To take my 12 year old daughter's phone away at bedtime

[AlltheGs123]

I am battling with my 12 yo who is demanding to keep her phone in her bedroom overnight. I am saying that she needs to hand over the phone at 9.30 and it'll go on to charge until morning. All hell is breaking loose - apparently none of her friends parents do this and she sees it as controlling behaviour (!). Am I eroding her trust or am I doing the right thing?

Not unreasonable, our 12yo has never been allowed his phone overnight, it stays in the kitchen and charges overnight

9?

What did she need a phone for at that age?

Seriously, what was she using it for?

My 12 almost 13 yo doesn't even have a phone.

Couldn't be doing with these battles.

They're hugely addictive, who can blame them for struggling to hand them over?

Personally I think 9 is too late to be on phone too.

Same here, parental controls kick in and he either uses up his 2 hour per day screen time limit or it locks at 9pm. He’s 13 and in year 9. Thankfully accepts it and isn’t bothered by social media.

Stick to your rules OP.

Do you even have to ask? What happened to parenting? There is absolutely no reason for anyone to have their phone in bed whatever their age.

My DDs phone goes into downtime at 9.30 and doesnt wake up again until 7.15. The family link app also tells me when she has downloaded something new. I agreed at 14 she could have tiktok. She doesnt have Snapchat or insta. She has a few friends with similar rules and fully accepts them. She has a few friends who have unlimited access to whatever they want but she understands how addictive and damaging it is and doesn't push for more. I think you have to have a very firm close eye on things to start with and losen the controls as they get older/more responsible. Its much harder to try and introduce rules later on once the horse has bolted.

It’s your phone (or whoever bought it and pays the bills). Obviously no 12 year old should have a phone at all over night, YANBU.

We have a landline upstairs, just not mobiles.

I don't have battles with 12 year old about this (yet!). I decided this summer (when she got hers) to leave mine downstairs as well and I sleep so well.

It may also be the reason for no conflict.

No child needs a phone overnight. You’re definitely doing the right thing by taking it away at bedtime! They’ll be annoyed but stick to your guns.

I take my 12yo’s phone away at bedtime and charge it overnight. His internet gets switched off too. He’s the type of child that will fall asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. As long as there are NO distractions. He would be on his phone or gaming all night if we didn’t have these boundaries in place though.

15yo switches own phone off at night and goes to bed of their own accord.

Mine don’t have phones. In theory no social media either. But they’re crafty, I have been away with work for a few days. My husband handed his iPad for which they have all the pass codes and one of them has spent 7 hours on TikTok over the past 4 days. Including at night time. And they have important exams this week. To say I’m furious is an understatement.
Anyway.. no phones in bedrooms.

I don't need to my DCs phone away because it shuts down automatically at 20:30 (Family Link) or when he's been on it for 1h30m. I give later extensions and extra time when it fits in with his schedule and if he's done all his necessary tasks.

I also point out that I am his parent, and am not responsible for parenting his friends.

We have had v strict boundaries with my 12yo phone from day one (he got it when he was 11, just finishing primary)
It shuts down at 8pm, works again at 07.30. Its locked down during school hours. After 2 hours of screen time it shuts down. He can have WhatsApp but no groups bigger than 6. No social media. No Internet browsing. He can literally message friends and play some games, which I have to approve. Its working well and he isnt particularly attached to it.

My daughter is 15 she’s still expected to leave her phone on charge outside her bedroom overnight. She’d never sleep otherwise.

Its not her you need to trust but the huge amount of online people that you have instantly given her access to and them to her all night long.

I genuinely can't believe anyone still thinks this is okay.
My very innocent and sweet niece was in a "relationship" with a 28 year old (pretending ro be a 21 year old) when she was 13. He is now in prison for rape. She is no longer sweet and innocent. She is extremely damaged
Dont even think about it.

How do you do this please?

I’m an adolescents social worker
before that family safe guarding

please trust yourself and your judgement ( if I had my way smart phones would be banned for under 18s like alcohol)
parents -even tech savvy ones- have no idea about the way teens engage with social media or the level of grooming/coercion/ sharing of indecent images/ sexual and criminal exploitation/ exploring inappropriate rabbit holes/ peer issues escalating and snowballing that starts online. While they have the damned device they are at risk - at night / early hours even more so.
plus we know as adults can be hard to self regulate and out the bloody thing down even with work the next day - expecting a teen to self regulate is most likely setting them up to fail. Do they a favour take the device out of their hands and make their lives easier and safer.

@mostlylovinglife you need a parental control app. If its an android use family link..iPhone controls are more annoying but again use apple controls.

I pay for an external app called qustudio

Ffs, why does a child have a phone in the first place??

of course you take it away at night. She’s 12, not 18.

You do know that when kids say ‘none of my friends have to do this’ that it actually means the opposite? You are being totally reasonable and responsible.

Ds is 15. He accepts the rule that his phone is left on charge in another room overnight, it's never been an issue. I remember him trying to tell me, aged 10, that 'all his friends' parents' let them watch Squid Game. My mantra is that i don't care what other parents do or don't do with their children, my only responsibility is to him and his sister. He gets it now.

To learn how to use it. She texted some friends in her class, and we used life360 on it for when she walked home from school as practise.

She had some games, and did her online reading and maths games from school on there, instead of using my devices like kids without phones do.

She took pics and had her banking app on there and paid for some stuff via her phone.

She was into making and hair and made some videos of her work.

She listened to music and audiobooks on it.

It set her up for living with this device as part of her daily life, as we all do.

And by the time she went to secondary she was well versed and didn't see it as some novelty and was 100% immune to the pitfalls.

No child (and probably very few adults) are 100% immune to the pitfalls of phones. How old is she?

12 and in secondary. Fair enough, but she's aware of it all and a phone wasn't just handed to her in secondary when I was losing influence.

I gave it to her while I could still teach her how to use it. It's not allowed overnight until age 16.