To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

You're saying this as if everyone who gets with a parent shouldn't be aware that those kids will come first. You're speaking as if now the OP knows this particular man will put his kids first, she should put herself first.

Why would you get with a parent thinking that their kids won't be a priority over you?

Can his dad get a loan?

Look if i didnt have £XXXk saved and sitting in a fund earmarked for schooling i wouldnt be doing it these days.

And i say that as a high earner who is pro private not some private school hater.

If the dp had even 5 of the 7 years schools fees saved up (and he had 10 years to do so) his earnings now would mean he had surplus to cover the shortfall.

If he is that passionate about it he should look at remortgaging and investing the cash with a view to regularly drawing down.... Or agree an upfront payment (with discount) with the school.

It's a household expense. I don't see the point in assessing her income but then she isn't liable. As a family, they need to decide if their joint income will be spent on this and I think that is what the school are encouraging to a degree. If OP doesn't agree to use her money to pay the fees, it doesn't happen. If she does, then she accepts that she made that commitment and lives with the inconvenience of it.

The parents are to pay as would be said on any other thread or if op said ‘I want my stepchild to go to X school but his parents don’t’ everyone would say it’s his parents decision and butt out. Op is not an ATM

you are not even married

IF it £1000 a year to keep him in the school and you could easily afford it then that may well be different but Christ alive op you could be liable for £26k. No thank you !

I don't think that's fair. Nowhere has she said that the child shouldn't come first.

I fully and one hundred percent expect a parent to put their children first over and above another partner once their relationship with the child's parent has ended.

That's why being with a man with children has always been a deal breaker for me. I just can't be bothered.It's too complicated.

Nowhere has she said, this child should be a priority over her and you are just pulling that out of nowhere. Putting the stepchildren first doesn't mean you lay your income on the line and be liable for tens of thousands of this child's education for a decision to send him to a private school that neither of his actual parents could afford the pay for in the first place.

Quite frankly, he should never have been in there.If they were on the bread line even with affording the reduced fees.

I went to a state school, not a very good one. And I ended up as solicitor so, you know, private school isn't needed.

That's just a horrible thing to say that she shouldn't expect a child to come first.She does.She just doesn't want to pay his school fees and nor would I. Would you?

She should choose herself and leave him to sort out his son's school fees.

There is no way they can force this. Not your kid, not your responsibility. Tell them no. The two parents continue to be responsible.

It's completely normal for household income to be taken into account for bursaries, but it is a separate issue for them to make you jointly liable for fees.

This could spell the end of your relationship, however it may be for the best for him and DC to live separately while he is at school.

I didnt say the OP said that, i was speaking directly to the person that I quoted who made it seem as if the kid being the priority was new information the OP now knows.

This was social services and court ordered moved. What did both these say in relation to education? What was recommended in terms of school? What was agreed in terms of school- or was this silent? I'd be thinking that your partner knew about this, IE that he would be financially liable and he can't afford, and I'd be wondering why this wasn't discussed at the time. It wouldn't be a reason NOT to have residency, but an active decision about schooling (and the timing of a mice (if any) could have been made. Minimising stress for all.

In my posts , when did I say that ?
I have factually stated he will always choose his children .
She is not married to her partner . Her partner cannot afford the fees . This would be the point I would personally leave if my partner did not understand my take. That’s called free will.

Theres no manual, guidebook or law that tells someone that if they are a ‘step parent’ you must be liable for , lets face it unnecessary school fees . OP isn’t not feeding the child . She just doesn’t want to be liable for the mum and dad’s financial fuck up .

If she ‘should have known’ according to mumsnet , then so be it . The dad shouldn’t get another partner according to mumsnet anyway as all girlfriends/ wives of men with children are dispicable arent they ? Guess what that means ? The mum and dad need to own their own financial and parental incompetence .

Ah sorry

@CloverRiver IANAL but I suspect what you need to do is tell the school that you are co-renting a property as friends but have no relationship beyond that so are two households not one because legally this is the case. Not sure how the school could prove you are a couple and not just flat mates.

on the other hand, the school can have any rules it likes so if they threaten to increase the fees anyway, you and your partner have a decision to make…if you really fear he’ll leave you with all the bills in the next few years, I wonder if he’s a keeper?

You have no idea if this is the dad’s choice. It’s far more likely that the mum is now in prison or had a breakdown, if she’s got no contact and no maintenance.

Youre saying that she should leave as the child will always come first. I am saying that you should know the child will come first from the time you go on a second date with a parent.

So your suggestion is they should commit fraud? Do you also endorse this approach when people cohabit and it affects their benefits?

Very many kids with ‘mild’ autism do just fine in the state system. If your household income means that your DP DS is no longer eligible for a discount then he is no longer eligible. There’s no way round that. Your DP living with you will be making savings that he wouldn’t if he were supporting DS alone. The school will take this into account and it is completely up to them how they assess for bursaries.

I’d be helping your DP look at other options in the state sector because that’s the only realistic option given the circumstances.

This happens every year with uni loans. Student gets the £9k loan and Mum later decides to cohabit with BF. Next year, student gets £4k loan (based on total household income) and there’s a huge panic at the shortfall—Mum can’t afford it, student can’t afford it, and BF rightly doesn’t feel like it’s fair for him to fund his GF’s child’s uni education. The government thinks he should fund it. People need to think very carefully before moving in with BF/GF.

The child will lose their place anyway unless the poster coughs up 10, 20 grand a year for her boyfriends sons education.

I’m not going to argue with you as you aren’t even reading or understanding what I’ve said or the points I’ve made . I’m assuming you are a first wife ?

@CloverRiver I subsidised my partner and his kids for years, giving them lots of opportunities and a far better quality of life. We’re now separating because he cheated on me, and I’ll probably never see my “stepchildren” again.

Don’t be me!

Ok so dont sign it then? 🤷🏻‍♀️ you are not unreasonable to not want to help of course - it’s your money. Just tell the school that you refuse and they cannot have access. Why don’t need Mumsnet to validate your choice if you are sure? Sounds like your partner will struggle to pay the cost anyway - can he move out and rent with his child? That way you don’t live with them and the school cant access your money. He can still get the discount and will have to figure it out himself. It’ll probably mean the end of the relationship - but for you it means your money is safe and you arent liable - which is the point right? It’s not your child so the parents should be responsible. Not the long time partner of his dad. HTH, good luck.

I think that's totally reasonable. My understanding is that private schools fees are due per term so it would be a significant amount of debt even if you give notice.

The reality though, is that if you and your partner really want to put your step-son first, then you should be living separately unless you can negotiate with the school.

What's that got to do with anything? I am the third wife of ny fifteenth husband...

I think it’s fair that your income is included in the bursary assessment yes. If you are living with him I would treat him as fairly as my own child. It’s the most important 3 years of his education and I wouldn’t want to unsettle him anymore than he already has been. So I guess I’d sign