To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

@CloverRiver this is a similar thread to yours that you may want to have a look at. I think this is the thread @ElvesGetReady was referring to.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5408233-to-pay-my-boyfriends-childs-school-fees?utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=IwY2xjawN5f0NleHRuA2FlbQIxMABicmlkETBGdnM0OUVPa0hRSWVkNjNxc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQQMjIyMDM5MTc4ODIwMDg5MgABHiWn8tuwgZloH8FQQaaJC8U_Bw6YayvTh3Q5V1LIZO50NzaPJKq71rNOGORC_aem_GNAYOEk78La7L1L0oDl9Vw#Echobox=1757599109

Bursaries are not fixed amounts, they are needs based assessments based on household income and affordability.

I swear people are talking out of their arse. Bursaries at different schools will have different rules. Some will pay all school fees others will be capped at a certain amount to, for example, allow the school to support more children.

My son had a bursary many years ago and it was a ruthless process. Even our cars were valued and my late father asked re his pensions (he lived with us).
@CloverRiver it sounds like you feel manipulated into to paying this money so I suspect you are seen as the high earner? Was the DC in this school before you moved in together? If that's the case you haven't made this commitment.

Anyone who moves in with a lower earning partner with children knows that at some point you may be asked to sub that partner. It's naive to think you wouldn't. I'm not suggesting you've been targeted by your partner but it may be coming from the absent parent. My sister had this and paid for years as the biological mother chose not to.

Think what you want to do long term as this is a devastating situation for the child and although it's not your child it's a bit shit to just say I'm not doing it. I think that would be the end of your relationship with the partner and son.

So, if I shared a flat with a workmate, cousin, rando anyone, their kids’ school could ask to assess my income and consider it fair game? With no legal or biological connection to the child?

I find that bizarre.

Every woman has a choice on how many children to have. If ballet is something she wants in her future child’s life, she should consider how she can pay for it. If she splits from the father, she has a choice on whether to shack up with another man. If she wants to, she can choose who based on their values.

Making out that women are passive victims of men and passengers in their own lives is disingenuous.

Benefits shouldn’t be for ballet anyway.

No because you’d have separate rental agreements.

Yes but the OP has no relationship with the school. They can ask for information but she owes them nothing

I agree, I think the mother is throwing her toys out of the pram to make problems for her ex because she doesn’t like the court judgement. Unfortunately if she’s on PIP as OP said, she won’t be held responsible for private school commitments .

It’s a bit shit for OP to be dunned for thousands of pounds due to a situation entirely not of her making.

The child is in counseling, which can help him with the transition to a state school. Perhaps the change will be beneficial.

I wasn’t referring to the OP’s particular circumstances and still maintain that it’s nearly always women on a low income who get shafted.

A single mum looking after kids and trying to meet someone new. If he moves in, the mother is penalised by the benefits system as it’s assumed that the new bloke is now contributing to the household finances inc. supporting the children.

In many cases, the bloke will be unwilling to take responsibility for a whole new family unit and is only looking for a live in housekeeper/sex provider. So the mum is left with an even bigger financial burden.

Men are rarely penalised in this way as they still prioritise their own spending so suggest ridiculous things like 50/50 contribution to the household bills instead of an equitable split that would leave both partners with equal amounts of spending money after the bills are paid.

So many women accept being treated badly by men and the State.

Well, presumably op and her boyfriend do, too.
Their relationship has no more legal significance than would mine and my workmate.

In this case, I would just tell the school, thanks to them you guys split so they can bugger off. How would they know if you stayed together? They are looking to get the boy off the bursary and get the full school's fee from you.....

"Every woman has a choice on how many children to have"

In theory. In reality, we have unequal access to healthcare, education and family planning services. The fact that you don't understand this basic premise means that you will never understand the plight of women less advantaged than you. You'll assume they had the same information and options that you did and if you do that, you'll blame them for where they went wrong.

As a young single mother out of an abusive relationship, I met women like you in positions of power over me. They were some of the most awful humans I've ever encountered. A lot of women in my position would say the same. We would pray that the person we have to meet or talk to from whatever service or agency was a man, just for a bit of empathy.

No one responsible for children needs to be “moving a man in” while the children are minors.

‘Parental responsibility’ is a legal term. It doesn’t just mean having responsibility for a child.

The OP has either been to court and had PR awarded or she hasn’t. In this case she hasn’t so she doesn’t have PR.

You’re right, I’ll never understand your complete lack of personal accountability or duty to your own children. But keep blaming everyone else. You’re lucky to live in a country which (currently) allows you to.

So women get one shot at a relationship and family unit/kids and that's it?

So if your partner died when you your kid was 1, you can't ever have another partner until they are 18? Even if you were 25 when that happened?

Thank god our ancestors didnt think that way as half of us wouldnt be here having this conversation right now. We were the result of subsequent marriages after the death of a spouse (often who already had children).

Only if you are cohabiting with them to the legal standard and/or they are relevant under the rules of the bursary.

https://www.weightmans.com/insights/what-is-cohabitation-or-living-together-and-why-is-it-important/

A private organisation offering money can set any non-discriminatory rules they like - a PP has said they took into account her father’s income because he lived with them.

Many studies have concluded that women are not under paid. They earn less because they work less.

please stop making women out to be victims. We aren’t. People reap the consequences of poor choices.

So the whole gender pay gap is just made up?

And I'm the misogynist? Hear this abused women, it's all our fault!

No, this is part of the assessment form:

Complete this form if you are:
• The student’s natural or adoptive parent;
• The student’s step-parent;
• The husband, wife, civil partner or cohabiting partner of one of the student’s parents;
• The student’s husband, wife or civil partner; or
• The student’s partner, if the student is over 25 and you live with them as though you are married or in a civil partnership

Like university loans, they are based on household income, she doesn't need to provide the information, but the school are likely to remove the bursary if they are unable to assess the household income.