Petty issue now a big issue, because he swore on my deathbed

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

We had an anniversary recently. I bought my gift for him well in advance. He went to Asda on the day and clobbered together a gift bag of stuff. All nice enough, but I did mention it was a bit late in the day. One of the gifts was pyjamas. He swore they'd been in his boot for a week. I raised and eyebrow and he swore on my deathbed. Well, today I have found the receipt in the bottom of a bag and he was lying, he did buy them on the day. I now care more about the lying than the fact he bought stuff on the day. Would this bother anyone else?

Does he lie often? About trivia too?

Okay, and how do you respond when told the truth? Because in relationships where telling the truth immediately ends any conflict and you're able to move forward you rarely see those involved continuing to lie.

On the other hand in relationships where the person who's on the anti-lying crusade then piles in with 'OH MY GOD HOW COULD YOU AND WHY DID YOU AND WHY ME' type reactions yes, those who have to live with them probably will continue to lie because they've worked out that the thing the 'anti-lying' individual is actually most invested in is in deriving the most drama possible from any given situation and what's useful about becoming obsessed with lying is that it's socially frowned upon and therefore it's hard for anyone to call them out on their extreme reaction to it.

I lie every time someone shows me their newly done nails.
I think they look horrible as standard but I say, "Ooh lovely!" to appease them.
Same with crap tattoos.

I completely agree with you, OP. Small little lies eat away at the foundation of a relationship. It would drive me mad and make me doubt everything.

In my experience people who “swear on - “ their DM’s grave, their dc’s lives, (their partners deathbed is a new one) are always liars.

Normal responses are along the lines of “no really, I did”.

White lies are fine. I get that, I really do.

Who swears on someone's deathbed unless your in primary school
Its very childish behaviour, but you are right to be pissed off that he lied.id have to confront him

I'm with you OP. I can't stand adults who lie (SIL I'm looking at you!), it makes me question everything they say. Couldn't be with someone who lied.

I was once told in an annual performance review, when discussing room for improvement, that I was "too honest". I mean, htf was I supposed to improve on being too honest?🙄

I can't see this as being much more than a white lie, though. You were making a fuss about something that didn't actually matter in the slightest. He told you a white lie to keep you happy and avoid a pointless argument about a complete non-issue.

It's hardly as if he lied to you about something important.

Of course, it would have been better if he had told the truth and called you out on your poor behaviour, but being honest, how would you have responded to that in reality? Can you really not see why he lied?

So why do you not see this (or the milk) as a white lie that's fine?

It's not what the lie was about. It's not even the lie, it's surely the absolute doubling down of "I swear on your life".

Assuming you didn't prompt that OP ("do you swear on my life?") then it's absolutely weird as fuck to swear on someone's life over something so trivial- so what are you meant to think when it's actually something serious?!

I absolutely get what you mean OP, I would feel extremely uncomfortable about that!

I'd rather nothing than unsuitable stuff cobbled together on the day.

Presumably he lied because he wanted to look more thoughtful than he really was?

Seems so pointless as I'm not sure a pair of pjs bought a week in advance when you've just bought yourself a couple of pairs is any great shakes anyway!

He probably lied because he didn’t want a big argument

This - I think OP was gunning for an argument.

I find being lied to triggering so do get that part.

However from Op behavior she wanted an argument but doesn't want to be crytal clear why she upset with him - she's upset because she feel he didn't put enough effort in - which TBH she has a point about.

However instead of saying that she picked a fight about when it was bought and then force him to lie or have an argument then when he's avoided one argument with her she now found the recipt proved a white lie and can now be upset all over again.

It would be a lot more straight forward if she just said I'm disppointed with presents and a bit upset about them instead of lying to him about why she upset - first when presents were bought - now that he lied to avoid an argument.

swearing on his life? Are you both 12? Asking someone to swear on their lives is immature and ultimately pointless, as you have seen it is easy to say and is meaningless. You are putting childish boundaries on an adult relationship and he is reacting in a childish way. You ask how do you trust what he tells you - you need to be clear around your expectations and set boundaries. You also need to be realistic. Setting a timescale in which someone should buy you presents is not realistic and he will fail. Instead, say birthdays and present giving is important to me, and therefore I would like you to put thought into it. Here are some examples: XXX. I do think he has let you down, but saying it clearly and calmly ; you have disappointed me with the presents as it feels like I am not important to you, is the best way of doing it. And then if he continually doesnt adhere to your boundaries you have a decision to make.

Swearing on someone's life doesn't mean anything whether it's a trivial matter or serious one. It's a meaningless statement.

I completely agree with you @ILoveHolidaysAbroad - my ex-husband would swear things on my life and the kids lives that were lies, it just really hammered home how little of a fuck he actually gave about us.

Yes the universe might not care about something being sworn on your life, but I could never live with swearing a lie on someones lives and then they got in a crash or something and didn't come home.

If my husband ever lied to me, that would cross a deal breaker line for me, and if he lied while promising on my life, we wouldn't be coming back from that - I'm not living like that again and in a relationship were I feel like I don't matter in the slightest.

Of course I wouldn’t like being lied to over anything substantive. I’ve read the rest of your posts so understand your concerns, and to be honest your DP sounds like a bit of a prick.

But, asking for people to swear on your, your DC’s lives etc is both pointless, and means nothing. Unless you’re literally in a life ending situation with a gun at your head it can’t be anything other than words.

Ditch the drama, and look at what’s real and important, which is you felt you had to check on when he bought a gift, after needing him to swear on your life about something not that important. Maybe there’s other stuff about your relationship you need to look at?

Well if he wasn't superstitious and it meant nothing to him, he should surely have sworn on his own life, not yours?

I agree that swearing on someone's life is not actually altering the course of that person's life- but it's typically used to demonstrate the seriousness of your conviction. Ie there is no greater way to express your sincerity.

So what does OP do when he has something serious to be potentially lying about? What can he possibly say to be believed when he lies about childish things in a childish way

I'm not sure why you have had a hard time on here OP. It's a horrible expression, usually used by the most prolific bullshitters and if DH used it it would give me the ick.

Birthdays happen once a year, he has had enough notice, there was no need for him to cobble a bunch of last minute random tat from the supermarket.

The lying would annoy me too @ILoveHolidaysAbroad . Perhaps lay the receipt out and ask him if he thinks the date was wrong on the till? 🤔😵‍💫

Totally get you OP!
I’m surprised so many posters are ok if their partner hasn’t bothered to put any effort in to buying something thoughtful in advance. Thoughtless and uncaring.
Do you put effort in for his birthday?
Of course you had an expectation of a lovely gift that you receive early on the day and not something quickly picked up from Asda and not actually something you want anyway.
He’s compounded the thoughtlessness by lying about when he bought them.
So not just a lie, he swore on your life and you’ve caught him by finding the receipt.
I would be annoyed too and would have called him out on such a pointless lie.

No, lying is not good. I think you brought that on yourself. Instead of thanking him for the gifts, you interrogated him because he didn't plan ahead. You were obviously going on at him about buying last-minute, and when cornered, he lied to stop you chastising him and making him feel it wasn't good enough.

Next time, say thank you and let the rest go. If you had just been grateful, he wouldn't have felt he needed to lie about such an insignificant detail. You really should apologize for the way you acted, which might prompt an apology from him.

This is how it should have gone:
He gave you a gift. You said thank you.
Simple, isn't it?

Then split up. If it’s a red line for you, end the relationship.
Don't create half-arsed drama about it though. It’s either a dealbreaker or it’s not.

Exactly.