To take my 12 year old daughter's phone away at bedtime

[AlltheGs123]

I am battling with my 12 yo who is demanding to keep her phone in her bedroom overnight. I am saying that she needs to hand over the phone at 9.30 and it'll go on to charge until morning. All hell is breaking loose - apparently none of her friends parents do this and she sees it as controlling behaviour (!). Am I eroding her trust or am I doing the right thing?

I still have this battle with my 16 year old every single night, but i persist because she has no impulse control and would be on it all night if I didn't take it. Stick with it.

There is no reason a 12 year old should be using a mobile phone at night especially when they should be asleep. You are not unreasonable - child is just pushing back like we all did - albeit not for mobile phones because they didn’t exist!

Probably because in this day and age you need to be able to contact them, they need to be able to contact you, and you need to be able to keep track of them. They travel home from school on the bus. There aren’t public telephone boxes in abundance and the ones that exist you probably wouldn’t want your 12 year old (or indeed any year old!) touching or using! Hardly anyone has landlines either - do you not remember trying to stretch the cord for the landline into another room so you could chat with your school friends?

9 os incredibly young and unnecessary. You could have done all of that a couple of years later.

I'm go smacked that she had friends who had them as well and they were messaging each other. Absolutely no need at all!

14 year old DS, phone off and charging in my room when he goes to bed.
I did foolishly trust him a couple of years ago as he’s a very sensible kid but that was no more once I noticed he’d been on WhatsApp at 12am and messaging his friends saying he was waiting for me to fall asleep before rejoining the group call.

You should take yours upstairs, it at least have a brick phone in your room because of fire risk. If you're stuck upstairs and your kitchen is on fire , you'll have no way to call for help.

Have it upstairs and in your room - just have it out of arms reach if needed..

For context, my nephew had his at 13, and it perfectly capable of using it safely and reasonably. He leaves it downstairs, knows how to stay safe online etc etc and is not a doom scrolling teen.

My 14 year olds phone is not upstairs at night.

They are never 💯 ‘immune to the pitfalls’
stay vigilent

100%. Never get complacent.

Again, a lot of their classmates have group whatsapps which can turn nasty, obviously. I've seen children banned from whatsapp etc. etc. and we just watch on and I educate her and she has no desire to be in any group whatsapp.

I live in a very poor area but have very middle class friends also, and both sets had their kids with phones around age 9 for the same reasons.

It's wise to ease into things and unwise to have things thrust upon them without proper background work.

You can be gobsmacked but it's incredibly normal and avoids pitfalls. Case in point above.

i sometimes wonder how I made it to 54 without ever having a phone upstairs.

Perhaps you should offer that if she keeps complaining, you will call the parents who allow their children to have their phones at night, to let them know that you don't, and so if their children are saying "everyone else is allowed", they are lying.
The idea that you might cause their friends to lose their phones might make her stop!

We didn't allow any technology in rooms overnight until they were in college.

Didn't you ever use the “it’s not fair, A’s mum lets her do XYZ”?

You are the parent so be her parent and stop trying to be her mate!

You're the adult - you set the rules

12 is too young to have free access to a phone. Should be for homework and then for games on the weekend. To have it overnight is insane.

It seems it's quite trendy to call everything you don't like "controlling" , like it's a bad thing. Parents are meant to.control their children .

Regardless of what she says about her friends, it's normal for phones to be taken away at night and for phones to be allowed in common areas of the house only.

My eldest is 15 and is not allowed his phone overnight. It stays downstairs on charge and he is also sent up to bed at 9.30 on weeknights! He doesn’t complain, I think he likes the structure and routine. He’s doing his GCSEs next year so sleep is more important than ever.

So basically YANBU at all, it would just disturb precious sleep and cause issues at school with concentration.

This.

Controlling behaviour 😂 Surely 'controlling' a 12 year old is just being a parent?

We've gotten around that argument by putting controls on the phone. It shuts down at 7pm leaving her with clock to use as an alarm. Some apps are also time limited during 7-7 so she can only have 30 mins on Pinterest for example before she has to request more time. Youtube is blocked completely

If you're using iPhone it's straightforward to set up.

Why don't you have parental controls set up so you can just set it to lock automatically at whatever time you seem appropriate? Then it doesn't really matter if she doesn't hand it over ( although there should still be consequences for her not doing as her parents asks).

My 13 yr old dds phone shuts down at 830 every night.
Her three closest friends are all allowed their phones in their rooms and have no limits on them (I know this to be true).
I don't care and will not budge on my rule. She accepts it.