To take my 12 year old daughter's phone away at bedtime

[AlltheGs123]

I am battling with my 12 yo who is demanding to keep her phone in her bedroom overnight. I am saying that she needs to hand over the phone at 9.30 and it'll go on to charge until morning. All hell is breaking loose - apparently none of her friends parents do this and she sees it as controlling behaviour (!). Am I eroding her trust or am I doing the right thing?

I do it with my 12 year old dd. It’s handed over at 9. Never to be seen until the next morning on her way to school. Those are the rules in my house.

Your rules or the phone goes!!

And you’re arguing with a 12yo why exactly?

Anytime my 13yo likes to inform me of different parenting rules set by her friends parents I remind her I couldn’t give two shiny shites. No phones in bedrooms end of. Not up for discussion

Same rules here, no phones in bedrooms overnight.

Yep phone stays in the lounge at night.

You are doing the right thing.

Of course it is controlling - you are her parent and that is what parents are supposed to do. Control their child's behaviour - and also protect them from potential harm.

If she doesn't like it - tough. You pay the bills, you make the rules.

My daughter kept her phone downstairs all the way through school - after a while it was her choice because she wanted to do well in her exams and knew that it would be a distraction and keep her from sleep*.

Presumably you pay for the phone? Then it is not even up for discussion.

*she did at one stage - probably about the same age as your daughter - manage to get onto social media via an ancient kindle we had all forgotten about, so don't think this was an entirely straightforward process...

@AlltheGs123 Unless she has given you reason to take it away, let her have it.

12 years olds are old enough to test. Give her the chance to prove that she will be reasonable with it and not be on her phone past bed time. If she then breaks that trust, take it away.

Explain as well that the light on the phone will keep her brain active when she needs to be falling asleep and if she can't show she isn't addicted, the phone will be removed.

Peak age for phone nonsense. Keep firm, it matters not what other parents do.

It’s definitely the best thing you can do for her.

Having a phone overnight interferes with sleep quality and has been proven to increase the incidence of mental health problems and bullying in young people. Doom scrolling is terrible for adults and even worse for kids.

‘Controlling behaviour’ my eye! Ask her to explain her understanding of what that expression means and how it is different from parenting.

Mine had to keep phones downstairs until they finished year 11 and GCSEs.

Any time my older kids tell me what other parents I always responded "good for them, they don't make the rules in this house".

No phones overnight at 12 would be quite standard. There's no need for it - if you're going to be asleep and not using it it's not needed and if you're going to be using it when you're meant to be asleep then that backs the rule of removal!

Can’t believe this is a question.

No phones in bedrooms until adulthood. No devices in rooms at night full stop.

Of course you are not being reasonsable. 9.30 seems pretty late for bedtime too, is this part of the issue?

My 15 year old’s screentime cuts out at 9:30pm and she gets it back at 8am the next day. It gets charged on my bedside table.

I don’t give a toss what other parents do.

My dc put their phones on charge on a docking station downstairs before bed. Phones are only allowed upstairs with permission (eg. Mum, please can I go and call Sarah in my room/mum, please can I use my phone for music upstairs). My twins are 14. Dd1 is 17 and was allowed her phone upstairs etc once she’d completed GCSEs.

am I stricter than friends? Yes. I work in social media so my rules are my rules.

mine weren't allowed to keep ANY electronics in their rooms overnight until they were at college.. so.. i'm on your side.

eh? Lots of clubs don’t finish till then. DD is an owl and hasn’t ever been in bed by 9:30, even as a tiny child!

It would be controlling behaviour to do this, to a grown adult.A partner or maybe a sixteen year old.

Parenting is by definition, controlling, and it's supposed to be in the right way. You don't argue with a twelve year old.You tell her let her have her tantrum, and if she has massive tantrums, she doesn't get it back in the day, either until she calms down.

Not sure what you mean by 'not be on her phone past bed time'. Bed time is when the OP wants her dd to hand the phone over. She's 12 so 9.30 seems totally reasonable to me.

I've installed an app called Family Link. Shuts down automatically every night. I set the times and amount spent on each app.

9.30 is not late for a 12 year old ffs!

But agree with no phones. I take my sons at 10pm.

No phones in bedroom lowers the risk of intimate pictures being sent into the ether.. I have it with my 2 now age 13 and 15. Start as you mean to go on. 15 year old now has boyfriend and that phone stays downstairs!

Phone get cut off at 8.30 for 13 year old. 10pm for 16 year old. 13 year old also has a time limit on phone per day and not allowed social media apps such as instagram, tik tok. No phones in room. Its that or no phones. You need to get tough now as its only going to get harder if you dont do it now.

DS11's phone locks between 7:30pm and 7:30am and stays downstairs at all times. Completely non-negotiable. It's either that or no phone and yes, I am controlling the situation because I'm the boss.