To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

We have no idea if they’re renting, if they own a house together, if she owns the house outright. From what she’s said though, her income is high enough that it’d mean no discount.

It sounds like the DP and his ex have been fiddling the system from the start anyway, as they are both subsidised by their partners.

Have you tried getting a meeting with an actual person at the school to explain:-

Stepson has 2 parents who are legally responsible for supporting him. At the moment mum is refusing to do so placing a large amount of financial pressure on dad who is struggling even with the bursary.

You are not a parent and have no legal financial responsibility for step son.

You are not married and finances are not shared. Nor is he a child of the marriage as there is no marriage.

Whilst you care for stepson you are not his mother and are not willing to pay for school fees.

Stepson is incredibly vulnerable having been abused then abandoned by mum. His whole world has been turned upside down. If the bursary is removed Dad would not be able to afford it and he would need to move to state school which would further destabilise him.

Tbh that’s not outing self

I assumed it was 50% as normal for bursary I have 2 friends whose kids get it and one a scholarship

is there a way he is talented at anything and can get a scholarship ?

so you would need to pay £1200 a month if loses it so £14k a year roughly

as I said previously only chance is to talk to school about how him having the discount means he can attend

dpmust be on a fairly good wage to be able to afford a spare £14k a year but obv not huge salary to afford double that to pay average school fees

how long have you been with dp @CloverRiver

how long have you lived together ?

any plans to get married /talked about it previously

can you afford £1400 a month on top of all bills rent /mortgage and still have a comfortable life ?

do you split /share the pot now in accounts ?

its is a lot to ask. A big commitment but depends how much you earn really ?

and what you have left at end of each month

plus do you have any dc yourself ? If you do , do they go to state school ?

So basically, to put it another way, your stepson will lose the bursary because of you. Because you earn too much! (and because you are refusing to pay) If you weren't in the picture, he would be able to keep the bursary. I think you need to leave the relationship and the shared home for his sake.

That's why I asked of the child was attending this school before they moved into together. If not surely the DP would have discussed it with the OP? Being the higher owner I know I paid for many more things than my DH but we're married and I'm the private school fan not him.
Things have reversed recently and if it helps my DD is SEN and got better help in the state system.

Yes. Focus on the kids, not the crotch. They can date when the kids are with their father, grandparents etc but they don’t need to be moving an unrelated man into their children’s home and life.

Second marriages back then were of mutual convenience as often the man needed childcare/a housekeeper and the woman needed an income. In modern times the woman’s income is provided by the state. If she chooses to move a man in who doesn’t want to contribute to her household income, that’s her (stupid and detrimental to her children) choice.

Best to start looking at state schools, his parents can't afford private without the bursary.

Isn't the bursary going anyway? You disclose your income and the bursary is withdrawn. You refuse disclosure and the result is the same?

So why wasnt it the OP's stupid and detrimental choice to move in with a man knowing her income would be counted towards the household for things like this?

You have to decide if your relationship is worth spending £36,000 on. Only you can answer that.

Just email the school and tell them you broke up. I’m not sure why they’re even asking - they can’t legally go after someone without parental responsibility for the fees even if they say they’ll cover it. Eg many kids have been withdrawn at my dc’s private school because grandparents have suddenly changed their minds & there is nothing the school can do about it

If I were in OP’s situation and my partner’s kid went to a private school, I’d see that as his choice from his personal funds and nothing to do with me.

Yes. It’s outdated propaganda.

So they completely lose the chance of further companionship or dare I say, children?

Really girls girls here arent we?

But that's the whole point of a bursary - if the parents truly can't afford it, the school offers the bursary. However, from what I understand, the OP's income has made the child ineligible for a bursary as the OP could pay for the child (which the OP doesn't want to). So the OP is in effect, responsible for the child not being able to get a bursary.

Because for the vast majority of people, becoming a stepparent means being responsible for the child’s essential costs whilst in your home, whilst their actual parents pay for anything on top. Private school and ballet are nice to have options, not essentials.

If they can’t afford to keep the children they have in the manner they want without benefits, they definitely don’t need more!

I've not read the full thread but I have my suspicions were talking about a Steiner School.

It’s more than £36,000 when you consider the lost opportunity to invest the money for long term growth and OP’s future security/pension. Exponentially more.

Depending on OP’s age and investment horizon, that amount could grow into enough to live on for several years of her retirement.

No one is looking out for OP in this scenario.

OP is looking out for herself by the sounds of it. Good for her.

My apologies if this has been asked but if the OP is on the contact sheet that's going to be enough for the school!

The law assumes women are gold diggers?

I think you may need to return to the incel site from whence you came.

Exactly this....it is not essential like food. It is a luxury. The dc does not need to go to private, he could go to state. It is not up to her to pay. It sounds like she has to take herself out of the equation though, at least in the eyes of the school. As they seem keen for her to pay full fees.

She just needs to tell her partner that she’s not paying. What he does next is his choice.