DH didn’t get DD anything but got his nieces

[Emsieo]

This week DH was in New York on a business trip, he got back this morning. We have 2 children DS is 8 and DD is 6. He also has 2 nieces who are 2 and 4. While on his trip he went to the American Girl Doll store and got a doll for both of his nieces, he told me his SIL sent him the money and told him what to get and it’s for their Christmas. I asked if he didn’t think to get DD one and he shrugged and said doesn’t she already have loads of dolls. She does but she adores dolls and would absolutely love an American girl doll, they aren’t easy to get in the uk so she will likely never have one.
Its upset me that he made all the effort to go to a store filled with things DD would love and didn’t think to get her one for her Christmas. He says if I knew she wanted one I should have told him like SIL did. I feel as a father he should have been able to think for himself and get her one.

AIBU?

He is equally her parent though, he should be able to do some of the emotional labour around their shared child’s potential Christmas gifts rather than having to be explicitly told.

I just don't understand how "man doesn't buy doll that daughter hasn't asked for" can be such an issue.

Maybe every time I went into Currys to look at washing machines I should have bought a new game for the kids just because. How dare I go to a shop and not buy anything for them, right?

I’m with him on this. He was picking up presents for Christmas his sister had asked him to get and was paying for. Your title implies that he bought gifts for his nieces of his own bat but left out his own children. That’s not what happened. He went on an errand at his sisters request. I travel for business regularly. If I brought my kids back an expensive gift every time I went I’d be bankrupt. Your DD already has loads of dolls. If my DD already had loads of dolls I can’t imagine wanting to bring another into the house.

Re: spending "hundreds" - Im assuming op has the budget and knows her DDs likes, with her being the mum and not a random MNer.

Ive bought my DC gifts costing a fair bit without them specifically needing to give me a brand name 🤷‍♀️ thought that was fairly normal for a parent when the child is very young if its affordable.

He did get her a gift, just not a ridiculous over-priced one.

I hate buying stuff overseas just for the sake of it. I would not assume my daughter wanted an American doll. And my hubby would have no idea what to buy without direction from me.

The real issue is you are your hubby have poor communication. Or is money tight at the moment - maybe he was not keen to spend the money or thinks your daughter has enough dolls.

Not when the item costs £££s and the child can tell you what they want.

Oh, a magnet and some American sweeties. Doesn't that just warm the ❤️?

On the face of it, I'm not convinced the issues of favouritism or thoughtlessness lies entirely with the husband in this scenario.

OP doesn't appear upset that her husband returned with a derisory present for their son, just that their daughter has been short-changed compared to her cousins.

As a mum of several daughters and sons if this is all you want to gripe about then I doubt your marriage will last.

Fair enough I suppose.

I always had a really good idea of what my DC were into and loved surprising them with things at that very young age.

I'm assuming the dad knows his 6 year old daughter won't care about it when she already has loads of dolls.

For an expensive Christmas present? Yes I generally get them things they want!

I wouldn’t spend $135 on a doll not including the different taxes on a child who already has plenty of dolls and that includes my own daughter.

I also wouldn’t spend twice that since I wouldn’t feel comfortable getting such an expensive gift for one child and not the other when they are that young.

As other posters pointed out, nowhere does it say that their daughter even asked for an American Girl doll.

I'm on team husband here. My husband would not have a clue what doll to get for our daughter, or anyone else's kid, but would go somewhere to buy one if given very specific instructions (and ideally a photo) of what to get. Doesn't make him a crap dad. It sounds like the SIL in the OP did give him explicit directions. I suppose he could have called the OP and asked if their daughter would like one.

Many men are fucking stupid and incapable and need stuff spelling out to them. I would assume your husband is one of these rather than an arsehole.

Or he’s an equal parent that can decide what he wants or doesn’t want to buy his children. Why is he either an idiot or nasty? Why isn’t he just a parent who didn’t buy something for his children. Why is this a problem?

But AG is a whole different culture. Girls spend ages pouring over what doll they want, can spend years collecting them and many keep them as heirlooms. There’s movies about these dolls, chat rooms for kids dedicated to them too. The dolls also hold their value well, if you want to sell. They are a big investment.

Parents definitely do not on a whim, buy an AGD on the off chance their kid might like them.

Not only does it take the fun and excitement out of getting their first AGD for a girl, no parent would want to risk getting it wrong.

These dolls all have their own books and back stories. Girls enjoy reading all about the named dolls, their character/personality, their interests and hobbies and connect with a particular doll. You don’t just pick one because it looks pretty.

This is why the OP is being really unreasonable.

He’s a total arse.

Imagine not knowing that your dd would like something to the extent that you would have to be told specifically by your partner that they would like it.

Does he not know his child at all?

I also find it baffling that he didn’t thing to get one or at the very least to check with you.

I feel as a father he should have been able to think for himself and get her one.

Why can't he think for himself & not get one though?

See, “I feel as a father he should have been able to think for himself and get her one.” this is your problem.

Sounds like he’s one of those shit men who don’t participate in family life then get all pissy when you point out they should know this stuff. They’re a bit rubbish at being husbands and dads. Always frustrating and disappointing.

I’m speaking from experience as mine never really engaged with family life then recently announced he doesn’t feel part of the family and would probably like a divorce. In fact, he hasn’t actually told me he wants a divorce so I’ve been handling that too!

Agree.

Doubt the posters saying this would be saying the same thing if it had been a mother who chose not to spend over £100 on a doll knowing that their child already has plenty of dolls to begin with.

What? No parent has ever bought their child one of these dolls without the kid carefully selecting the exact one?

Im fairly sure that cannot be true. Infact, im 100% sure.

I was intrigued by all the people excusing the DH so i did the big mumsnet nono and asked my own DH.
He said: at the point SIL asked him to get the doll, he would have asked me if i thought it would be something our DD would like.

Too bloody easy.

I'd have been horrified if my DH had spent what they cost on such a hideous doll, whether it would've been for Christmas or not. Frankly, a child would get more benefit from a magnet.

If they do, then they are spoiling the joy for the child.
These dolls are typically bought for girls 8+ because of books that come with the dolls and being able to read all about the AGD stories/ personalities. In addition to actual cost of them, slightly older girls take better care of them.

As I say, it’s a whole culture, that you either know about or you don’t. Clearly the OP has no idea about how the AGD world operates.