DH didn’t get DD anything but got his nieces

[Emsieo]

This week DH was in New York on a business trip, he got back this morning. We have 2 children DS is 8 and DD is 6. He also has 2 nieces who are 2 and 4. While on his trip he went to the American Girl Doll store and got a doll for both of his nieces, he told me his SIL sent him the money and told him what to get and it’s for their Christmas. I asked if he didn’t think to get DD one and he shrugged and said doesn’t she already have loads of dolls. She does but she adores dolls and would absolutely love an American girl doll, they aren’t easy to get in the uk so she will likely never have one.
Its upset me that he made all the effort to go to a store filled with things DD would love and didn’t think to get her one for her Christmas. He says if I knew she wanted one I should have told him like SIL did. I feel as a father he should have been able to think for himself and get her one.

AIBU?

The more responses I read on this thread the more I'm team husband.

Why does a 6yo who already has, by OP's own admission, 'loads of dolls' need another one costing £150+? Just because her cousins have will one?

Everyone claiming they would be devasted by this and that this shows how low the bar is for men really needs to get some perspective.

I (and my teenage children would possibly begrudgingly accept) do buy them quite a lot of what they want and perhaps spoil them a little

BUT

even I wouldn’t buy this unless she asked or (as in the case of the SIL here) wanted one myself

they need to be something you are aware of

OP, you are conflating two issues.

First, that he bought the dolls but they were NOT presents for his nieces from him. He was just doing an errand for his sister.

Second, that he was in a toy shop without buying presents for your children. Who already have plenty. Little gifts like, say, sweets and a magnet, when Daddy goes away for work are fine, but I think it’s a terrible idea to get into the habit of buying large presents for that. Your DD has plenty of dolls, unlike her much younger cousins. Why on earth would he get her another, very expensive one, just because?

YABVU. Not least for ignoring your son.

I understand how you are feeling disappointed with him for not throwing in another doll for your child even if some think the cost is prohibitive. I think if this was me and my DH there would be a number of reasons for my annoyance.
1 My DH can be quite tight, he would say sensible with money and he doesn’t have a natural generosity or impulsiveness that I have and delight in giving a big surprise.
2 My DH would also probably be quite stressed in that store (it’s huge) trying to find and purchase the items for his sister. He would see it as a task and also possibly an annoying interruption in his schedule but would want to please her so would be in tick it off the list mode.
3 From my point of view as others suggested I would be raging on seeing the dolls brought home that I hadn’t requested one for DD. If you were unaware of the dolls before how could you even know to request one.
4 I’d also be a bit annoyed sil hadn’t given me the heads up to ask for one for my dd.
5 and finally with 2 girls here having been introduced to AG by a friend prior to my first visit to NYC I would say wait until next year when your DD is 7 and order a catalogue or go online with her and show her the AG world!! We have had about 5 Christmas’s here filled with AG magic and hours and hours of play all year round. My dds friends also fell in love with the dolls. youngest dd is 11 now and still plays with them. You can buy accessories and clothes secondhand in the U.K. so not always necessary to ship or wait for someone going to US. The Our Generation clothes and accessories all fit the AG dolls too.
HTH

I’d say not a big deal too. I wouldn’t expect a man to know about American girl dolls compared to any other dolls so his comment she has loads is probably valid.
The men I’ve been with do stuff as asked, but don’t think thoughtful on their own accord.

4 I’d also be a bit annoyed sil hadn’t given me the heads up to ask for one for my dd.

Why would you have that expectation for your SIL to think to tell you to pick up something for your own child?

American Girl dolls are expensive and it’s only cost effective if you buy them one as a young toddler so they have a good run with it. I wouldn’t be paying £150+ for a doll for a 6 yo either - she’ll be onto the next new thing in a year / two.

Or actually read OP’s comments.

She led others to believe that he picked nothing up for their own kids when he did and is annoyed that he didn’t buy yet another doll for their DD when she has plenty. He made a decision as a parent himself and nothing is stopping OP for still getting one for their DD if it’s such a big deal. I easily found a website that sells them just by typing it into Google. Took under 10 seconds.

I bet if he had picked one up and it hadn’t been right or didn’t seem as good to her as what SIL paid for, she would be posting here about that.

My own DH has travelled for work and bought things back from NY for both children. It never occurred to me to get annoyed over what he didn’t bring back or what he picked up for others because it’s a business trip.

I can see an issue if he didn’t tell OP he was doing this favour for SIL, but other then that, I don’t think he did anything wrong.

TBH if I were in the OP's DH place I would have been annoyed at being handed a shopping list by a family member which involved trawling round a toy shop in an unfamiliar city....the very last thing I would personally want to do when I am travelling on a (likely busy and stressful) business trip. Of course I don't know their situation and there may be a big back story, eg DH specifically offered/is taking plenty of leisure time when there/SIL has done the same for DH in the past.

But I speak as someone whose DS is obsessed with flight docs such as used boarding passes/luggage labels, and loves receiving them from family & friends who have travelled. I just blanket remind people to pass them on if they think of it but would never ask someone about to travel, to put them under an obligation or feel guilty if they forget....because I know how stressful travelling can be, even for holidays let alone work trips

It would be best if DH had thought his DD might like one too but I would guess that having rushed around buying these dolls during his business trip at SIL's bidding - for the OP to complain about no doll for DD once he returns home - he would feel he can't do anything right or please everyone.

Thoughtless certainly.

Because he didnt want to spend over £100 on a plastic doll?

There's better presents, you can get a six year old, than that for the money.

The only thing wrong with this situation is OP's husband agreeing to such a silly task in the first place. It's not the 90s - you can buy this overpriced shite online all over the western world with a couple of taps.

Given the wider context its the sort of thing I’d at least mention to my wife.

Did he show the dolls to her that are for his nieces from their mum / dad etc? They’re not from him are they? Did he get your son something and only leave his daughter out?

He is just picking up something for someone else - I’m not sure, if he was discrete, it concerns you tbh. On the other hand it is mean to travel to somewhere, like NY, and bring nothing for your children (unless he goes all the time) - but it didn’t have to be a doll.

This!

Same way you go into the supermarket and not think to msg if partner needs anything.
He'd have been thinking about work, flights and the inconvenience of looking for said dolls.
Like you said, he brought them something, so a bit of misleading title.

Agree.

Not an arse at all. Just typical male behaviour

I don’t know why this is still going on.

If he had bought the dolls as a present for his nieces from himself and not his DD that would be odd.

But to buy as a favour with his sister’s money two dolls that she wants to give them for Christmas, I don’t see why he would relate them to his DD.

I’m sure she’s got plenty of dolls and if she wants another one there are 1000s to choose from in U.K. toy shops. Ok he might have said “I’m getting these for DSIS are they things DD might like”? But the fact he didn’t hardly passes comment imo.

Genuinely, if my sister had asked me to pick a up a couple of specific dolls in NY I’m not sure I would have connected that to my DD either.

As a bloke he may have thought (as indeed do I) that they look like any other kind of doll so they may not have struck him in any way.

I also think there's an element of this.

Op doesn't seem to have thought of it until she realised her nieces were getting them.

If it was so important to her that her daughter has one she would surely have asked her husband to get one?

It doesn't seem to be important to their daughter.

I’d be furious at this. Because there’s no way you would have done the same is there OP? Likewise there’s no way I’d buy something for my nieces and not consider if my own daughter would also want one. I’d have got my own child one before my nieces even if my brother had asked me. It’s truly weird as hell he didn’t think about her. I agree American dolls are a bit of a weird gift for a 2yr old too.

he most definitely should have got one doe his daughter and whatever else for his son.

Also - if he didn’t think of getting DD a present from NY - neither did OP.

She could have asked him to buy a Christmas present for both kids from NY if she felt like that would be special.

Why is she blaming him for something she didn’t think of either?

The only online place to buy them in the UK marks them up - they're almost 200 pounds. Whereas in the US they're $135 plus a bit of tax, which works out to about 100 pounds. So it's much cheaper to get them if you happen to be over there.

I'm familiar with the line, and I think buying such an expensive doll for a 2-year-old is crackers. They say on the boxes 8-plus, anyway.