DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

Were your parents like this? It seems cruel for the kids and so upsetting. It’s their Christmas Day ffs :(

Any chance of doing Christmas at your mums? Hell since your dh didn’t care about Christmas with his children sleep over Xmas Eve do the whole of Christmas Day with your mum. After all mums are very important. 😉

The only issue I have with this thread is when you complain about her ringing him. If a man complained that his mil called his wife too much we would say he is being controlling. Why are Mothers not allowed to be close to their adult sons?

I think the important thing to keep in mind here is that your husband is a grown man and this is his choice. As tempting as it might be to see him as in thrall to his mother and this being her fault, she asked, and he could and should have refused her. If he wanted to.
However for reasons known to himself he didn't want to. This is the crux of the issue and what you need to explore. Why is a solo lunch with his mum preferable to dinner with his family? I'm struggling to think of any good reason that speaks positively for him as a husband.

That’s outrageous. If she loved her son she wouldn’t be putting him in this ridiculous position. I have a son and would always want him to put his wife and children first.

calling multiple times a day is weird and controlling. I don’t know anyone getting several calls from their mum a day.

If my mother arrived for Christmas just as DH was heading out she would assume the marriage was on the rocks. There would then be lots of whispering and loaded comments. It wouldn’t make for a good Christmas.

Are you sure your marriage isn’t on the rocks OP? Sometimes the wife is the last to know.

I had an aunt who was "close" to my (useless and awful) dad who essentially wanted to "steal" my and my siblings love and act as a surrogate parent.
there were lots of weird power plays with my mum to let her know who was the matriarch and who was "bottom bitch".
Worst example was prob when she took us all on holiday inc. Dad without my mum!!! When she tried it a second time i refused to go and all hell broke lose...

This is 100% the kind of stunt she'd have pulled.

Its also why i personally would have 0% indulgence for this nonsense.

The cynic in me wonders if there is an inheritance at stake and that's why he's willing to constantly dance to her tune.

Uh huh
So what?
It's his mum and it's Christmas, why deny her Christmas wish?
Like, I can't imagine being that sensitive that I'd care about a lonely old woman's attempt at control.
How does it really affect the day

Of course it affects the day. OP has to do all the prepping, cooking and hosting lunch for 12 while their DC wonder why Dad isn’t eating with them and has gone out. Why should OP’s Xmas wish to have her husband spend the day with them be denied in favour of his mum?

You think it wouldn’t affect the children’s day not to have their dad there? Or OP’s day not to have her husband there? Ummmm.

For a couple of hours?
Erm no

It it’s so weird. Like why would a grown man, with a wife and kids of his own, want to spent 2 hours going out for lunch with his mum whilst his wife and kids are basically having a Christmas party.

I love my mum don’t get me wrong but seriously?!?

OP and her husband are hosting 12 people for dinner besides them having children. This is a big deal.

He just dumped all the prep and serving and hosting plus watching the kids on her.

On Xmas Day.

He's going to leave her alone. There's no way taking his mom out will be an hour or two.

It really does speak of a marriage on the rocks when the husband decides to not spend Xmas with his own wife and kids and their guests.

I don't think I could forgive my H if he did this.

His mother is being controlling and selfish, ensuring her grandchildren don’t see their dad for lunch on Christmas Day, and he’s enabling her.

He needs to stand up to her.

He's missing the main family bit - the meal. And it's unreasonable. I would not expect my DS or DD or DSS to take me out to lunch on Christmas Day when there is a large family party booked and I am invited! If I chose not to go I would not ask any of those going to be with me instead.
And it's not just a couple of hours, it will be all afternoon. Stupid plan. MiL welcome at DDiL's house, why would she not come? Her DH died two years ago and yes, it's still raw and miserable (I know this, my DH died 18 mths ago I miss him like Hell but I don't go and latch onto my DC to put me before all other arrangements - that's not fair) and it's sad but one gets up and gets on with it.

But not a caring father.

His priority should be to his children, not his mother.

Some people have such low standards on MN. Thinking it’s fine for their husband to leave his wife and kids over Xmas dinner to go and have turkey with his mum instead. His mum who was invited over and whom he will be visiting the next day. Raise your bar.

His mother should be ashamed for potentially causing such ructions in her son’s marriage

My mum doesn't have the room, she's downsized to a small flat

It's very unlikely MiL will be able to book anything on Xmas day this late.

She will probably cook dinner for her and her son instead - which is possibly what she had in mind all along.

That’s a shame.

A few haven sites are open for Christmas this year if you fancy a pool and sea view.

I’ve contemplated it myself 😅

My dad was a farmer, so he always had to do the milking on Christmas Day. It wasn’t optional, but I can assure we always noticed when he wasn’t there, and the first year we no longer had cattle, so he was there all day was wonderful.