To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

I’d like to think that everyone has the best interests of the child in mind in this scenario, and it seems this school is the best place for him, so you need to find a way to make it work.

However, the school probably have a list of kids who would like/need a fee discount, so they do need to check on what a change of circumstance means for a child already paying cheaper fees.

You haven’t clarified if the house you share is rented, jointly owned or owned by just one of you and this would impact things.

Your DP needs to go to the school and disclose all his finances and if the house is his, state that you will be moving out if forced to co-sign and the rent & bill money that you currently pay will make him even worse off and he may need a larger discount.

Or, if it’s your house he needs to say that he would be moving out and the increased rent, bills etc he would have to pay as a single occupant would leave him worse off and again he’d need cheaper school fees.

Third option, if you co-own the house, would he legally sign a proportion of it over to you, then you “pay the additional school fees” but in reality you’re paying for a larger share of the house and your DP is selling off part of his house to pay for the school fees.

Or it may just be best for you guys to live separately anyway, regardless of the current set up. But the key is for you and your DP and the school to work together to find a solution that keeps the child’s place at school.

youre not married and its nothing to do with you - imagine if dp had a lodger living in the house.

how do the school know you live with your dp?
the school have no jurisdiction to involve you to be jointly and severally liable for a students fees. Id not want to show them my income but would this be a compromise to keep the dc at the school.
If the joint income is relevant now - what wasn't the joint incomes of the household relevant previously?

It is entirely normal for private schools to assess household income for bursary eligibility because they also look at how much is needed to run the household and how much of that you are subsidising - your partner has more spare cash than if he were a single parent paying full mortgage,bills etc,. They will also take into account other children in the household who need providing for etc so it is relevant. Same as university support assessments and benefits, this is not just a private school thing - if you want people to give your household means tested benefits or loans or discounts you need to provide that information.

I've worked in several private schools and this is standard. Some also consider extended family's ability to contribute eg grandparents! Bursary pots are small and private schools are financially taking a real hit right now so they need to direct it to the place it is most needed.

Asking you to sign to be jointly liable for fees is not standard, however. That's the bit I would be querying.

I would question the ethos of the school and their values if they would exclude a child based purely on cost, bearing in mind the trauma he has suffered.

I get the feeling the father has not grabbed this, taken control of it and arranged a meeting with the Head.
That is the first step.

@CloverRiver I get the feeling from your post that your DP is not very proactive, hence you coming here to ask advice.

His very first step is to go into the school and talk this over.

What is more likely is that as he lived with his mother and is male, any abuse he endured over 13 years was ignored until now.

But it is, because this is how financial liability is calculated for the purposes of things like benefits, bursaries and other funding. Being a partner and family unit isn't the same as being a lodger, clearly

Can you actually afford the fees? I mean if the school did look at your income/outgoings would it be clear that you could afford them or clear that you couldn’t afford them?

If, even with your income included, the son is still eligible for the bursary it might be worth the intrusiveness of doing the financial review just to keep the status quo. (Ie bursary, but you aren’t liable for any fees).

How long have you been with DP and do you have children together?

You could also just go in and have a meeting with the school and explain that the son, having recently been through a big trauma is now going to have to leave or you will have to move out so he’s still eligible (for example). I’m not saying they would break the rules for you, but there might be some other financial award he is now eligible for or they might amend the policy on household income to apply only on marriage etc.

The DP lives with HER.

They will have to had to complete a form giving the boy's new address. Which will not be his mother's.

I'm pretty sure her first posts say his ex wife was paying some fees but can't now.

Precisely this.
Nothing to do with OP.

At the end of the say, this relationship is not working for OP. The bursary is unlikely to be maintained by the school, OP doesn't want (and why should she) to help pay.
DP will have to figure it out on his own.

You need to get legal advice from a SEN education lawyer. DM if you want a recommendation.

Sounds like your dp simply can’t afford to have him in this school full stop as if he’s struggling now while living with you while he has the discount, he’d be struggling worse living in his own. He needs to accept he can no longer afford this luxury, just like the rest of us with ND kids in mainstream schools have to. That’s life.

It sounds as though the parents chose a school they could not afford, given your comments about DP not being able to afford the current fees.
Realistically your partnership may not survive this, if you refuse to pay the fees the child will likely have to move schools which may add to his distress and your DP is unlikely to forgive you. If you do agree to pay you will probably feel increasingly resentful especially if the fees go up and there are lots of extras to pay for. The only realistic solution is for you to move out and live separately in the hope that the DC will continue to get a bursary - but would that cost you as much as the fees?

Exactly this, it's terrifying to dismiss the child's situation with "well he's been fine for 13 years"!

Shouldn’t the payments stay as they are? Both parents paying

Then he has to leave the school. 🤷🏼‍♀️

You are not married. I am not sure why the school would say this. Co-habiting does not make you responsible for a child that is not yours. It's none of their business. Tell them no and for partner to be upset is totally unreasonable. Why should you be responsible for fees of a child that is not yours? This makes absolutely no sense to me at all.

but being jointly and severally liable is just not part of being a girlfriend of the father of the child - even if living in the household

council tax for example is jointly and severable liable but that doesn't include people that are not on the tenancy/home owner etc they can be named as living their but not liable

Surely if OP’s income is being considered, if it is high enough then full fees will be due, so Op could be on the hook for anything up to the full annual fees? (So £30,000-£50,000 a year)? Or are schools only allowed to make a non-married, co-habiting partner pay a maximum of 1/3-1/5 of fees? Which would seem odd.

How did the school get hold of your email address? Did you give it to them or did your DP?

Can you just block the email address and ignore the emails?

No I absolutely wouldn't not become legally responsible for paying the fees. But I suppose its the household income that is taken into account so the school is right to want to see proof of your income. But that doesn't mean you need to give permission.

Is this because you are joint owners of the property?

But the couple can’t afford it, and it’s not rocket science to think if you can’t afford something, you can’t have it. No matter how much easier it would be. Not taking away from the child’s recent experience, but the maths ain’t mathing. Support is available at state schools, there are kind and understanding teachers at state schools. Sometimes we have to realise, we can’t always get what we want…

When you partner recently went to court to get full residence of his son did the issue of school fees come up at all? Is the change only triggered when the child officially switches residence? Has the child's mother's financial situation negatively changed? Why on earth wouldn't she want to pay for her own child- who has already suffered by switching residence - and now potentially schools and stability in new home?

I can understand your concern about taking on a financial commitment of this size. Particularly if you are still liable whether you leave or he leaves. If I was in doubt about the relationship I'd bail now. If I wasn't, I'd take the risk as it would come out in the wash. If I was super worried and wanted to hedge, I'd see if there was a counter document that could be drawn up via a lawyer.

It is part of it. Same as if a bloke moves in with a single mum. His income is counted and her benefit entitlement is reassessed as a result. It doesn't mean he HAS to make up any shortfall though. She just better hope she picked well and he will.

Where does it say they emailed OP- have they not just contacted her partner?
Or, as the child lives with them both now, maybe she had to give all her contact details .