To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

Obviously, it’s unfair and sadly, it’s nearly always the woman who gets shafted by this.

LOL it’s far more common for stepfathers to take financial responsibility for their stepkids actually. Owing to the fact that the vast majority of kids of separated parents live with their mum most or all the time. So it’s men who get shafted by it, not women.

He needs to move out to keep the bursary,

Technically there is a legal definition of a step child. Its relevant in Wills/IHT etc. Just for clarity.

Exactly. It really puts women in a precarious situation where you are forced to become too integrated and dependent on a new(er) relationship with someone who isn't a biological co-parent.

Why is it unfair? Why should the state and taxpayers pay more for children in stepfamilies than in nuclear families?

Very unusual for SS to hand over care of a 13 yo

I mean the woman must be living with a rapist or worse?

Hes been fine for 13 years………

I don't really see the problem, you live together and your joint income will come into play for lots of things. It will be beneficial when applying for things like mortgages but also needs to be considered when claiming additional support like bursaries and student finance (uni).

You can't have it both ways and if the OP was male on the same income, they would get absolutely flamed for posting this.

But I can see what is happening here - the school has to assess household income when handing out bursaries, otherwise it is not fair. They can’t start analysing whose divorce/custody issues are fair or not. If you don’t want to have your income assessed, why don’t you and your partner start paying full fees?

Sorry I missed the part in your OP when you said you are not married. However, even though his mum is zero contact, I wouldn't have thought that this automatically absolves her of liability for school fees or child maintenance.

Private schools are independent financial businesses. I used to work in one.
They can do what they want. However, I have known rules be bent in cases of genuine need.

The fact this child has been taken away from his mother as she was not fit to parent, should encourage the school to show some leniency with fees - or maybe they could extend the repayment time so his dad pays even when the son has left.

No, it’s a legal child if the child is adopted. Then the husband is the child’s father, not stepfather.

Tell me where English law defines the term stepparent and what obligations are attached to this status.

@CloverRiver Can't your partner get a loan just like someone would for a car or a house extension?

Also- if you had moved into your partner's home would the same apply? Because the school would not need to know, surely if he had a girlfriend living with him?

If they did, what if he had numerous new girlfriends over the next 3 years? Would they be counted as household income?

What's happened to the house your partner lived in?
Did it all go to his wife?
Why has he no assets?

Maybe she’s in prison, maybe she’s been abusing him, maybe she had a mental breakdown causing him harm. Who knows but clearly he wasn’t “fine”.

Surely that's an adopted child not a step child

That is basically the rub of it.

No rudeness meant to you or yours but the school are means testing household income in the same way as gov do for benefits and university funding.

So yes, you will need to either provide evidence of income or refuse but either case will see the removal of the bursary and make it unaffordable.

What your boyfriend needs to remember is that he has full custody because the boys mother us unsuitable so the schooling is second to that.

He either needs to find a way to pay full fees or consider moving out if it will bring him back into eligibility for the bursary.

Unfortunately it sounds like he has gone for full custody of his son and not thought through that his ex wife will not be happy to pay for a son she can't see. We don't know the full circumstances, nor do we need to, but he really needs to untangle the idea of having a girlfriend doesn't mean having a replacement wife/mother.

Your last line is the strangest comment I have ever seen on MN.

No it is women because they become entirely dependent on their partner sharing their views of what is necessary for their child.

I'll give one example. A friend moved in with her boyfriend. No real red flags beforehand but they had today separate finances so nothing came up like this. He didn't have kids but seemed to get on with her boy alright. Her son's dad is in jail so useless as well.

When they moved in together, new boyfriend was not on board with how much uniform costs throughout the year. He said they should buy one batch of uniform and shoes at the start of the year and he grows into that. All money was paid into his account at first and then when she did get it changed, it would be something like £100 she got after his earnings.

It quickly became financially abusive. Reality is that I don't think he was prepared for how much he would have to subsidise the whole household and he quickly became resentful and used his power to say no. He should have been forewarned too.

We don’t know he chose to go for custody, the ex might be in prison or a secure facility.

But yes, he can’t expect OP to become de facto mother without as much as a conversation.

‘Common law husband and wife’ is not ‘still a thing’ because in England and Wales it never has been a thing (I believe it was once possible in Scotland though not any more).

It’s a dangerous myth that regularly leaves SAHMs not married to the father of their children in incredibly poor situations with no claim on any assets in his name if they split.

This has come about only because DSS has a bursary. Of course school will reassess based on household income; it wouldn't be fair on other pupils if they didn't.

DP can decline to give your financial info but acknowledge that if assessed, it would result in removal of the bursary and that full fees now apply.

It's between you and DP whether you choose to help him out with gifts or loans over the next 3 years (why not 6th form btw?). If you choose not to, and he can't fund his son's school through other means (loan, grandparents etc) then he can no longer afford to send his son to independent school. Harsh but a consequence of the situation unfortunately.

If fees are back to 100% and your DP is paying them, I don't see any reason why you should sign to accept any responsibility. School wouldn't exclude DSS because someone who lives with him hasn't accepted responsibility for fees. School probably is financially pressured and won't want to lose a pupil so it is worth your DP asking for a F2F meeting with the bursar.

I'll ask again-

What happened to your partner's share of the marital home?
Why has he no assets?

Why has he moved in with you?
Can he not rent so that he is officially living as a single man but you still see each other?

I don’t think the school is being unreasonable. Although you are not the mother, you are in a stable relationship with his father and have lived together for a number of years. Bursaries are usually paid for by other parents unless your child is attending a smart public school with deep coffers. Other parents will be paying increased fees due to inflation and the recent tax changes. If their fees are also need to support your DP’s child, it is right that your DP’s finances are properly scrutinised. With approximately half of children now being born outside marriage, and increased rates of divorce and merged families, it is right that those requesting financial support are equally scrutinised.

When DC were at school, I knew one family that paid nearly all the DF’s income into pensions and another living in a 2m home that were subsidised by many paying full fees who had lower incomes and wealth.

I think you need to make it very clear to the school that you have no financial or parental role in sk’s life and as you do not have any say in the choice of education or the kid coming to live with you, you are unwilling to sign anything. Your DP is very entitled if he expects you to agree to this.

Why would you think this matters?

Then I encourage you to look at the bigger picture of the post and the likelihood of this situation being realistic