Petty issue now a big issue, because he swore on my deathbed

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

We had an anniversary recently. I bought my gift for him well in advance. He went to Asda on the day and clobbered together a gift bag of stuff. All nice enough, but I did mention it was a bit late in the day. One of the gifts was pyjamas. He swore they'd been in his boot for a week. I raised and eyebrow and he swore on my deathbed. Well, today I have found the receipt in the bottom of a bag and he was lying, he did buy them on the day. I now care more about the lying than the fact he bought stuff on the day. Would this bother anyone else?

Yeah, OP's DH lying to her then doing histrionics about it is definitely petty. Not!

OP, I'm with you. Forgetting an anniversary, I can live with. Out and out lying, and digging in about it, I would hate.

I think you need to self reflect and question why he felt the need to lie to you.

Swearing on anything doesn’t mean a thing. We used to say it as children and be lying through our teeth.

Any adult who sets any store by it appears pretty immature to me.

Everyone lies a little from time to time. He lied because you were making a big fuss about when the pjs were bought and he wanted to shut it down. He should have just told you to cop yourself on.
You sound really difficult actually.

Well I think it's an unusual person who never lies. Maybe you're that unicorn, I don't know, but I'd say most of us have complimented a bad haircut or claimed to have remembered meeting someone we actually have no recollection of whatsoever.

Your husband told a minor lie to spare your feelings. If you'd liked the gift, it wouldn't actually matter whether he'd bought it on the day or the week before. In my view, the real issue is that he put no thought into your gift.

See you are being difficult and twisting want everyone's saying. Do you do that to him?

No one's saying it was OK for him to lie. People have said you backed him into a corner over something ridiculous.

Well, I agree, but equally, I don't think people should interrogate their spouses about when they purchased gifts.

You will each have to decide whether or not you are willing to live with each other's shortcomings. That's kind of how marriage works.

You will never change him. But you can change yourself.

You are fussy, ungracious, high-maintenance, and hard to please.
He is thoughtless, lazy, self-centred, and doesn't care about you enough to get appropriate gifts for you.
When you "investigate" what he does or doesn't do, he gets defensive. Then he lies to shut you up.

You will never be able to stop him lying, and will never trust him.
But you can try to stop "investigating" and let things go. That might ease his defensiveness.

Ultimately - do you want this relationship to succeed, even if that means accepting he is a liar?

Lying is a huge issue for me. I grew up with a sibling who lied constantly, and still does to this day. Many, many lies have been told about me. BIG lies. Maybe that's made me over sensitive, but I pride myself on being an honest person. A white lie - to spare someones feelings - fine. Lying in general - not fine.

No one has said that. Obviously lying isn't good - but you think swearing on your deathbed somehow makes it worse, which is nonsense. I can see why he felt he had to lie because you had the gifts in time, just not far in advance enough to be acceptable to you. Seems a bit like you're looking for an issue when there isn't one.

If he lies and that is unacceptable to you, that is the issue you need to talk about, calmly

I understand what you’re saying about lying. It’s horrible even when it’s small stuff. It’s also not nice that he wasn’t very thoughtful for your anniversary.

Only you know if he lies all the time and is generally a complete shit. If he’s generally ok then I’d probably let the small stuff slide.

Right. Now we have got to the crux.

First off: you need to tell him that by leaving a gift to the last minute he didn't have time to plan and he gave you a load of shite that you either don'T need or can't use. Can you at least return the Pyjamas?

So now you need to be clear with him about what are appropriate gifts for occasions like anniversaries, birthdays and christmas. And that if he feels he can't work it out, you can give him very specific lists/links and that from now on, all gifts must come from the list. (range of prices etc)

As for the lying. This is clearly a very big issue for you. You two need to talk about this in a rational way. You can use the example of your ex- swearing on your life and it being a lie and how much that hurts you and how that makes someone untrustworthy. And now your current DH has done the same thing, lied, sworn on your life, and been found out. How does he proprose to redeem himself in your eyes so that you can trust him again?

I am interested though: do you ask them to swear on your life? that is very silly and you need to stop if that is the case.
The normal way to swear something, is on a holy book or on your own life. Not someone elses. You both need to pack that in, it is childish.

You're totally not out of whack.

And I'd ask him one more time. Wait for him to lie. And then produce the receipt. Tell him he's a fucking arse.

I’d never ask anyone to swear anything on my deathbed - it’s pretty meaningless isn’t it really?

So you keep saying, OP. But you're not engaging with any of the posts pointing out that you were also at fault, nor are you saying what you plan to do about it.

We get it, you don't like lying. So now what?

Agreed, he does sound pretty immature.

Sounds like a weird relationship (with a bad grasp of the English Language) but if you can't trust him not to lie to you its over.
My cousin got a divorce over a stupid lie about a plant, and I didn't blame her

But wasn't his a white lie to spare your feelings? You wanted to believe he'd planned a bit more, he didnt think it mattered.

Perhaps you should accept that his lies are white lies to spare your feelings - i.e. he didn't want you to realise he was lazy, thoughtless and uncaring, because that would hurt you.
The lie was to protect you as much as him
Would telling yourself this work for you?

Who on earth, over the age of 12, swears on death beds/ mothers graves/ cross heart?

Totally ridiculous issue.

Yes, I'd have an issue with lying but it seems you made a really big deal out of something you shouldn't have and pushed him to tell a small lie.

You both sound hard work and poorly suited.

I totally get where you are coming from. My husband will lie about stupid little things that don’t really matter, except then I don’t know what else he might be lying about! I absolutely hate being lied to and he knows that, so I get much more annoyed about the lie than the thing he is lying about.

I'm with you OP. THe lying would be a serious concern for me. If you can lie about pyjamas so easily, what else do you think its ok to lie about. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where lying to each other is ok, as long as they are considered little lies.

I initially thought the OP was dying and he bought pjs, kept them in his boot for a week, then she was annoyed she was only getting them just before she died and he swore at her.

This was a white lie to spare your feelings.
If the gift was thoughtless, bring that up with him. Quizzing him on when pjs were purchased and digging through receipts is just looking for an argument.

I reckon if you did a survey of people who had been married for, say, 10+ years, you would be hard pressed to find many people who could honestly say that they had never told a single white lie to their spouse.

But if you decide that you can't tolerate it, then I guess you have the option of ending the relationship.