To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

If you read the OP’s posts you will see that the DP will not be able to afford the fees if he moves out even if he then qualifies for a bursary. The only way the DP can afford the fees is if OP contributes or subsidises him in another way.

How much do the school know about the reasons why your partner's son has come to live with you full time? Any school with decent pastoral care would understand that the risk of him having to move school as well would be profoundly detrimental to his wellbeing. Some schools will even increase the size of a bursary/waive fees depending on whether they have a large enough endowment - my son's school fully funds fees for approximately 10% of each year group for bright kids who would never otherwise be able to afford private education.

You partner should be having a full and frank conversation with them about what is going on and why. If they cannot be compassionate and continue the bursary until his GCSEs are done, then maybe it is not a great environment for him to be in anyway.

Tough, he needs to seecthecschool and explain then, either he gets more work, takes son away to a new school or asks for a payment plan, why has the bursary stopped.

So she gets a better paid job or a better paid boyfriend. Or continues to sponge off the taxpayer for her kids’ non-essential extracurriculars instead

The bursary will be recalculated on his sole income to ensure that it is affordable taking into account reasobable living costs. Thats how bursaries work, they are a needs assessment.

It will be affordable for this childs dad as a single parent.

It will not be affordable if he lives with a partner who could afford to pay but refuses to.

I think it’s completely fair when assessing bursaries they assess all household income. Otherwise every unmarried couple could opt for relying upon one income.

You should not have to sign an agreement to be responsible for school fees. School is unreasonable there.

if it’s all moot, just be firm. He cannot expect you to fund school unless you’re a shared finances relationship.

In that case then as sad as it is the kid doesn't get to go to private school. You are not financially responsible for his school fees and it us unreasonable for your DP to expect you to pay. If the child's DM is no longer paying and your DP can't afford the school fees anymore then the kid will have to go to a state school as the parent(s) can no longer afford the school fees for him.

OP has clearly said that if her income is included, they won’t qualify for the reduction. So there’s absolutely no point in sharing your financial information with an unconnected institution for no reason.

Society doesnt work that way. Especially for oppressed groups like women. You can't just conjure up a better paid job with the flexibility necessary to parent. Nor can you conjure up a boyfriend who agrees to financially support you and your children while agreeing with how you use said finances. That's why I started this by saying that the idea that people shouldn't be expected to pay for their partner's children is anti-woman. It is usually women who require this support from men, some more than others.

What a crap situation.
I think, having read your posts and people's responses, have your DP write a detailed letter explaining the situation (or reminding them if they already know about what's happened with DSC's mum) and asking for some flexibility - even if it's until the end of the academic year to give him time to get his duck's in a row. Reminding them about the child in all of this, who has been removed from his mother's care and subsequently disowned by her.

Even if he can't swing the money by then / your stance doesn't change, it would give the child some time to prepare for the change.

How do you know he can afford £1200 a month plus all their living expenses? It’s almost always cheaper to live with a partner, and he’s barely affording £1200 now.

No, thats simply not true. The bursary will be recalculared annually on a needs basis. If his household income goes down, the bursary goes up. Just as if his household income goes up (due to a partner), then his bursary goes down.

The level bursaries are set at is affordable based on reasonable living costs.

Like it or not, you're in a relationship with somebody who has a school age child, and that child is living with you both! You can't claim to have 'no parental responsibility' for them at all - what if they brought a load of drugs into the house, would you just look the other way? You're not going to earn any respect from them with that attitude.

Regarding the money, as horrible as it sounds, I think you need to give your DP a choice between keeping their child in this private school, or keeping you and moving their child to a mainstream school. You may have separate finances, but together you are a family unit and both need to agree on how your money should be spent.

Misogynist bullshit, but you do you.

It's facts based on the sexist patriarchal society we live in. It starts because women are typically the RPs and also already underpaid in the workforce.

Unless court decided that mum does not have parental responsibilities the school cannot just cut her off!

I would seek legal advice here.

So fuck him then I guess?

If the school has the relevant information (the household income assessment) and makes a decision based on that, her DP could then have a meeting with them to discuss the circumstances and see if there is any leeway with the mitigating circumstances (the court order and upheaval etc), you don't know if you don't ask.

There is absolutely ZERO chance the school will entertain any of that is it looks like they are purposely hiding their household income from them (which is what OP is essentially doing), for all they know OP could be a millionaire.

OP needs to do the assessment (no matter what it means to the end result) to give them the best chance of keeping the child in school. Otherwise he'll be gone anyway, all because OP was digging her heels in about having to disclose her income!

The school can attach whatever Ts and Cs they wish to a bursary. If this is that it is based on household income then there's nothing you can do about that. It is similar to the way uni students are assessed for maintenance loans. They are based on household income regardless of the other adults in the home not being related or what other expenses / other children they might have / support.

If assessing your income means your DSS no longer gets the bursary, this is about whether or not you are prepared to subsidise the fees - either directly or indirectly and not about whether you have to sign something to say you will be jointly liable for the fees.

If you are sure that would be the outcome, then your options are a) subsidise the fees, b) live separately, c) your DSS moves schools.

If your DP can only afford the current fees of £1200 if he remains living with you then separating is not going to help.

As others have said, it may be worth exploring if there are compassionate reasons for the bursary continuing (d).

It is only if you decide to do a) or if d) applies that you need to be worrying about what you are signing or could be liable for.

Will your relationship survive if you refuse to support your family with this? Ultimately your DH will want what's best for his DS and your refusing to consider yourselves a family unit may cause resentment (especially if DS moves school and it causes problems for him). I really don't understand people co-habiting with someone with kids unless they are prepared to go all in. Lots of step parents end up helping with university living expenses because of how the maintenance loan is assessed (however unfair that whole system seems).

You are arguing that the OP refusing to pay for her partner's child is anti-woman despite the fact that she is a woman?

Yet again, the bursary will be reassessed and set an affordable level in relation to household income. Thats how they work, and literally the point of them.

What you can't do is ring fence a large chunk of household income and expect them to disregard it because someone in the household could afford to pay, but doesnt want to.

Presumably the £1200 was last years figure assessed on DP and his ex both paying. Given the circumstances it will now be reassessed on his household income (which currently includes OP) and set at an affordable level based on that. If OP moves out it will be assessed on his sole income and set at a level affordable on that.

Bursaries are not fixed amounts, they are needs based assessments based on household income and affordability.

No. This was a separate conversation within the thread where someone said that nobody should pay for children that aren't theirs. Hunt back if you so wish.

Sounds like they are receiving a bursary from the school which is means tested.

You seem more confident of this than the OP. Do you know happen to know which school the DP’s son goes to and the terms of the bursary?

the school are hedging their bets on - if anything goes wrong" then they have Cloverriver to fall back on to get the money

They don't care where the money comes from, they are making up the rules as they go along and trying their luck

Perhaps you and your dp have to try your luck.. move out - relationship broke down over the private schooling, it was the final nail in the coffin black blah blah

If the kid has to leave the school then thats just tough shit. He’ll just have to join the rest of the vast majority of the population, including those with SEN, who go to state school.