To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

Have you checked the financial assistance policy? There may be exemptions given the circumstances. Your DP should be the one who discussed this though and looks into state alternatives for next year if the fees are no longer affordable.

it's not clear at all and OP is refusing to answer any questions relating to it actually, she's been asked plenty of times what conversation her and DP have had about it and she won't answer.

It's pretty clear that the two things (assessment and liability) are two different things entirely.

She is the one holding up the re-assessment, submitting figures to add to the household income assessment, is not the same as signing up to pay the fees, she needs to do it so they get confirmation on the bursary and her DP can then make an informed decision going forward.

I'd be annoyed with her too with everything else that is going on as they are all stuck in limbo because of it.

No. I If they did count partners, it would be 25/25/25/25 = 100. OP explicitly stated that they didn’t do 25/25/25/25. This school does not count partners (when there are 4 adults), so it was only 50/50= 100, rather than 50/50/50/50, which doesn’t equal 100.

The root issue is that many men are not paying what they should (in time and money) for the children they have. If people were forced (by the state, rule of law whatever) to pay for the children that they have already then women wouldn't have to lean on the next man.

Ops issue isn't a feminist one in my eyes. You are talking about women with children on benefits. I don't see that situation the same as this one. If you are a woman on benefits you lose them if you live with someone else and there is no alternative and so leaves the woman vulnerable. If this child leaves private school he can go to state school. A system that most people go through, although I understand why they want the child to stay at private school but he cannot afford it.

OP has repeatedly avoided answering whether she has her own children. It may well be that her kids are at state school. Why on earth should she pony up tens of thousands to send someone else’s kid to private school, taking money from her own kids?

That's not the case though. Many men are paying exactly what the Government says they should pay. They're paying exactly what the Government intends. And that amount is reduced if he becomes the live in partner of another single parent because it is assumed he will then financially contribute to their upbringing. Her entitlement to benefits is reduced to reflect this.

The other thing is that most men arent in super well paid jobs even though they outearn the women in their lives. COL means that they can't afford to have a decent set up to properly co-parent due to their new independent outgoings including the CM (as little as it is). So this puts even more obligation on women to do most of parenting.

ETA: this was in a different subthread of conversation.

Yes it does. Gives the father far too much power over the op's income if he refuses to pay she becomes liable for the whole amount.
I am in team 'absolutely not'!

Totally agree with you. Id be sending a polite email back saying
A. You do not have parental responsibility for dc.
B. Dc is supported financially by his father and not by your income.

So should the OP be taking the financial responsibility of another mans child?

I'm sorry but no one, not even an autistic child, is entitled to private education. If I were OP's partner, I would be putting him into a state school with really good SEN provision.

@CloverRiver
I don't think you should pay and I find the way he is ranting very worrying.

However, what's the bigger picture?
It's important.

Who owns the house you live in? Are you buying it jointly or is it his/ yours?

How long have you been together?

• What are your plans for the future?
• Do you want a child together?
• Do you have your own children already?
• Are you able to step up (sorry for the pun) and be a truly 100% committed step parent?
• Do you intend to get married?

In other words are you a tight family unit now OR is this a relatively new man in your life and you're in deeper than you thought at first?

None of that is relevant to the bursary if they are going on household income.

I don't think a single person here is saying she should sign up to pay the fees, not one.

She does however need to disclose her income for the assessment to take place now he lives with them full time, if he loses his school place just because she refuses to disclose her income then I'm not sure how she could sleep at night to be honest.

Well according to how things work generally: yes. She is his live in partner.

Steady on!

If this was reversed would a man be 'made' to pay for a partner's financial commitments?

I know that is how things generally work but I am asking that question off of the back of you saying that women do most of the parenting. Should this woman take on more of the parenting if women generally are already doing too much?

Yes, people have said she should sign up to pay the fees.

And the school are not just asking her to disclose her income, they are saying she needs to be a co-signature to his school fees.

Not just a co signature : jointly and severally liable.
In other words, if her partner doesn't pay his share she d have to pay everything.

There aren't laws that mandate how much parenting each gender has to do. There are laws that mandate that a live in partner counts as household income irrespective of marriage.

That is ridiculous and just more anti-stepmum rhetoric.

I don't think a single person here is saying she should sign up to pay the fees, not one

theres actually many! And telling her also if she doesn’t, she needs to leave her own home!

Where in child maintenance calculations is the partner's income taken into account? It isn't.

And OP is not financially responsible in any way for the child.

If he loses his school place it will be because his parents are not able to pay for it.
Would the father in this case be prepared to accept liability for the private school fees of a child that isn't his?

Yes it would work the same the other way around and more men probably subsidise their partners and stepchildren this way due to how things work. Eg a single mum with a deadbeat ex meets a decent man with a good job who buys them a house in a nice area. As soon as they moved in together, she lost all benefits but he's a good guy and serious about their future. They eventually marry, have more babies and he raises the oldest boy as his own.

Private school financial assessments for bursaries ask for lots of detail. It can be very intrusive.

This will put a big strain on your relationship. Think very carefully before making any commitments.