To take my 12 year old daughter's phone away at bedtime

[AlltheGs123]

I am battling with my 12 yo who is demanding to keep her phone in her bedroom overnight. I am saying that she needs to hand over the phone at 9.30 and it'll go on to charge until morning. All hell is breaking loose - apparently none of her friends parents do this and she sees it as controlling behaviour (!). Am I eroding her trust or am I doing the right thing?

Its a hard no in our house - I have a 13yo. Don't give in.

YANBU. She's 12. Either she hands over her phone at night or she doesn't get to use a phone at all.

It's part of parenting to set rules for their minor kids. Controlling? Yes. Because a 12 year old does not have the judgement to make wise choices and you have to make those choices as a parent.

As she gets older, yes, you give her more freedom as she shows she is ready for it.

Rewind
The phone belongs to you because you bought it and continue to pay for it.
She uses it.
Because you are responsible for your daughters welfare, phone use has rules like

• you can check it whenever you want and she has to give you the passcode, if she doesn’t the phone goes.
• out it down an hour before bedtime and it stays charged downstairs- otherwise it goes

As we adults all know phones are highly addictive and content/use can cause either harm or harmful behaviour We have to guide our DCs through how and when to use them so they can eventually navigate it all themselves

Controlling my arse! It's just basic common sense.

We also have family link that shuts off the phones between 9pm and 6am (when mine get up).

No screens in bedrooms ever.

Many apps like tiktok are blocked. They cant download any app without my permission.
And I regularly look through them.

No phones overnight here. 13&15 year old dd's in all honesty they don't have their phones in their room (shared) often. If they get a group call or phone call they go upstairs to chat but otherwise use phones in the living room. Dd2 who is 12 almost 13 is the biggest complainer. I've figured it's mainly her age. Her friends are also all allowed their phones at night apparently.

The phones lock down at 10.30 and can be used from 6.30, dd1 is an early bird and they need to use their bus pass just before 7.30. Though they are often off phones from 8.30 if not earlier.

No phones upstairs at all here EVER. I'd let her know the alternative is no phone at all! There are some things worth not backing down on.

No phones in bedrooms for anyone!

Okay, if you don't have a landline and have someone else vulnerable you're partially responsible for (elderly parent, only just adult child living away who might have an emergency in the night especially if medical issues or driving) then this is difficult.

If there is no reason you'd need to be contactable by phone 24/7 though, or if you have a landline, then no phones for anyone at night. This massively reduces grounds for arguments - you do the same.

Mobile phones in bedrooms are bad for everyone. DH and I leave ours in the living room too (we do have a landline still) and this was the rule for everyone until age 18, nevermind 12!

Our older two are adults now and usually still leave their phones in the living room when here (one still at home full time, one lives away but comes back most weekends) agreeing that sleep quality is better. Obviously no phone rules enforced as adults, but good habits are relatively ingrained.

Internet access off on under 16s phone from 9pm anyway via family link app.

We use Family Link. My son is 13, his phone shuts down at 2000 after which it's reading/quiet time. I personally think 2130 is far too late but each to their own. Weekends are obviously a bit more relaxed.

They most certainly ARE addictive, as you say!

I walk my dog every morning along a route walked by chuildren en route to the high school. A quite astonishing number are walking along, using their phones as they go. I find it very worrying indeed.

My 15 and 13 year old's phone are set to "downtime" one hour before bed and go into a downstairs drawer to charge.

Protect and parent your child.

This reel is worth a watch:

https://www.instagram.com/share/reel/_dYXZLRyQ www.instagram.com/share/reel/_dYXZLRyQ]]]]

Can't argue with this... 👍🏼

No phones allowed in bedrooms at any time in this house, if he our son moans about it the moaning time is added on the next day which reduces his phone time. He knows if he were to moan on a regular basis the phone will go all together.

Snapchat Predator who abused 200 girls jailed for life:

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/oct/25/lewis-edwards-south-wales-police-abused-girls-jailed www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/oct/25/lewis-edwards-south-wales-police-abused-girls-jailed]]]]

Would you let this man into your daughter's bedroom? If not, why would you let him - or men like him- reach her via her phone?

Please do it. Our family has been subject to horrific online grooming. If my sd mum had known I’m sure the phone would’ve been taken away

Who is in charge, you or her? That’s what it boils down to.

Mg nearly 16 year old isn’t allowed her phone in her room at night. No one does in our house.

No one is allowed phones in bedrooms or bathrooms - regardless of age. Amazed you're arguing.

We have a friend having a horrific time with their nr 16 year old who was allowed their phone whenever and it’s has done untold damage to the child and the family relationships

DD13's phone is on downtime 7pm-7am. I did ask her this year if she wanted me to extend it 8pm-7am and she said no. She can still access the phone and messages for family members and her bus pass/timetable app and maps. For both her and my DC16, if I catch a phone in the bedroom after supper, they lose access the following day. They each have a Bluetooth speaker, if they want to listen to something in the evening, they can ask me to give them some time and they can play it on their speaker. The phone stays in the living room.

I still do it with my 15 yo and intend to until he finishes school. Then it's up to him. If he goes to bed after me (quite often in the holidays) he has to leave it on charge in the kitchen or the landing. If it's not there when I get up (and he knows I'm an insomniac so quite often get up in the middle of the night too) he loses it the next day. Same for laptop/iPad.

I have 2 x 12 year olds.
They are allowed a total of 3 hours screen time a day then the phone can’t be used.
It also has downtime on from 9pm when its lights out and the phone comes down stairs to charge (even though it can’t be used).
Additionally, I turn the internet off for the house at 11pm just in case they sneak a tv or something on.
I would not entertain arguing with her, these are the rules. I do not care what her friends do. If she objected I would cancel the contract.
She would soon learn it’s to 9pm or not at all.
Sleep and being well rested is far more important!

13yo ds here he is expected to bring his phone downstairs at bedtime
Though I've got it locked from 9.30-7.30 anyway so.wont do him any good anyway

We use this too. Somehow the tech turning itself off is a whole lot less inflammatory than a parent asking to turn it off.

All phones in our house are charged downstairs every night. Completely non-negotiable. That applies to me and DH in our 50s as well as the teenagers. In addition the 13yo is allowed no electronic devices (not even the TV) at the weekend or during school holidays until after lunch. The 16&17yo don't have that rule but are much more sensible in their phone use. And no phones at the dinner table either, and DH wants a no phones in the bathroom rule as well.