DH wants to leave his family to go out with his mum on Christmas day.

[Pollyxplummer]

EDIT - MISTAKE IN TITLE, HIS MUM, NOT HIS MIL

Long story short, MIL has fallen out with her daughter who she used to spend a lot of time with.
Since then, she's been spending a lot of time with DH, meeting up with him and suchlike but she also rings him several times a day. She's newly retired and sadly lost her husband two years ago
This Christmas I am hosting for my family, there are 12 of us and I am cooking a big dinner. MIL is 100% welcome to come if she wants to and this has been made clear to her. She also has two other sons and their families she could go to, and also probably her daughter still
Instead of taking up any of these options, she's asked DH to come out for lunch with her, just the two of them and he's said yes.
DH doesn't understand what my problem is, he says he's still spending Christmas morning with us and is only popping out for a couple of hours then coming back. I can't understand why he would choose to go and hang out with his mother for 2 hours at Christmas instead of eating the food I've cooked at home with his wife and two children and his in-laws, with whom he gets on very well, and why he's just run straight there when she's crooked her finger instead of telling her to stop being silly and go eat with someone or stay on her own if she doesn't want to.
I should add - as this is important - the entire family are all going round to hers on boxing day and having a Christmas dinner then too, so she still gets to see everyone. We tend to alternate between in-laws and she hosted Christmas day last year and we all went.
AIBU? Should I just suck it up? Or would you be upset?

I mean, and I don’t want to over state but this is divorce territory for me, that DH would even want to.

and wtf with MIL, I would now be living to wind her up.

ok so how about you offer to book the Christmas dinner for them. Pretend it’s for the two of them but really book for everyone and everyone go at the same time. Would be very funny (and expensive but you said mil loves to pay) win win

My DM would have never pulled a stunt like that. Your MIL is very selfish. And yes, my DM lost our DF and had to cope with all the upsetting 'firsts'. She would have never expected us to sacrifice a kids xmas for hers. How can anyone think that depriving kids of their Dad on Xmas day is ok. The Xmas dinner is the main event (plus presents for kids). He'll be gone for a big chunk of the day.
As MN is fond of saying, you have a DH problem. He should have told her quite clearly that it wasn't on.

If be absolutely furious. How do they both think taking a father away from his children on Christmas Day is warranted?! We also eat out on Christmas Day and it’s never two hours! Last year it was 4 hours long. U wouldn’t bank on him being back in the door after only two hours.

Hardly the same is it?

I think you really need a sit down talk about this.

If he's totally firm on only spending the morning with you and your kids and taking his mom out and you know it will be for the rest of the day, think very seriously about canceling your hosting. 12 people is a lot when it's only you doing the work and cleanup with kids to watch on top of cooking and serving and cleanup. I think you'll be overwhelmed.

I'm a widow. What she's doing is awful and there's no excuse for taking him away from his family on Xmas Day.She's making him choose between his wife and kids and her on a holiday that should be all about the kids. That your husband's going along with it means he has poor boundaries and doesn't look at priorities.

Popping over to hers with one of the kids in tow for a coffee, annoying as gets out of prepping food, but kind of ok.

Going out for Christmas dinner with Mum on their own just the two of them, outrageous, that's the bit you do with your own family.

It's not ok at all, just very symbolic all round. Plus he'll be ditched next year (in fact he might be ditched before Christmas if her and dd make up).

Let him off. My husband did this too for years, although was bringing me with him, until I said no I’m staying at home and off you go.

He realised how stupid it was and stopped. Let him off. That’s my advice. Idiot of a man. .

I’d be livid.

I would completely lose my shit over this.

What will his siblings think about this? Boxing Day sounds like it will be incredibly awkward and odd.

He is willing to damage his relationship with you, his DC, his in-laws and his siblings to bow down to his mother on her power trip.How incredibly hurtful.

Id tell him if he wants alone time with his mum he should organise to go for afternoon tea and Christmas cake. If he goes along with this outrageously rude request of MILs everyone will think your marriage is on the rocks. Ask him point blank if that is the case. See what he says. If he thinks it’s not, tell him that it will be if he does this

This! It’s easy to make it about the adults but the kids get deeply upset. DD 13 was devastated when DH spent his 40th with his family of origin over the family he made.
sorry I forgot to tag the poster who said about how the kids will observe this pattern of behaviour and be hurt by it.

I’m incredibly easygoing but MIL is totally out of order taking your DH away from the family at lunchtime.
So so rude and unkind.
And DH for agreeing with her is unforgivable.
I wouldn’t be welcoming either of them back after that.
I feel very sad for you.

Bloody hell. I sure as hell would not be going to hers for boxing day.

She sounds really controlling and he sounds like a pathetic mummy's boy. Tell him to go back to hers after lunch and stay there for her boxing day showing off, in fact he can stay permanently.

I’m trying to think to the future and if I arrived at my child’s house for Christmas dinner a meal I knew her mother in law was invited too. Then her dh went out with mil instead. I’d think your relationship was on the rocks badly and you were trying to hide it from me and putting on a brave face by not letting me know about the upcoming divorce over the Christmas period.

This. It would be something of a dealbreaker for me.

I'm not one to think couples need to be glued together at all times but hosting a Christmas dinner is one of those times. He needs to tell MIL either she joins your party and exerts herself to be festive and pleasant, or he'll see her on Boxing Day.

What an absolutely entitled and selfish creep she is.

I’d be angry, you’re hosting, as a team and he’s decided to opt out and being a total cunt about it.

Agree with everyone else ,they are both taking the piss .She can stick boxing day up her arse .

Good points about it being a terrible example for the kids, to go off to a private meal. WTF is wrong with MIL that she can't socialize with your family for a few hours?

If this really happens, good-bye Boxing Day. I'd organize something festive to take the children to, even if only a trip to the cinema. F MIL.

I get severe sickness in cars as a passenger so I drive as much as I can. But I’m guessing with her she will never be passenger unless it suits? I bet she’s fine with your husband driving her?

im really pissed off on your behalf and I’d make my husband explain to my children why he won’t be there on Christmas. It’s cruel. I would not tolerate it at all op!!

There’s zero chance I’d go boxing days to her house.

I’d also not be going there Boxing Day if their plan goes ahead.

Slight derail but get your DH this ugly Xmas jumper to wear to the Xmas meal with his mum
wanderprints.com/en-gb/products/christmas-just-a-mom-and-her-boy-personalized-unisex-ugly-sweater-tb633cin2621?variant=50391592239387&utm_source=google-uk&utm_content=SWTB633CIN2621-kid-2XS&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=22859354849&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22859355773&gbraid=0AAAAA_F_CxFyN5GICkrVMnx4GNlWMQ1Th&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIqp6mjungkAMV6ptQBh0UwD3tEAQYASABEgIbDPD_BwE

This is a hill i'd die on....

If my dh planned to fuck off out with his mother on xmas day shunning his children and his wife he could fuck off out properly and go live with her and id be looking to separate and I'd mean it.

I'd tell him very clearly if he goes, he is not to come back.

I grew up with this game playing nonsense and have zero time for it.

This is absolute bullshit situation of his making a normal person would have said "no mum thats ridiculous. Come spend the day with us and your GC." He needs to get a spine start "picking" his wife.

Great plan because hosting 12 alone is too much! Say you will all join their lunch out 😆 then watch them panic.

I think it’s utterly discraceful behaviour from the pair of them because she has been invited to you (crucial point) I would just tell him to go though at this point, what’s the point in having him home if he would rather be on his own with his Mum? (fucking weirdos) I would sit back and watch as it all unfolds because, let’s face it, it will be a disaster. You concentrate on having the best time with your own family and don’t hide what he’s doing, when asked, state without emotion where he has gone. I think that they’ll have a miserable time personally and that they’ll struggle to find anywhere now. I would question whether the marriage is salvageable but I would worry about that after Christmas when I had seen how it pans out. I think they’ll come running to you with their tail between their legs and I hope that if he does go out with her that people comment to him that they think it’s odd.