To not pay stepchild’s private school fees.

[CloverRiver]

My stepchild is 13 and has 3 years left of secondary school. They’ve been in a nice private school for the past 2 years, funded by my DP and his ex-wife. They benefited from a reduction and discount in fees.

My stepchild recently came to live with us full time, this is ordered by the court and social services and it has been traumatic for him. I’ll avoid details because I don’t want to out myself and to protect their privacy.

My issue: My stepchild’s school has now said that, as my stepchild is living with us full time, they want to assess my income and I need to be a co-signature to his school fees. I do not want to be liable for school fees, potentially thousands a year. If I sign this contract I will be made joint and severely liable, if for whatever reason DP didn’t pay or we split up I’d still be liable for it. I also do not want my accounts being analysed in depth, audited etc. DP and I are not married but we do live together and have done for a number of years.

I have told DP that it’s a firm no but he is now really cross and adamant this will potentially mean his child loses his place at school. The school has sent two emails now saying they want my income details and that they expect me to sign the contract. Before people suggest pulling him out and putting him in state, he has moderate autism, so he really does need and benefit from the school.

Doesn't "jointly and severally" mean that any one of them can be held liable for the whole lot?

Ok. It's quite a lot but still likely significantly cheaper than him moving out and running a second household.

In which case your step son has lost his place hasn’t he? If you do what your dp wants and disclose your salary he’ll lose the bursary, and as you won’t pay the difference he’ll have to leave. If you don’t disclose they’ll remove the bursary and he’ll have to leave.

So what does your dp think is going to happen? You don’t appear to have had a conversation about that yet which is somewhat odd…

Exactly that. Not a chance, would I agree to it.

So he works all the hours to fund it or he takes his kid out. Or he finds alternative accommodation to keep the bursary.
Take care of yourself. He’s not worth it.

Whilst I don’t think you should pay, you just need to decide whether you want him to move out or you want to pay. Kid needs to carry on where he’s at by the sounds of it.

You can. The school then just rescinds the bursary, and chases up any debt. I don’t believe there’s any debt here, just the issue of a parent refusing to move forward paying school fees, a change in living arrangements for the child and a requirement to reassess their bursary entitlement.
The school is also saying that if the bursary is to continue they will require a second person/guarantor for the rest of the fees; they want the OP to sign up.

Would grandparents step up, I wonder?
If they won’t, why would OP?

Look, I understand that it seems unfair for OP to contribute. But simply put, I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who refused to help out under these, particularly difficult circumstances, and I think most people would be the same.

OP is not acting as a supportive partner, and therefore the relationship is going to be over, one way or another.

In different circumstances (e.g a secure non traumatised NT child with secure relationships with both parents doing an assessment on whether they could afford to send a child to private school), then it would be different. But in these circumstances, I think OP choosing not to support will be relationship ending. I don't think theres any coming back from this if OP refuses to help out. The relationship is over.

@CloverRiver

Well it's quite clear that your DP can't afford to continue paying for his son to go to private school as one way or the other he is going to lose the bursary.

Does he realise this or is he actually expecting you to pay?

Exactly.
His parents cannot affort private schooling.
The end.
It doesn't become the responsibility of random partners.
The idea is preposterous.
I wouldn't dream of handing over my private confidential finances to any organisation to peruse for a child that is not mine.

His sons education is his responsibility.
Like lots of women with shit hands off ex partners who won't contribute, he is going to have to cut his cloth to his means.

Asking a new partner is beyond cheeky fxxkery.

He needs a better or second job, not expect the nearest woman to pay.

Do you own a home together?
Time to rethink if you do.

Stuff that for a lark, don't do it.

It does. School can demand that any of them pay the entire amount.

Are you OPs DP?

Or he breaks up with OP and they cease living together and he legitimately has the bursary reassessed on his sole income.

Will they back off if you offer to pay the full year and your partner repays you?

I think this entirely depends on the stage of the relationship. If they have been cohabiting for a couple of years and are not yet considering marriage, for example, I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask the OP to “step up” in that way. That would be suggesting she’s good enough to pay school fees but not to marry. If they have been together for a decade and made a decision not to marry but to be life partners, then that’s different as I would consider them married in all but title.

@CloverRiver how long have you been with your DP? How is the relationship generally and where do you see it going? Have you discussed you having PR for your DP’s son? How involved are you in your DP’s life and his parenting? You do not seem horrified by the idea of separating over this which is in itself telling. To be clear, I wouldn’t be delighted about this either.

This is the reality now. Mum had abdicated parental responsibility and Dad cannot afford school fees alone. As you say, you either pay the fees directly or pay them inadvertently by reducing his rent, bills, food, etc. Do you want this financial responsibility for a child whose father you’re not married to, @CloverRiver ? If you’re happy; continue. If not; time for him to move out.

No?

The school simply do not want to give a large bursary any longer. They know the situaton has changed.

So they will not. I have experience of this.

FGS stop saying stepson. He is not.

As @dontmalbeconme said:

I suppose theres a third option of you refuse to help financially and traumatised DSS gets withdrawn from school, but I cant imagine any parent opting for that or wanting to stay with a partner who could have prevented that from happening but chose not to.

Not sure you should make yourself liable for the fees but I think you should help subsidise your DP. It's only for 3 years.

My youngest DS was at private school due to struggling in state school. They do have weird ways of doing the financial stuff. They gave me a bursary as a single parent and discounted my exH's income. ExH totally took advantage of this.

I'm afraid to say that if I was in your DH's situation I'd leave you.

Yes, they can continue their relationship, just not living together.

That way, the child gets continuity with his school, and they get to continue their relationship.

Thank goodness for common sense @BlackStrayCat . I hate this step this and step that when people aren't married. Even more when (I appreciate this doesn't apply to this case) people bring random boyfriends and girlfriends into childrens' lives and give them the step label. The media are terrible for this too.

OP, the boy's parents can't afford school fees, so off he pops to state school. Job done.

A very sticky situation. The mother sounds a 'no go area'. This is down to DP, not you, especially since you are not married. It would be a big 'no' from me and I would even say that I was investing in whatever and did not have the income available. The child will sadly have to pay for the sins of the parents but you are not a parent. The child will get used to another school or your DP will have to stump up the money i.e. do without goodies and hollibobs to see his child through. By my reckoning this will be going on for the next five years if child is 13 he will most likely go onto 18 and then university and accommodation. You really are going to sign up for something, aren't you?! Is DP worth all this grief?"

Sorry but just wow - after just finishing paying school fees for Sen child in local private I know how expensive they can get and the relationship would be over if her partner insists she pays. The fees sound like they could potentially be £2,400 a month if the child loses their bursary.

But you believe op is a terrible person for not taking on the possibilities commitment of £2400 a month for the next 3 years, more so than the child’s own mother?
how long have you been together @CloverRiver ?