To take my 12 year old daughter's phone away at bedtime

[AlltheGs123]

I am battling with my 12 yo who is demanding to keep her phone in her bedroom overnight. I am saying that she needs to hand over the phone at 9.30 and it'll go on to charge until morning. All hell is breaking loose - apparently none of her friends parents do this and she sees it as controlling behaviour (!). Am I eroding her trust or am I doing the right thing?

'This is not up for negotiation but out of curiosity, what do you want it for during the night?'

Just do it.
You Are The Adult.

You are her parent. You make the rules! If you want your DD's mobile handed over at 21:30 then that's what happens. No negotiation.

My 14 year old often pulls ' but Xs Mum lets her do Y". My reply is "yep but I am not letting you" if it is something non- negotiable.

DD's mobile is handed in every night at 21:30 . I expect her to have fully charged it and have it switched off. It then goes in a locked box until she is up and ready and her way to school the next morning.

Does DD think it's fair? No, of course she doesn't, but she does not yet have the capacity to make mature decisions that promote her well being. For example, being up on her phone all night and then too tired to focus properly at school the next day.

When my kids try this crap I just say, "of course darling, I'll just go and fetch you a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of whisky while I'm at it" 🤣

They now recognise at this point that's the code for "don't be bloody ridiculous, Of course you're not having that because it's blatantly bloody bad for you and my job as parent is to enforce boundaries and teach the way and the light" 🤪

They actually just roll their eyes now obviously but at least they don't persist 😂

Wow.

Until they were finished school, so aged about 17, both my kids knew the no phone in the bedroom rule. You’re doing the right thing

Mine had a mobile since age 9.

The idea was if it's just sprung on her at 11 then all her peers will be teaching her how they work, badly.

I taught her how it worked and what to avoid and why, and she never had the phone after 9pm (bed time) and so there was no battle when older as that is always how it was and how it will be until 16.

Does she know predators will impersonate young people etc. ? Is she actually aware and keen to avoid?

No phones overnight is a very normal rule for kids this age and older ones too.

Be the adult OP she's just 12 tell her the phone comes out her room or you will cancel the SIM card!

Haven't you got parental control software on it anyway so that you can just lock the phone if she refuses to hand it over? You should have!!!

The fact that she kicked off would make me very suspicious that she’s on it too much and addicted and/or is doing something she shouldn’t be on the phone.

I’d put stricter limits of its use and go through it to see what she’s looking at.

If I had my time with dd again I’d be much stricter with the phone usage and I was pretty strict already!

Definitely no phones overnight, no social media and limits on how much time a day she spends on it.

My sons have to hand over their phones every evening. They are 12 and 15. I would be a bad parent if I let them have it overnight because like all teens they are addicted to their phones and they need parental help with setting healthy boundaries. Yanbu @AlltheGs123 and don't listen to the "everyone else yada yada". Some parents don't parent their children- don't be that parent.

“Hearing the word “no” rescues children from the tyranny of their own desires” (not my quote, no idea where I first heard it, but it has helped when I’ve needed to step up and parent my kids when they’ve objected)

8ish for my 11 nearly 12 year old and 9.30ish for my 13 nearly 14 year old. I’m pretty liberal but those are hard rules in our house.

Op you can tell your dd that you know someone (me) who won't even let her dd have a phone at all any time of the day or night when she is 12. Maybe then she won't feel so hard done by anymore.

Op you can tell your dd that you know someone (me) who won't even let her dd have a phone at all any time of the day or night when she is 12. Maybe then she won't feel so hard done by anymore.

DD is 11, she has hers in her room for the alarm in the morning but parental controls mean the only thing she can do on the phone between 9.30pm and 6.30am is txt or call her emergency contacts (me, dad and nana).

Similar for us (15 minutes later in the evenings now DS12 is in Y8 😆). No way would I allow him to have his phone in his room overnight at this age. I also have an issue with him using it past 8pm in general as it makes him wired!

I'd take the phone full stop or at least down grade it to a brick phone. Doesn't seem like she's mature enough to understand the dangers of a child having constant access to their phone/ the Internet.

Not unreasonable at all. Both mine and DS14 phone go in the kitchen overnight to charge. It’s really unhealthy to be falling asleep scrolling and checking your phone the second you wake up, for everyone, no matter their age.

Went through this phase with my 13 year old. I stood my ground it was HORRIFIC - he was shouting/ fighting with me - hiding the phone.

I am SO glad I stood my ground - I know it would have been easier to back down.

The calmer and stronger you stay - the better things will pan out for you I promise.

be the grown up she needs you to be

I told my son - when you are 25 you would be so angry with me if I let you spend the night on a phone aged 12

Stand your ground do not let her have it on a trial basis, it is a lot harder to gain the control back .

I tried giving my oldest freedom when she was 16, and all I heard about was, how bad she slept, it was affecting her MH as well, All summer holidays I told her once school started again both her phone and laptop would be in the kitchen to charge by 11pm. Sun-Thurs nights.

The weekend she can do whatever and learn to find her own balance then.

There was a power struggle at the beginning but it is working well now, and she seems a lot happier most mornings.

My younger is 13 and only got a phone for her 13 birthday. She only uses her phone downstairs, and never past 9pm.

The apps are designed to be addictive and keep people on them, it is very hard for kids to manage this on their own.

I salute you all for doing the right thing. Never had an issue with my daughter. Brick phone she still has and her Chrome book regulated. When she goes to college she wants a smart phone and I know she will be sensible as we highlighted issues when she first got a phone
No pics of herself shared or taken at friends, no chatrooms. She doesn't have Facebook, TikTok, Snapchat. She can watch most things on the hubs etc.
Worth reading the Guardian article on Roblox. Data acquisition and monetisation is the goal of many apps

She can have a Nokia for a month if that behaviour continues. DS has his phone over night, but charging under his high sleeper and totally and utterly locked down. It’s basically an alarm clock.

id be checking all her social media if you allow that sort of thing.

DD16 wasn’t allowed it in her room until when she turned 16. It went on charge downstairs.

Even adults find it difficult to avoid doom scrolling and checking their phone before bed etc. I can't imagine a 12 year old having the willpower to ignore messages from friends because it's passed their bedtime

I think You'd be mad if you didn't

But set an example by putting everyone's phone to charge together an hour before bed