Petty issue now a big issue, because he swore on my deathbed

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

We had an anniversary recently. I bought my gift for him well in advance. He went to Asda on the day and clobbered together a gift bag of stuff. All nice enough, but I did mention it was a bit late in the day. One of the gifts was pyjamas. He swore they'd been in his boot for a week. I raised and eyebrow and he swore on my deathbed. Well, today I have found the receipt in the bottom of a bag and he was lying, he did buy them on the day. I now care more about the lying than the fact he bought stuff on the day. Would this bother anyone else?

What does swearing on someone's life (or deathbed) actually mean though. I've never really understood it. Do people actually do that irl?

The lying would bother me a lot, but the buying things last minute being such an issue with you seems ridiculous. I'd still hate the lie but I can see why he did it.

He got you a bag of things you like in time to give them on the day. I really can't see an issue with that.

The deathbed thing is like swearing on your life? So it's just another way of adding emphasis to his honesty as it were. "I'm telling the truth, I promise," versus, "I'm telling the truth, I swear on your deathbed." They are the same thing, so forget about the deathbed aspect of it. A lie is a lie, it doesn't matter what fancy words you add to the lie.

Whether lying is considered a big issue varies by relationship, as you can see from this thread. Me and DH are clear that any lie is unacceptable to us. Some couples are happy with white lies (ones that won't hurt you so long as you don't find out it was a lie) and other couples seem to stay together through worse lies. What you and your partner feel is right is something you need to agree together, and then stick to. Further betrayal of this agreement is a problem.

I reckon he gets so fed up when you interrogate him that he lies for a quiet life. Unfortunately for him he's got caught out and this could rumble on and on and on.
I suppose you mean he swore on your life (swearing on your deathbed really isn't an expression unless you're about to croak and he's uttering profanities).
I've always found swearing on someone's life a particularly unpleasant (yet also meaningless) thing to do.

If you gave me this grief about something that I had bought you, you would never receive another present from me again.

I think it was very odd indeed if anyone swore on my life over anything, but then I wouldn't be interrogating them over when they bought my gifts.

Did you ask him to swear....?

I’d be upset he lied in that way

It is a big thing for me. I remember my Ex Husband swearing on the kids lives that he hadn't cheated on me. He had. It made it even worse, somehow.

Why were you even interrogating him over when he bought the gifts? Why does it matter? Does he always have to do things to your timelines? It sounds as if he was afraid of you going off on him because in your opinion he bought the gifts too late so he lied. Maybe lighten up a bit and stop taking the good out of everything.

This is all a bit silly. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. He probably felt browbeaten by you so he said bought them earlier to appease you. And the swearing on the deathbed is utterly childish. Do you also do pinky promise?

yes. What does this even mean? Are you dying and on your death bed? Or do you think you’ll suddenly die because he lied?

The lying would really piss me off but this whole death bed thing is juvenile.

You can't. He lies.

To some extent, I understand why he lied. You were making an unreasonable fuss about when he bought the gift, and he wanted to shut the conversation down. The correct response on his part would have been to tell the truth about having bought the gifts on the same day and to point out how unreasonable you were being to make a fuss about that. You are entitled to be annoyed that he lied instead of challenging you on your poor behaviour.

So now you know that you can't always trust him, what are you going to do about it?

no because that is just nonsense anyway.

But. If either of you do take that kind of thing seriously, it was another stupid action in a whole row of stupid actions.

Well, the stuff in the bag was nice, however, I didn't need pyjamas, as I already just bought 2 new sets, and he bought me stuff I'm not allowed to eat (pre-diabetic), so the fact it was rushed did matter really, because he clobbered together stuff that was ill thought out.

I don’t think “swearing on someone’s deathbed” means anything like what you think it means, to him. See also “swearing down” or “swearing on a life”. I suspect that it holds as much meaning for him as it does to me, which is none. So in reality it’s not as big a transgression for him as it would be for you. I also don’t get the purchase in advance thing but have no idea how to tackle that sorry.

"You could probably solve this by having a conversation about lying, and then moving on."

What @watchingplanesicantaffordsaid, but have a think about gratitude as well.

It's not the swearing on your life that's the issue, can't you see that? Your ex lied about something massive, your DH lied about how far in advance he bought pyjamas.

A liar is a liar.

I also wouldnt trust "swearing on your life" anyway from anyone over the age of 8

I don't think people should lie to their spouses full stop. I honestly would never do it.

You said it was "All nice enough".

I get the impression you might be quite hard to live with.

Never? Ever? About anything at all? Not even the smallest white lie?
That's not a remotely realistic expectation of anyone, even yourself.

It would seem that I'm out of whack with everyone. Okay, so lying in relationships is good. 😳

Good lord, I can see why he lied. What a palaver over nothing.

And I agree with OP he shouldn't do that either, but I also don't understand whybrhar was even a conversation.

Making mountains out of molehills results in people lying to avoid that.