To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

YANBU

Your partner can be annoyed all he likes but he still can’t make you sign

You’d be mad to sign it

If your stepson is autistic and needs additional things in place (I don't know what you mean by "moderate" autism?) then he should have an EHCP. With an EHCP the local authority will pay the fees for the school. My son is in a 70k per year independent specialist school, paid for by the LA through an EHCP.

If he doesn't have an EHCP - why does he not have an EHCP? An EHCP is very important for making sure a childs additional needs are met.

Is his mother not responsible to keep paying for him? Contact and finances are normally kept totally separate, you don't have to see a child not be responsible for paying them.

Anyhow I don't think you should have to pay but I do think that the fall out from this will be huge if he does have to leave his school. It sounds like he's already lost a lot this year, losing his school could have further repercussions and may hit your relationship hard.

No don’t pay. You aren’t married and you aren’t responsible .
Also He will always choose his child .
End the relationship .

Your partner will have to work overtime or get a second job to pay the extra fees if the bursary stops and full fees are payable.

And also tell the school to desist with the harassment immediately, and to remove your details from their system.

He should...

So in either scenario you partner can’t afford the school fees with or without the bursary?
assessing your income here seems a red herring, as if the child can only continue to go to the school with your financial input then surely that’s the issue?

I'm guessing the child might have had a bursary.

I'll just say to the school that you re not married to his father.You re not legally this child's parent or guardian, and he's not adopted. That you ll not having your income taken into account when assessing his school fees, and that's that.

I have to say, parents do often forget this kind of thing. I've seen it before that mum or dad - most of the time mum has moved in a new partner and then realises that their partner's income is taken into account and determines how much loan their adult child gets from student finance to go to university with.

People should think long and hard before they get together with somebody with children. It isn't just tolerating their moods and their mess you have to deal with.

They aren't harassing her! They're asking whether the household wants to be assessed for eligibility for a discount.

The school arent unreasonable. Your DP is.

My guess on where this goes....

Lets say fees are 10k and they get 50% off, so he pays £2.5k and ex pays 2.5k.
Your dp cant afford the 5k alone...

But once assessed your salary will mean full fees ie 10k are due and you'll be liable....

Thats a no from me.

He started private at 11 - they had absolutely NO business doing that unless they knew they had assets to cover the duration or tge majority of the duration.
Hoping/ assuming you'll find the money each month is no strategy at all... as your dp is finding out...

Absolutely fine. OP should choose herself .

I personally wouldn’t be providing those details or signing anything on the principle that I don’t believe in private schools. State schools all the way.

id love to live in a huge house beside the sea and drive a Porsche but I can’t afford it so I live within my means. Your partner has to adjust his expectations and start living within his budget.

I don't know why you are getting the blame for this OP. It's his dad who has changed the living situation through choice, meaning he can no longer afford to fund his chosen education. The fact that he can't afford it isn't your problem. He needs to move out.

Yes that is a fair point, it was just how I read The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. But maybe they didn’t email OP directly, you are right.

I did a quick Google and found one example of “when parents are separated, the incomes of both households will be taken into account” and similar which surprised me but maybe that is how these things work. (This one here https://www.cityoflondonschool.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/09/Guide-to-Transformational-Bursaries-Sept-2024.pdf)

I would get your DP to speak to the school and explain the situation.

They won't want to lose a pupil if they can avoid it. He needs to explain your position as a couple, and that if the bursary is taken away then they will lose a student. Explain the issues relating to safeguarding (if they don't already know) and that it would be best for the children's wellbeing to stay.

Schools have discretion and they should deal with this in a constructive manner.

Of course she can. And the school will then remove the bursary for non-disclosure.

Also, anyone suggesting they pretend not to be living together, drawing up a fake lodger contract etc (not the poster I’m replying to), there is likely to be something in the bursary paperwork about the information given being accurate and requiring a declaration of a change of circumstances.

The OP’s partner will have signed this in return for the bursary. Lying is literally the criminal offence of fraud.

If the OP helps her partner commit fraud, they could both be prosecuted

It is entirely fair. And no one is forcing the father to send his child to private school.
There will be families on 100% bursaries earning a pittance, with others queueing up for discounts. If the OP is earning thousands a month she can easily support the entire family and the father pay full fees. If she is earning a modest amount then the father still needs the discount.
None of this is forced. State schools are free.

If the parent is married then their child is the stepchild of the new spouse. This means for example that the RNRB can be used by the stepchild. It doesn't give the spouse legal obligations to support the child financially. The new spouse only gets parental responsibility if they also adopt the stepchild.

this is what i don’t understand:

you say that your son cannot see his mother any more, i’m guessing a court has decided this, but did they also decide that she now has 0 financial responsibility for him too?

because that doesn’t seem fair to your husband, who you say cannot afford the fees on his own.

also, if the school were taking her income into account and they don’t any more, but now they do yours, i guess they would remove the discount if you earn more than the exwife did, is that the case?

i would personally meet the bursar in person and explain the situation, maybe they think you’re married to the boy’s dad.

Correct . It’s a damn cheek the father is expecting this . After all she’s just ‘his girlfriend ‘,’they aren’t married’ and essentially she’s just a ‘random person’ ( mumsnet take on any partner of a man with children ).

To be honest people who think private school is the be all and end all might not be able to understand. But this could even be your child and you could still be unwilling to pay. My partner and I could afford private school but like you we felt we did not want to commit to it. It is for our child who we love more than anything, but still we did not feel the benefit warranted the stress. So there might be many reasons you wouldn’t want to pay.

That said, your partner might decide to split household because of the position he is in, I probably would if I felt the school was the only option that met my child’s needs. Neither of you would be wrong.

When DC started they had a bursary (it seems) and two parents possibly together. A divorce, court order for child to live with dad and no contact with mum, plus a new partner for dad probably wasn’t on anyone’s horizons. Life throws all sorts at people and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not have had every eventuality accounted for.

But if this man in your partner and you live together with his child, surely the child is now part of your family and you have to accept some financial responsibility for them? It sounds extremely harsh and uncaring of you to basically be saying that you won’t provide your financial details in the knowledge thst this will ultimately lead to the child losing their place at the school.

that is very different from laws surrounding jointly and severable liable

yes the ops income could be taken into account and I suggest that it is as a compromise in my initial post - just like a non dependent adult Childs income would be taken into account for housing benefit - no part of UC.

But to be liable for school fees for your boyfriends child is an over stretch by the school imo