Petty issue now a big issue, because he swore on my deathbed

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

We had an anniversary recently. I bought my gift for him well in advance. He went to Asda on the day and clobbered together a gift bag of stuff. All nice enough, but I did mention it was a bit late in the day. One of the gifts was pyjamas. He swore they'd been in his boot for a week. I raised and eyebrow and he swore on my deathbed. Well, today I have found the receipt in the bottom of a bag and he was lying, he did buy them on the day. I now care more about the lying than the fact he bought stuff on the day. Would this bother anyone else?

You're just repeating yourself now, OP, and not engaging with what anyone is saying unless they agree with you.

What do you want from this thread?

You’re getting a hard time here Op. yes in the grand scheme of things, it’s PJs at the end of the day. But I get why you’re annoyed with the lying. There’s no reason for it. And you’re right, it would make you doubt anything he says in the future, little or big.

To be fair swearing on your life, or your mothers life, or your child’s life is pretty meaningless. I have yet to meet anyone weeping because they swore on their mothers life and she keeled over in the kitchen and died on the spot.

It’s supposed to add extra conviction to your statement, like ‘may god strike me down dead if I am telling a lie’.
But in this case he wished the striking down dead on his partner.

Swear on your life/deathbed/pinky promise is all nonsense.

Why does it matter if he bought the gifts on the day? You are not ‘better’ because you bought yours in advance. Who cares?

yes but that's on him and it is easily disprovable. So you'Re going on holiday. You say "cancel the milk" and he confirms that he has.

You come back to 14 bottles of milk in varying stages of curdled - it is easy to say "why did you say you cancelled the milk when you hadn't?" Then you have another discussion about lying and consequences.

However. You sound overly anxious about it and i wonder if you are cut out for a relationship with this man?

I don't think lying is good in a relationship. But in this case, he probably felt cornered by you for making such a fuss about the presents - it was a white lie to stop you from having a go at him and/or to stop you from being upset that the gifts were not pre planned before the actual day.

I struggle with the expectation people sometimes have - like in this instance - where one partner goes all out for gifts, anniversaries etc and the other doesn't. You might think that he should go all out because you do - but why are you right? Why so much emphasis and importance on planning and purchasing gifts?

I'd also be worried about you checking receipts etc as if there is a lack of trust. Clearly your past relationships have impacted how you feel today and that is understandable - perhaps there is some work you can do on this to avoid overreactions like this in future.

I believe in the importance of honesty but this sounds very minor. You're the one who put pressure on him because you wanted him to have bought your present some time ago, as if that makes it more valid in some way. Not everyone is organised or likes to plan ahead. As long as a present isn't late, what does it matter? Everyone tells lies- white lies to smooth things over are common.(e.g. I had a great holiday thank you - meaning I don't want to tell you my family problems).

You could have just teased him having found the receipt.

Honestly, I find lying exhausting. My sibling still tells me lies. Takes me ages to get to the truth (usually something about our parents), which is a huge rigmarole when I could have just been told the truth in the first place! Does my head in. Just be HONEST!

I don’t tolerate lied and I broke up my first marriage for what some would consider petty white lies. If they cant be honest about the basics then you can’t truest them at all.

That said, you it could have just been grateful instead of picking holes because he left it ‘late in the day’ - a lot of people lie when they don’t need to to try and avoid conflict and it does sound like you were trying to create some.

He got it anniversary gifts. You simply should have left it there. Why did it even matter when he bought them? You sound hard work and about 12!

He didn't cover up an affair. You made a big and completely unnecessary hooha about the day he bought the gifts. Says more about you than him that he didn't dare to tell you when he purchased it.

Swearing on anything is pointless & childish to me. You believe what someone is saying or you don’t is how I live, so no I wouldn’t have an issue with it other than thinking it was silly. In your situation, you obviously do take stuff like that seriously, I see this as more of a white lie because you were taking issue with the gift though. I don’t think this means he’s a serial liar and cheat though, just a bad call in an awkward situation 🤷🏻‍♀️

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad rule of thumb: Anyone who swear on anyones deathbed, or life, or anything important is a liar.

Honestly, I completely see where you are coming from. There's never any needs for lies like this and it makes you wonder just what else that person is dishonest about - the wondering 'is this also a lie' is exhausting. I couldn't do it tbh.

But how would you react to the truth?

Well, any liar could say that! "Yes, I lied, but you made me do it!"

I would say it was a white lie . You have made a point in saying that you bought his present in advance, that's he'd cobbled stuff together and that you already had two new sets of pyjamas , so he knew you'd be upset/annoyed with him.

Sometimes there is truth in it. Are you prone to overreactions and lectures?

I would imagine your husband would consider this a white lie. He is sparing your feelings, because you might be hurt to think he hadn't thought of you earlier, whereas more likely he's just a typical adult with a lot on his plate who lost track of time and had to do some last minute shopping.

What's all this swearing on peoples life stuff? Madness. I opened the thread imagining you dying your partner telling you to Fuck off and you had a magical recovery and wanted to leave him

I can see where you're coming from. I hate lies, big or small. Like you say, it creates an issue with uncertainty and trust.

However, LOADS of people are habitual liars. They'll say any old shit to get themselves out of a tight spot.
Swearing on someone's 'deathbed' is basic and nonsensical. It holds no weight. I don't think it makes a lie worse in any significant way...it's just stupid.

He lied because he wanted to appear/feel/do better than he had. You told him off for being last-minutey and he deflected with childish drivel.
It's pathetic...but remember, also very common. How you feel abpout that is up to you.

He probably lied because he didn’t want a big argument

Agree. He was trying to placate OP.

If he’d truthfully said he forgot the date, or thought it was stupid to make a big fuss, she would have stropped about that, too.

He was in a no-win situation.

The “swearing” stuff is silly and juvenile, though.

I’d be disappointed that the stuff was from Asda to be honest. It smacks of just rushing round grabbing anything. The lying adds another layer

You probably do. Haven't you ever told someone they look great in an outfit when you really think they look crap?
This all seems a big drama over very little. Move on..

How many times are you asking him? Let it be his problem

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad do you feel as though he chose (hypothetically speaking of course!) to let you die as opposed to admit that he lied? Or does lying and not caring is what bohers you here, i.e. you would have felt the same if he just lied (without swearing on your life/deathbed as you put it)?