she is more important in his life than you are. Your DH is also being an idiot for agreeing to it. I'd be fuming too.

Duckie2025 · 08/11/2025 03:41

He doesn't get to do that without consequences. Show him this thread, make it clear you are not accepting of this ridiculous behaviour. The next conversation you have after that will tell you what to do.

99bottlesofkombucha · 08/11/2025 05:26

Pollyxplummer · 07/11/2025 15:45

He says she hasn't because we're going there boxing day

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But you’re not surely are you? If my husband wants to fuck off out for a couple of hours hosting my family Christmas I don’t need to turn up to his side!!

99bottlesofkombucha · 08/11/2025 05:29

DinoLil · 07/11/2025 15:48

You have your family 100% of the time. Your DH recognises his DM may not be able to face 'company' but would like company iyswim. Why begrudge them a couple of hours when you have the rest of the day?

No she doesn’t. This is the year she is supposed to get her family for Christmas, she says this We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
id say you do realise the dc and I will be with my parents next Christmas Day because hell will freeze over before I regard your family’s Christmas Day as special and my family’s Christmas Day as disposable, so we will just plan my family again next year. If you think that will make your mum unhappy think very carefully about your plans for this year because I wont be negotiating it.

JustMyView13 · 08/11/2025 05:41

This is very bizarre and doesn’t make sense. It’s illogical on all levels for him to go out with MIL. Which leads me to one question…
Is he definitely going out for lunch with MIL or is she covering for him & he’s going to meet someone else?
I just can’t think of any reason why he’d pay to host a huge family Christmas, and then leave all that behind to go out for a paid meal.

Easytoconfuse · 08/11/2025 06:03

Pollyxplummer · 07/11/2025 16:34

I'm going to be very smug about it I'm afraid.

I'm not a saint

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Good for you. Saintliness is much over rated, but here's a radical idea. Put yourself first for a bit. Just half an hour a day that's yours. None of your family will come to a sticky end in that time and you deserve it.

AceKitten · 08/11/2025 06:15

He’s be my ex husband

what a selfish thoughtless useless prick !!!!

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 08/11/2025 06:18

Is there a reason she may feel uncomfortable coming to yours do you think? Is there something else going on for her?

ShamedBySiri · 08/11/2025 06:40

Don’t be silly. There’s no comparison. My father was a farmer too, and we had horses and ponies that had to be mucked out and fed morning and evening. Everyone had chores to do. We all did them and enjoyed the day with the big meal and present opening together after the work was done. Absolutely not the same as a man watching his wife decorate the house, buy a ton of food and then just as the work gets going swan off out and leave her to it.

TorroFerney · 08/11/2025 06:40

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/11/2025 16:25

"MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.

Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago"

I took a couple of things from this.

  1. MIL plays favourites with her children. Three sons and a daughter, sounds as if the daughter was her favourite. Mostly understandable, many women feel closer to daughters than sons. They've had a tiff (did daughter not ask 'how high?' ??) but favourites must still be played and so another child must be brought onto the field as a substitute.
  2. Your husband has felt his non-favourite status keenly. That's why he's responding so eagerly to his promotion to Favoured Child Status. He's so thrilled at his mother's attention, it has blinded him to the wider reality of being not just a son but a husband and father too.

It's all a bit unhealthy, isn't it? For your husband in particular but also for her and his siblings. And it's not doing your marriage any favours either, she's effectively lobbed a hand grenade - and that hand grenade is labelled 'I Am The Woman At The Centre Of My Son's Universe'. That would be in keeping with her matriarch tendencies.

I don't know what I'd do about this. I'd be tempted to phone her up and ask what the bloody hell she thinks she's playing at, but that's just another hand grenade in your marriage, isn't it?

I think I'd keep asking him if he's felt unloved by his mother all this time, envied his sister her Favoured Child Status, maybe be a bit of a bastard and ponder out loud that 'oh well it will all go back to normal once your mum and your sister make up and then you'll remember you've a wife and children but goodness me will your wife remember she has a husband and will your children remember they have a father?' - yes, very OTT but I'm thinking it's only by being extreme will he see his own behaviour as extreme (because it is).

Long-term, I'd be more gentle and would probe into how he feels about his place within his mother's affections, his place within his siblings. But short-term I tend towards shock tactics. This might not be suitable to you though.

(Editted for typos)

Edited

I was going to post along the same lines. For your husband, the one thing he wants has happened - he is the favourite. He's transported to being a little boy and the one thing he has always wanted is happening, mummy wants him, he is her special and chosen boy. He feels he needs to take this opportunity whilst he has it. Childhood scars run deep.

ShamedBySiri · 08/11/2025 06:42

Quote didn’t work but that was re: a pp whose dad was a farmer.