To not want to babysit neighbours kids

[Nevaurs]

Earlier this year, my neighbour asked if I could watch her child who was off school sick while she did took the other one to school. I was starting work late that day so didn’t mind. During the school holidays she asked me another few times if I could come over to watch them for 30 minutes/an hour. Sometimes I had to say I can’t because I’m working but she seems to think that because I work from home, I can just leave. She says “can’t you just take a break?” Or “can’t you just bring your laptop and work from here?”

She has just been offered a part time job and told me that some of her shifts will be late and asked if I could come round to watch her kids when she does late shifts. I really really don’t want to do this. I don’t mind as much when it’s every now and again for half an hour or so but committing to giving up some of my evenings for hours to go and sit with someone’s kids isn’t something I’d like to do. However I feel like I’m being unreasonable as it will really help her out and it’s a kind thing to do so I am on the verge of saying yes even though I don’t really want to. How would other people feel? What would you say?

'No. That doesn't work for me.'

Id say no. I assume you arent paid for these 30min stints?!? You arent free childcare.

No. Is a full sentance.

Its completely CF to apply for a job on the reliance of the generosity of a neighbour.

You must be firm and say a clear 'No'. If you need to say anything else, then 'I work full time and there is no flexibiity.' If you give an inch she is going to push and push. You can tell that from what she's tried already.

I stupidly got into something like this with my friend's child. I did it unpaid and willingly to help out in a hard period. But if I had something else on e.g. a planned holiday she was really off with me. She asked me if I knew of anyone else who I coud ask to do it while I was away!! There was lots of huffing and sighing from her about how rushed she was getting home for pick-up and how she never got a chance to go out with her colleagues.

Eventually I changed my job and was unavailable. I gave her 4 months notice. She has barely spoken to me since and my generosity has never been acknowledged.

I don't know whether she came round or not as I wasn't in, but I was upset with her when she picked them up and had sent her messages while they were with me. It stopped though, yes.

Her mother had been looking after them before and I think after - I think she just thought it was a great idea that I do it as I was "off anyway" and had children the same age, as her mother had made noises about it getting too much for her, and genuinely didn't process the fact I didn't agree with her that it was no extra bother.

I voted yabu, yabu to yourself. You don't owe anyone your time. Helping a neighbour out now and again is one thing but a daily committee is different. Just tell her that you can't

You have to say no. It's great she's found a job but she needs proper regular child care. Or tell her great your hourly rate is £40 an hour 😂

Whoever she has to watch the children during her non-late shifts can be the one who steps up. If she thinks she doesn't need anyone because they'll have school and such; there are school holiday times.

If you say yes, you will soon be watching them so much you'll feel as if you should be able to take the tax deduction.

Just say, "No, I cannot do that." No other explanation needed. If she starts making up scenarios where it works, for her, just say, "I said no and that's enough."

Her childcare needs are NOT your problem to solve. She's a user who has zero boundaries. Make her well aware of yours.

I would just say "Sorry but I can't commit to that. I have my own job and didn't mind helping you out briefly, on the odd occasion if you're really stuck, but I couldn't commit to a regular childminding job. I'm not a childminder and I wouldn't be insured to do so. I also wouldn't have time when I'm working."
She's probably struggling to find suitable childcare if it is late shifts as usual providers wouldn't be open but surely she could advertise on a local community site? Maybe it would be a suitable job for a teenager or a student. To help, you could suggest a few options. I don't mean to be mean, but it is not your responsibility.

Just because she might be struggling to find childcare doesn't mean it should fall to you. I wouldn't agonise over this.

Oh for crying out loud she’s just taking the piss. Say no, you can’t commit to that. That’s it. If she takes a huff and stops speaking to you, all the better as no one needs an entitled arse like that in their lives. And never feel bad about it - you’ve more than helped her out in the past!

Just let her know your hourly rate. I’m sure she’ll be less keen for your services then. 😆

But seriously, no. As PPs have said, there’s a big difference between helping neighbours when they’re in a tricky situation and, having an actual regular babysitting job. She’s basically looking for free childcare and if you accept, you can be sure it’ll only get worse.

asked if I could come round to watch her kids when she does late shifts.

Late shifts sound ominous-you could end up with them from 3.15pm to 9/10/11. That's not as hoc childcare, that's listening to them read, feeding them, bathing them, putting them to bed. She sounds like to type to complain if you don't clean their teeth very well!

Who would be having them on this late shift when they are on school holidays-are you lined up for that as well?

Don't be a doormat. Text her today and tell her it's not happening.

Absolutely not. I’m a solo parent and have an amazing neighbour who’s retired. I would never put this on her. It will lead to more and more

You’re right, I am trying to be better at this. I did end up messaging her back last night to say no, I won’t be able to commit to this. She read it but hasn’t responded

Good news.

Well done OP. You can't expect her to like it and she may well be CF enough t okeep pushing but be strong, you have 8 pages of people telling you you're doing the right thing

Remember, if she pushes it, you just say it’s for personal reasons.

That way you aren’t lying.

Yes I am unfortunately 😔 I am working on it though but I do find it hard. I’m especially trying to toughen up at work as well

It's hard for some people OP. You did great saying no to your neighbour. When in doubt come back here and read through the comments to strengthen your resolve.

Well done for saying no @Nevaurs. Some posters might scoff, but it's not easy to do that when you don't like disappointing people or you think someone is relying on you. But your NDN is being an absolute CFer – she clearly accepted the job on the basis that you'd do her childcare before checking that you would. Really out of order.

I love the way she describes it "just watching" them.. to make it sound so easy. You just have to look at them. Not babysitting or childminding.. which actually describes the task. I note she seems to just use the word just a lot to make it sound like nothing.

When she grinds you down to concede that you might possibly be able to watch them for a bit occasionally as an emergency, she will then announce as close to the time as possible that its much longer hours than she led you to believe and for at least several days... because you live to serve her, in her mind.

And of course because its happening the next day and she has no time to look for anyone else she will plead and will make it sound like YOU are personally letting her down, led her to believe you'd help and stopping her return to work and blah blah blah. So if you thought it was hard to say no at the outset - just wait until she really gets going.

At no point will she mention paying you because of course.. its just a small favour between friends.. but she will never look for other childcare when she has a free and biddable neighbour who has agreed to do it. And any favour from then on (and there will be more and more favours required) will ALWAYS be a last minute emergency, because then you will be under more pressure not to say no.

But you are not her mum or her auntie and you don't owe her.
"Hi neighbour, unfortunately I cannot just watch your DC whilst you are doing evening shifts. That requires proper paid childcare, from someone who is insured and has chosen to regularly look after young children. I wish you all the best but I cannot help you. I already have a full time job and I don't want to take on a second."

She will be offended, but if you helped her you would be living with the constant threat of offending her whenever you try to not do as she asks.. because job, because kids, because its an emergency. If she is offended and refuses to speak to you because you said no.. so blooming what? What can she top that with. Note that there will be no gratitude or acknowledgement for favours already done.

Unfortunately, you have to put up with this instance of displeasure on her part towards you ... to avoid a very long period of being her unpaid servant. If she knows its no good asking you, she will move on to the next one. Also.. ask yourself why you find it so hard to say no.. I bet you've were brought up to never say no etc. and were punished by people being mean to you when you did. But your life and your needs are just as important as hers. If she wants to be offended - let her.

Unfortunately CF like she undoubtedly is, never appreciate help and always look for more.

My friend had a neighbour who she obliged a bit with school lifts every so often, as they were in the same school.

She called to her door and asked could she help her as she was between childminders and stuck for a couple of weeks max.

My friend really didn't want to but the children went to the same school and she is a nice person.
She collected them and had them after school.
The woman picked them up for 3 days at 6.30 mentioning that work was busy, thanks very much, yadda yadda.

Another friend text her to say she saw her leaving her gym.
Turns out she was going to the gym on the way home from work.
When challenged she said she didn't realise it would be an issue as she always did this!!

My friend said Nope, make other arrangements as of now. She was absolutely furious and felt like such a tit.
She blocked her number and openly told several other mums in the class how annoyed she was.

Thats what being nice to a CF gets you.
She had the cheek to say she was over reacting, it was "only" an extra hour.

She's not your responsibility
Her kids are not your responsibility
Grow a backbone ,or she will be taking advantage of you constantly

There is something called "weaponised incompetence".

Some years ago a neighbour asked me to watch her child while she went to an interview. She knew I didnt want to do it but used the moral blackmail that I owed her a favour (I did). I told her "OK but as I am childfree I dont change nappies, do feeds or cuddles. I will simply be the responsible adult for this one time." I also asked what she intended to do for childcare if she got the job. She repied breezily that it was shift work so "we will work it out"

"Oh no we wont" I decided.

She brought the child in his carry cot ad I told her to put it on the bed as I was busy. When she returned she asked how he had been. I told her well he did start to whinge but it was ok because I turned the TV up.

I had checked on the child once but she didnt know that.

Needless to say she never asked me again.

Hell no. So cheeky of her to ask