To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

What do you mean?

It’s because his mother has decided not to contribute. If OP stays with her partner she needs to be very clear on that narrative with SS.

You said there are laws that mandate that a live in partner counts as household income irrespective of marriage.

This isn't true for the purposes of child maintenance, because the law has the common sense to recognise that step-parents aren't financially responsible for their step-children.

Thankfully!

There are lots of cocklodgers who target single mums, move in, and convince the mum that they don't need to contribute to rent and bills because she would have had to pay them any way.

The OP has no parental responsibility or rights over the child. Her DP could leave with the child tomorrow and she would be stuck paying the school fees for a child with whom she has no contact.

Its simply absurd to keep comparing this private service with applications for government benefits. Private schools provide a private service for money - the child’s parents had signed up for this, not the OP.

I’ve read some nonsensical threads on here about step mothers but honestly this expectation that the partner of one parent “should” stump up tens of thousands for a private service for a child who could leave her home forever tomorrow really takes the biscuit.

Yes because they count it the other way. A live- in partner and dependents reduces the NRP'z (dad) CM. It is assumed that the RP (mum) will go on to meet a man who will step up and pay for her and her child(ren). So everyone (really) pays for the children in their house. Not the ones they made.

You have completely avoided answering the question twice so I'll move on.

this will be down to whats in the origninal contract. I dont think the school is batshit to reassess whether or not DSS is still eligible for the bursary - I imagine there is a clause int he contract that covers this - however to bring you into it when you are not married to his father nor have parental responsibilty is bonkers.

If you read my post again, I’m not suggesting that op should make herself liable, I’m suggesting that she should be thinking about how to best support this lad through a horrendous time and there’s almost nothing in her posts indicating that she wants to problem solve that. Not stepmother material imo, shouldn’t be living with him and in doing so both her and the father are risking the boys place at school and potentially putting more of a burden on him. This boy is going to be a difficult teenager I can pretty much guarantee it, she should consider her limitations and at the very least stop cohabiting.

Your DP needs to meet with the bursar. He needs to spell out that you are not responsible for his son’s education. He need to explain that all he can afford is £1200 a month and try and negotiate. He will need to be prepared to remove his son from the school if he can’t afford it. Schools have plenty of scope for negotiation, or they used to. It’s a tough climate and they may well prefer him to stay on at 50% than leave.

He has not lost his school space because of the OP refusing to pay. It is actually because his actual MOTHER refuses to pay. If the boyfriend didn't live with the OP he STILL couldn't afford to pay. This is about him taking on responsibilities beyond his financial means.

I've not read anyone saying she should sign up to pay his fees.

The two are separate things entirely, they may have asked for both things, but OP is under no obligation to sign a contract with the school and I doubt they can make her, in order to do the assessment for bursary they do need the household income details though.

Isn't the assessment done independently of the school anyway? Student Finance England? Filling in an assessment has no relation to contracts with any individual school?

The son will not qualify for assistance if the op’s earnings are deemed to be high. The father is already struggling to pay the fees so basically the op is going to be chaffed on this.

I can confidently predict that it will be five years not three years because he will need to stay for sixth form.

As others have said this is a similar situation to university student finance. It isn’t a fair system for step parents or new partners but there’s no choice in the rules.

i expect I’ll get some hate for this, but my DH and I delayed moving in together until our DC had all finished university. I’m on a low income so would have lost benefit top ups as well as my DC not getting full maintenance loans. DH and I used the system to suit our financial circumstances and in your situation @CloverRiver, I think you need to do whatever suits you not your DP.

100% this, but here we have posters berating the op and asking how can she live with herself/sleep at night for not paying these thousands of pounds of fees!

Yes. But that is how the law intends it to be. Or the lawmakers I should say.

It's basically up to the woman to choose fhe right person who will consistently provide for her and her children. Whether they are his or not.

They assume that men will step up, but only as much as they see fit. So if your new partner thinks that ballet is a waste of money, he gets to make that call because he now funds it. If not directly, then indirectly.

Yes, but if OP doesn't fill in the assessment he will lose it anyway.. so what is the point of digging your heels in over it? She is just being awkward for the sake of it.

The assessment is completely separate from the contract!

I'd personally talk to the school if I was the DP, but how can he do that is OP is refusing to even do the basic requirements of filling in the assessment form? part of the decision the school make is based on the household income assessment and how can they be expected to do ANYTHING without that?

OP is just being awkward here and no one can do anything if they don't fill in the relevant paperwork to start the ball rolling.

Or the mum has a job and pays for ballet herself…

I'm amazed that so many people think that OPs DP should (and would) prioritise his girlfriend over what is best for his child. A child who is, by all accounts, vulnerable, traumatised and has been completely failed by his other parent.

Surely everyone can see that this father needs to prioritise his son and do whatever it takes to ensure hes not subjected to more trauma and upheaval?

This means keeping him in his existing school. Luckily, he has a bursary, and so school fees are set at a level which is affordable based on household income. If his girlfriend refuses to be assessed or contribute, he surely has no choice but to prioritise the wellbeing of his son, end his relationship and have the bursary legitimately recalculated on his new, sole, household income, thereby ensuring that the fees remain affordable.

Its reasonable for OP to not want to contribute if she doesn't consider them to be a commited family unit or feel that she wants to assume responsibility towards his son. However by doing so she backs her DP into a corner whereby he has to end his relationship with her to protect his son from further upheaval and maintain his stability.

Its a shit situation all round, but the loser in this is the poor kid, who needs and deserves his father to prioritise his wellbeing and stability above a non committed girlfriend who feels no responsibility towards his son.

Its quite unusual on MN for so many people to think that a girlfriend should be priotitised over a vulnerable, traumatised, ND child who has already been let down and likely abused by his other parent.

Because it looks very likely that if DP left OP, he couldn’t afford the reduced fees plus and his and his son’s living costs anyway. So if he wants to flounce because she won’t pay, he can, but the outcome isn’t any better for his son.

This.

She used to do that using her UC top ups on her low paid job, but now she has a live in partner, she's lost those and she's having enough trouble getting him to pay the portion of rent she's lost, ballet is unfortunately a secondary priority to that.

No one is berating OP for not wanting to pay the fees.

THE ASSESSMENT and THE CONTRACT TO PAY THE SCHOOL FEES are two entirely different things.

Have you actually spoken to the bursar yourself?

If not I would call them and explain that:
a) you are not married
b) you have no parental responsibility to the child, and
c) you do not financially support the child in any way

The school have complete discretion here. There are no hard and fast rules. Do not sign up to being responsible for the fees.

The school will have already budgeted for your stepchild’s bursary to remain for the entirety of his/her education. The reason they want you to sign the contract is if the reduced fees are late or go unpaid they have 2 people they can go after.